My bra cups runneth over

So the other day my kids were getting into their wagon when my ten-month-old spit up a little on his shirt. My neat-freak husband wiped it off with his finger and looked at me with this giant grin. “Can you believe how far I’ve come?” he said proudly holding up his wet finger. It took every ounce of willpower not to go get a gun and shoot him. I stood there watching my beaming husband thinking to myself, “Do you know what I touch on a daily basis?”

Let’s just take this past week for example. That’s right, all this in seven short days.

1. My son threw up on me the other day. No biggie. I mean, there have been times he’s even thrown up in my mouth a little. Let me tell you, regurgitated formula is not as good as it sounds. This particular time he threw up on my neck. I wiped myself down and proceeded to go about my day. I mean, it’s not like I could lock my kids in a closet and quickly go take a shower (Just a little something I learned from DSS). It wasn’t until four hours later that I was putting on my fat pants and fat shirt (yes, I have both) when I discovered my mistake. I took off my bra and two mortifying things happened. My boobs dropped down to my bellybutton, as they do every night, and my bra cups runneth over with throw-up. Yup, four hours later. Welcome to vomitville. Or as I like to call it, motherhood.

2. Yesterday morning I walked into the kitchen to make my son a bottle and I stepped in something cold and wet. Hmm, milk? No, it was mushy. Cereal? No, we hadn’t had breakfast yet. I looked down. Oh, isn’t that wonderful? The cat had thrown up in front of the AC vent and I just stepped in it. With bare feet. Does anyone know of a good taxidermist?

3. My daughter is potty-trained but still wears a diaper for naps. So what does she do? She waits until she’s wearing the diaper to take a dump. On purpose. Every day. I was changing her diaper when she exclaimed, “My ear!” Oh no. Oh yes. Oh no! I guess when I was vigorously wiping her, a poop particle flicked off the wipe and into her ear. Oh shit. Literally. It was way in there and I had no choice but to wipe it out with my pinky finger. Insert gagging sounds here. For the rest of the day, no matter how much soap I used, my hands still smelled like poop.

So there you have it. Just a few of the gross things I touched this week. And that doesn’t include the human hairball I fished out of my son’s mouth or the poop particle that I could not get off his peeper no matter how much I tried. But I guess that’s what being a mother is all about. Or the guy who cleans the porta-potties.

Just curious, what’s your grossest motherhood story?

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14 Responses to My bra cups runneth over

  1. There are so many to choose from! I was just at a girls weekend though, and my friend with 4 boys (yes, you heard me right) just told me how her youngest had recently started to poop outside her back door when he couldn’t hold it until the bathroom. The dog at least, had the decency to head out to tithe yard. One day, in the not so distant past, as she was walking outside one of the other boys distracted her, and yep! …she stepped in it. More like slid along the patio in it.
    I don’t know why, but walking in dog poop seems not as gross as human poop. You see where my gross baseline is.

  2. Ha ha ha, too funny Nicole! Today I found a little piece of poop in our playroom after a playdate. Unfortunately I didn’t realize that’s what it was until I picked it up. Blagggh. Human poop is the worst!

  3. Hahahaha. I announced to my husband the other day, without invitation, that our son had thrown up in my hair. I think it might have been in response to him mentioning that he would take out the trash (hero). Yep. He threw up in my hair and, in a desperate attempt to avoid a shirt change, I took a damp paper towel and just “cleaned up”. I’m pretty gross.

  4. Too funny, Bridget! I have days I call MSDs. Must Shower Days. Because these days I don’t have time to shower every day. How sad is that?!

  5. My son had a major oral fixation with Polly Pockets; after covertly eating one whole vignette I found a shoe half in half out. this kids “back door” was so tight I had the grip it with thumb and forefinger to pull it out!

  6. I’d throw up, Anonymous, but I’m laughing too hard.

  7. I would say having my son puke directly inside my mouth and then it ran down my chest oh so slowly. Warm and wet, just the way I like it.

  8. My daughter, bless her heart, has nasty breath. No one knows why, and she brushes her teeth 3 times a day and eats mints, and still that 5 year old’s mouth smells like a stray cat. Needless to say, her puke doesnt smell like roses either. I have actually had to have a carpet cleaned, air freshened and sprayed to get the smell out. So while on vacation over Thanksgiving, she decided she would eat everything in sight. Problem is, when she does, she winds up vomiting everywhere, all night long. And so goes our second night on vacation. My husband is driving his father back to Canada, and I am at my aunt’s house in Ohio with one homesick child and one who just cant sleep. So cue 1am:

    “Mommy, my tummy hurts. I dont feel so…. blugh!”

