My scale just said “ouch” when I stepped on it

Just yesterday I was walking through Walgreens when I passed the candy aisle and thought about how much I miss it. For nine straight months of pregnancy I visited that aisle without inhibition, something I may never get to do again. Jujyfruits, malt balls, licorice, I ate it all. I didn’t feel an ounce of guilt but those ounces showed up somewhere else. Or rather somewhere elses. My hips, my thighs and my tush, to name a few.

And now I’m paying the price. You see yesterday I did something really smart. I rearranged my closet. And then this morning I did something really stupid. I grabbed some jeans from the wrong shelf. Nothing like a pair of skinny jeans to make you feel like a heifer. The only thing worse is a breast pump. Unknowingly I started to put my leg in those skinny jeans. I fit in those?! Talk about a round peg in a square hole. It was like trying to force a hotdog into a piece of macaroni.

Of course, right after that I decided to doubly torture myself by weighing in for the Biggest Loser contest I’m having with my friends. I had no choice but to do it right then because I had just breastfed and pooped which meant it would be my skinniest time of the day. I’m hoping my larger breasts weigh at least five pounds. Is that possible?

And then my friend came over this morning for a play date (ours as much as the kiddos) and she had the nerve to tell me I look like I’m losing the baby weight quickly. Now I have no problem with a good friend telling me this except that I don’t need positive reinforcement right now. What I need is someone to tell me how bad I still look. After all, I still have 12+ pounds to lose, which is like 10% of my bodyweight (screw you for doing the math right now). And 10% is nothing to scoff at. Especially since in a few weeks I have to cram my hotdog legs into a bathing suit. The question is, will my hotdog legs make the other beachgoers hungry or lose their appetite.

So now after my baby’s birth I literally blindfold myself when I get undressed for fear I’ll catch a glimpse of my naked self in the mirror and have a heart attack and have to call 911 and believe me, I know they see naked people all the time, but they don’t want to see this. You know, pre baby I thought the afterbirth was gross. Little did I know after the birth would be much more unpleasant.

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