Little Miss Un-America

Lemme just start by saying I left Texas for a reason. Well, for a few. Big hair, gun racks, people who let their babies ride in the back of pickup trucks, drive thru liquor stores, ginormous belt buckles, the fact that Texans brag that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk (this is not a selling point to me), etc. etc. etc.

Well, lately my daughter has been living proof that you can take me out of Texas, but apparently you can’t take Texas out of my genes. For starters, she’s been taking one-syllable words and making them two syllables. For example, she says the word “yeah” all the time, but she pronounces it “Yay-ah.” Shoot me now. Damn, where’s one of those no-background-check flea markets when you need a gun? Side note, I used to live by a store in Texas that was called Just Guns. Below the sign they had another sign that read, “Don’t be fooled, we sell ammo too.” I shit you not.

But that’s not the worst of it. The other day we were walking through the mall and my worst nightmare happened. By the way, I know we go to the mall entirely too much. It’s not to shop. It’s to hang out. Wait, that’s worse. Anyway, Zoey discovered a place called Glamour Boulevard. It’s basically a store that gives young girls makeovers to make them look like movie stars and pageant girls. Aggggh!

In the front of the store on a giant TV was a continuous video of girls in pageants. Zoey was hooked. She immediately started dancing like the girls on the screen. All she needed was a glittery off-the-shoulder dress and a couple bottles of Aquanet, and she could be starring on the next season of Toddlers in Tiaras.

It made me think. You know how parents always say, “You can be whatever you want to be.” That’s not what they mean. What they really mean is you can be the president, or an architect or an engineer. They don’t mean you can be a pole dancer, a Hooters waitress or heaven forbid, a pageant girl. Call me un-American, but over my dead body will Zoey ever be Miss America. Now if my son ever wants to be Miss America, well then I might say go for it, just to piss off all the right-wingers and Donald Trump. Nothing would make me more proud.

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