Help, my baby has sideburns!

Every pregnant mom says the same thing—all I care about is that my baby is healthy. Well, I’m calling bullshit on this. There are lots of other things I stress about. Like what am I worried about this pregnancy? That he or she is going to be insanely hairy. You see, my firstborn is this svelte blond girl, taking after her father 100%. Well, 99%— I guess she did get my genitalia. Isn’t that the way they say it happens— the first one looks just like daddy and the second one is more like mommy? So not only will he or she be the sadly-neglected second child, “it” will most likely look like Cousin It.

I was born with hair on my shoulders. I vaguely remember the labor nurse yelling, “Quick, get me some hot wax, stat!” I mean, if I don’t pluck my eyebrows every other day, I start looking like Burt from Sesame Street. I’m just waiting for the day that Zoey gets older and asks if she can braid my leg hair.

I guess hairiness is just something that runs on my side of the family. When Zoey was born, my grandparents came to visit. All I could think about was how lucky she was to have two living great grandparents. There they were sitting on the couch, a beautiful scene of distant generations coming together. And then out of nowhere my grandmother uttered some of the scariest words I’ve ever heard. “Leon, unbutton your shirt so Zoey can play with your chest hair. Babies love Leon’s chest hair,” she explained. As our dear innocent child wound her beautiful little fingers through the overgrown forest on his chest, my husband looked like he might vomit. Oh, and Stephen King sat in the corner letting the moment inspire his next bestseller.

But I digress. In light of my well-founded fears, I’ve jotted down a few question for the tech at our 20-week ultrasound tomorrow.

1. Is it a boy or a girl?
2. How ‘bout them organs?
3. Does the baby have a mustache?

So to all you parents with cue ball babies who have to use scotch tape to adhere bows to your babies’ heads, be thankful. That was me the last round. This round, I’m afraid I’m going to be calling our health insurance to beg them to cover laser hair removal.

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2 Responses to Help, my baby has sideburns!

  1. If your baby already has sideburns that’s awesome don’t be concerned: Don’t be concerned about little, bitty baby with the big, big sideburns. Your baby’s gonna be a pimp, your baby’s gonna be a little baby pimp.

  2. like the other me said do not be concerned about the sideburns but teach him that a pimp is an illegal profession

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