Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s tush

Here’s the thing, some of us have little tushes. And some of us are graced with more generous badonkadonks. Thanks DNA. Why is it that for men, bigger is better, and for women it’s the bane of our existence? I often wish someone would tell me a joke that’s so good I would laugh my ass off… literally.

The truth is I wouldn’t care so much if it weren’t for the problem I have with underwear, or as they say on Jersey Shore, underwears. Not that I watch that show. Fine, I watch it, but in my defense I was much younger when I got hooked on it. Whatta you mean it just came out in 2010? Seriously? But I digress. Like I was saying, a round derriere wouldn’t be so bad if the underwear didn’t always creep up into it. It’s like the roundness just guides my underpants into the center.

Just the other day I was riding in an elevator having a very rare moment to myself (if I had more than tic tacs in my purse I would have pulled the emergency stop button to hang out solo for a few days). For the first time in years I was completely alone and it was the perfect opportunity to do something I hadn’t done in forever— pick my wedgie. So I didn’t just do it. I went for it. Dig, yank, grab, pull, stretch, adjust, readjust, ohhh yeahhhh. Boy did I seize the moment. Just as the heavens were opening up and the angels were singing, I glanced up and noticed something I hadn’t noticed before. A security camera. Whoopsies. So instead of getting off in the lobby, I rode back up to the top floor and jumped off the roof. I’ll be writing the rest of this blog from my hospital bed because apparently I can’t even manage to die from embarrassment correctly.

Thankfully I failed because the other day, everything changed. I discovered something that would alter my life forever. Naturally it was from the best store on earth— Target. Or as I like to call it, God’s gift to women. Sorry, George Clooney, you’ve been replaced. It’s literally impossible to buy one thing at Target, so I was looking for something else to purchase. Hello, underwear section. Little did I know, I was about to discover the Holy Grail. There they were. Two pair for $12.99, hanging from a dinky disposable hanger. Wonderful Edge underwear by Gilligan & O’Malley.

It seemed too good to be true. Did I find the answer to all of my problems? They looked like normal panties, but along the edge there was a sort of rubbery silicone trim that makes them stick in place. I looked around. Was anyone else seeing this? I felt like I was witnessing a miracle. I headed to the fitting room.

ATTENDANT: You can’t try on underwears.

ME: Oh, do you watch Jersey Shore too?!

ATTENDANT: Nobody watches that anymore.

ME: Oh yeah, me neither.

ATTENDANT: You have to try them on at home and then return them if they don’t fit.

Uhhh, does this seem a little skeevy to anyone else? So basically people are bringing home the underwear, trying them on, and then bringing them back for other people to wear. Blagggh. Ordinarily I’d hear this and get my Hazmat suit, but remember, we’re talking about miracle underwear. I was conflicted but I bought them anyway and tried them on at home. Score! I swear my crack cracked a smile.

The miracle of all miracles happened. My wedgie has been permanently unwedged. Of course if you’re headed to Target to buy some of these miracle panties, good luck. I just bought all of them. Except for the extra smalls. And if you’re buying those I have one word for you. Bitch.

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5 Responses to Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s tush

  1. Pingback: Happy Last Minute Shopping Day! So many stores, so little time | Baby Sideburns

  2. Wtf did I just read… This is the most idiotic blog in existence

  3. I just started reading your blog (mostly at work, which sucks because I’m not supposed to be on the internet at work, but surf anyway, and because I’m at work, I have to attempt to hide my laughter, which makes me snort, or maybe snart?) And it’s not just the random post, either. It’s every single entry I’ve read thus far. I don’t just chuckle. I am literally covering my face and mouth preventing myself from getting reamed out by my boss. P.S. And I just read the comment before mine.. WOW! I’m going out on a limb here, but I think undewears aren’t Anna’s problem.

  4. Awesome Laurie. Thank you! Hope you don’t get into trouble :)

  5. I have felt the same way!! I have discovered these items ( and no, I’m not some hokey salesie blog crasher) Ok, so 2 brands to check out: 1) Soma – They also have a great underwear made of this no-show, microfiber magic ….oh shoot I’ll have to google the exact item from that brand and out a link)but they also have the silicone bands. And also this stretching wide band lace on the sides that lay flat and don’t create an extra skin fold. ( And while we are on the topic of silicone ,it got me thinking “why doesn’t everything have a silicone band to stay in place ?!?! I certainly would like my swimsuit bottoms to stay in place just like these underwear do. I’ve even considered just buying a black bathing suit top and just wearing the black Soma underwear. But the lace sides would give it away. Anyway, so I’m always pulling at them at the pool as it’s so hard to hide a wedgie there. And when can you even fix it when you’ve got outstretched arms holding your soaking wet toddler, the floaties , the goggle, the headless pool mermaid orphan Barbie, all while trying to get the the bathroom which is right past the line of people lounging around childless and wedgiless. So you know what. I went to Lowe’s, bought a tube of squeezable 100% silicone and lined the inside bathing suit bottom band with it using a ridged plastic knife to make the small lines in a wave pattern. And guess what….it worked! Now, I’m sure it’s not FDA approved for skin. But whatevs, I’d rather not have to pick another wedgie in public, or even in private for that matter. I haven’t had anything bad happen…. So far)
    And 2)ok, at Target look for a bra called the “Barely There” bra. It’s like an updated coobie bra but you don’t have to worry about trying to stuff those annoying removable nipple pads back into the 1mm hole that it miraculously gave birth to in the washing machine. It’s the bra that I wear when I can’t wait to take off my other, more binding bras. Perfect for when I don’t want one more thing poking at me-hooks,snaps, straps, or children, yet, I’m not going to the gym and I don’t need some compression bra for “high impact” activities but don’t want to look slouchy in case I need to run to the grocery last min and happen to run into my husband’s boss’s wife or the cute guy that thinks you’re single because you forgot you wedding ring and you left your screaming child in the cart one aisle down.

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