Just call me Chandler Bing

How did you find out you were pregnant? Most people pee on a stick and wait for it to show two blue lines, but the second blue line has to be as dark or darker than the first, and the longer you stare at it the more you wonder whether it’s really darker or whether your mind is playing tricks on you. Sound familiar? That’s the way I found out the first time. But not the second.

There I was standing in my closet getting ready for bed when suddenly I looked down. “That’s weird, my boobs are leaking.” Got milk? Yup. All I needed now was some Oreo cookies. Three positive pregnancy tests later, I knew why my body was acting so strange.

That’s the thing about pregnancy. All sorts of weird things happen to your body. You suddenly have the boobs you always wanted even though they double as a vending machine. Suddenly your sense of smell is so bionic, you can actually smell your next door neighbor’s bad breath. And if you’re not bowing down the to porcelain thrown all day, you’re sitting on it for 20+ minutes to squeeze out a miniscule rabbit turd.

So lay it on me, what’s your weirdest pregnancy symptom? ‘Cause guess what, I’ve got you beat. I dare you to beat this one. I double dare you. Here goes.

I was pregnant with Zoey when one day I woke up and noticed a little bump on my voluptuous boob. Not a lump. A bump. Being hyper sensitive, I showed it to my doctor who didn’t seem alarmed, but who sent me to a dermatologist. Maybe it’s a clogged pore, I wondered as I waited on the exam table in my sexy paper gown. Or a keloid, whatever that is. I wasn’t prepared to hear the two words that came out of his mouth.

“Supernumerary nipple.”

“Come again?”

“A supernumerary nipple,” he repeated. Did I hear him correctly? I think my shocked/embarrassed/confused/about to blow chunks look made him explain further. “It’s nothing to worry about. Just an accessory nipple.”

Earrings, purses, headbands— now these are accessories a girl can appreciate. But an accessory nipple? Let’s just say no one walks into Bloomingdales and says, “I’m looking for a nice third nipple.” Well, eventually I learned to appreciate my third nipple… when it went away.

There are lots of things I still have from the first pregnancy. A jiggly belly, a burst blood vessel, droopy boobies. But I’m happy to say the only thing left of my triple nipple is a fading memory. And if my accessory nipple comes back this pregnancy, maybe I’ll embrace it by going out to buy some accessory pasties. Too bad they usually come in two packs.

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10 Responses to Just call me Chandler Bing

  1. This literally made me laugh out loud. My worst and most in your face symptom is my K9 sense of smell. I cannot wait till its gone…3 more months

  2. Thanks Mel! Hope you’ll continue to read my blog and share it. And good luck with the rest of your pregnancy. Especially all of the bad breath people you encounter in the next three months.

  3. I thought I had diabetes. I kept feeling like my bloodsugar was low and I needed to eat. I had taken so many pregnancy tests over the 10 months before it never occured to me to take another! Went to the dr and she said well, you don’t have diabetes, you have a baby! My husband and I were super excited and now have a sweet 9 month old boy!

  4. Congrats HH! On both not having diabetes and the baby boy! Hope you’re loving being a mom.

  5. I know this post is months old–but I discovered during pregnancy that I, too, have this season’s hottest new accessory. I had hoped it would go back “down” after having the baby, but it hasn’t! I’ve heard that when you are breastfeeding, your hormones are still awash…Did you breastfeed at all? Did the thripple go down before or after you stopped?

  6. Ha ha ha, love that you call it a thripple! I did breastfeed for 10 months, but truth be told, I can’t remember when it went away. All I know is that it did. It’s so true that your hormones are still out of whack while you’re nursing, so I’ll bet it goes away afterwards. I also had this burst blood vessel thing on my face that came during pregnancy and went away after nursing, so that does happen with some skin stuff for sure. Oh, and the thripple is back this time too. Maybe I should throw it a welcome back party.

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  9. I love this BROAD! And thank god both my pregnancies are a distant memory…I don’t need an accessory nipple. Ever. Ever.

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