    Projectile vomit all over the place. She even managed to make it curve around the corner of the bed! She has talents, what can I say. The only problem this time: I am alone with them, and I am 5 months pregnant with hyperemesis and the nose of a freakin bloodhound. So while trying to clean up her surprisingly sticky and pudding-consistency vomit (and trying to figure out when in the hell she ate blue marshmallows), I start puking. It was a seemingly endless cycle; wipe, grab bag, puke, wipe, grab bag, puke. I sprayed so much fabreeze on the carpet I dont think I will ever be able to smell the stuff again without gagging, and I could still smell it! I had to spend the rest of the night on the couch.

  9. my 3 yr old then 2…. we were sleeping (she sleeps with us) when i stretched and felt my hair wet. at first i thought she peed when i got an horrible smell so i jump up to find she had diarreah and it came out of her diaper all over her the bed and my hair…. i took 5 showers that day and could still smell it the next day!

  10. After my daughter was born, my son, who was almost two, got a case of jealousy that was displayed in the nastiest way imaginable- an obsession with poop. The first few times I told myself it was normal for toddlers to reach in their diaper and pull out a handful of the squishy stuff, but after 10, 20, 30 times of scrubbing rubbed in shit off the carpet, crib, TV and tossing every dump truck he owned because he took the “dump” part too literally when filling the load (hehe), I had had more than enough! I’m talking full on scrubbing the floor alternating between sobbing and asking him “why do you hate me?” and screaming at him like a banshee. He must have been thinking “this bitch is crazy”. Every where I went I smelled it. It was like I had perma-shit stuck on my nose hairs. Then came the one-two punch: he got into the catbox after climbing the gate so he could load his car carrier with cat turds and, later that same day, painted his baby sister’s face with…oh yeah, shit with corn. I was so furious after scrubbing her face for what seemed like ever and still smelling it, (I even contemplated using the nail brush for a minute), that when it was his turn to get cleaned off I decided to take him out back and literally hose him off. Not just the plain hose end with water gently rolling out either, but the hose gun. I pulled the trigger on that bitch and blasted the shit off of him! Now I don’t know if it was the freezing water or high pressured spray on his little cotton balls but he did not enjoy it. Fortunately for me, (and probably him too as he is still alive and I’m not in prison), the hose put an abrupt end to his shit fetish. I would just tell him whenever I put him down for a map, “now remember buddy, if you play with your poopies you’ll have to go to the hose” and surprise, surprise he potty trained!

  11. when my now 13 yr old was just about 2 months old, she had just eaten and been burped, i thought it was a good idea to put her up over my head face looking up at her, mouth wide open, and there it was, she threw up in my mouth, straight down my throat…i put her down and proceeded to go throw up the throw up

  12. Someone pooped in the playplace at McDonalds….all the parents come rushing in to see who the crapper was.
    “please don’t let it be mine, please don’t let it be mine…”
    It was mine.
    Another kind young girl had sat in it at the top of the slide and smeared the entire yellow tube with what had to have been the worlds stinkiest poo ever.
    There I go, spider climbing my way down wiping up poop streaks, wanting to die with every spent McNapkin.
    I hate the McDonalds playplace.

  13. What the fuck possessed me to press the “read comments” button after that article!! I swear I smell poop after reading these and I don’t have kids!!

  14. My now 7 year old didn’t sleep much (translate never more than two hours at a time) until she was 3 years old. I took the night shift for the first three months of her life and I worked full time. Needless to say, a lot of that time I spent in a foggy state. My husband was stay-at-home dad of the year at this time:) Yay for him! I was so thankful for the chocolate chip Eggo waffle with peanut butter and Hershey’s chocolate syrup breakfast sandwich he made me one morning, and as I ate it on the way to work, I licked what I thought was peanut butter off my finger. MMMM Yummy! Bonus peanut butter! , I realized quickly that I failed to wash my hands after changing my daughter’s poopy diaper . It wasn’t peanut butter. Breakfast MAJOR FAIL.

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