Shewee Female Urination Device–This thing has WTF written alllllll over it

Shewee

Okay, so in the past month I think I’ve gotten no fewer than 6,000,000 requests to write something on this weird product called the Shewee. Now if you don’t know what the Shewee is, good. I think that makes you normal. You can click on this link and check it out. It’s basically this plastic tube thingie you can put up to your hoo-ha to make it easier to pee in public places just like the way a guy pees. Yes siree Bob, call it what you will, a Shewee, a cock for your cockpit, a burrito for your taco, whatever you want, alls I know is whenever I think of a plastic peeper for my cooter, I’m thinking about something with batteries and this ain’t it. Let’s just say if a plastic peeper is getting near my hoo-ha, it’s not gonna be pointed away from it.

But hey, this totally would have come in handy when I was 21 and peeing in alleys (uhhh, not that I ever did that). Like every time I’d squat down to pee, hypothetically speaking of course, the pee seemed to be going in a straight shot until suddenly it would veer to the side and get attached to my leg and basically pour in a steady stream right into my pants, so then it just looked like I peed in my pants. Which I didn’t. I peed ON my pants. But still, even with said urine stream running down my leg, I can’t say I would have ever carried the Shewee around in my purse.

Like for starters who the hell would want something that was covered in urine in your purse? I know what some of you are thinking. That at least urine is sterile. Well, I’ve got news for you. Urine is not sterile. Urine is urine.

And what if someone saw it in there?

FRIEND: Heyyy, is that a test tube in your purse? I didn’t know you were into science.

ME: Uhh, no, that’s my fake peeper. What, you don’t have one?

Annnnd cue the Facebook unfriend button.

And do you know what they call this kind of device (because yes, there are like tons of brands that makes these thingies)? They call it a FUD. And for those of you who are idiots like myself and do not know what that stands for, it stands for Female Urination Device. Ewwwwwww. Here are some words that rhyme with FUD. Mud, dud, cud, thud, crud. See? Pretty much anything that ends with “ud” is a bad thing.

So no, I will never wear a FUD. And if I did I’d be laughing so hard the pee would just fly everywhere and I’d end up splatter-painting the whole bathroom with an abstract urine painting. Which would be worth a lot one day when I’m famous, but currently is worth shit. Now that’s irony when a urine painting is worth shit.

Plus, if I used a FUD the woman in the stall next to me would be like WTF when hears me peeing but sees my feet pointing toward the potty (ugggh, I hate when I use little kid words when I’m speaking to adults). So I can either A. Wait until I’m sure she’s left the bathroom so she doesn’t find out I was the one next to her who was facing the toilet while I peed. Or B. I’d have to start talking really loud about my FUD so she doesn’t think I’m a transvestite using the ladies room.

ME: (LOUDLY SO EVERYONE IN THE BATHROOM CAN HEAR) This is totally awesome using this female urination device on my vajayjay so I can pee standing up facing the toilet even though I’m a woman with a vajayjay!!!

And WTF do I do if my kids are in the restroom with me (which they ALWAYS are) where they constantly watch me do everything? EVERYTHING. If they thought tampons were weird, they’re going to shit a brick when they see Mommy whip out her fake schlong to take a leak. No thank you. I’d rather heli-pee over the gross public toilet and then explain to them why I’m hovering over the toilet while I pee. Plus, heli-peeing is basically the only workout I get these days anyway.

Then again, if we were traveling far or something, it’s nice to know I’d always have a funnel in case I needed to add more oil to my car. Or to funnel a beer if the kiddos were driving me bonkers. Nahhh, still not worth it.

Anyways, last but not least, here’s some more shit that cracks me up about the Shewee. Guess what the  tagline is. “Be who you are.” SAY WHAT??!!! Be who you are? Because the way I see it, you’re a woman trying to be a man when you pop on the Shewee. If you were being who you are, you would be peeing sitting down using the wonderful genitalia you were born with. A vajayjay. A nice, tidy, tucked away, never veiny or erect at the wrong time, hard to pee with in public places but still lovely nonetheless vajayjay. Say that five times quickly.

And that’s all I have to say about the Shewee. But I have lots more shit I want to say about lots more shit, so please subscribe here so you don’t miss any great shit. Thanks!

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10 Responses to Shewee Female Urination Device–This thing has WTF written alllllll over it

  1. check out this amazing shewee banned commercial! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kulLZEBZUOM
    P.S. I love my shewee, but I live in Wyoming, and pee outside, alot…..

  2. I’m sure this is useful, but to be honest with you. I want it just so I can write my name in the snow and then shake it when I’m done.

  3. I totally pronounced this as shew-ee in my head. Like “Shew-ee Lisa…that was one helluva stinky fart!” Besides, you’d still have to drip dry if you didn’t have any tissues, so what’s the point!

    • The point is I personally don’t have to squat in the dark while camping in the desert when snakes, tarantulas, and scorpions are most active. I’ll take a quick wipe over getting poisoned a 5 mile hike (and 1500 ft uphill in one mile) from my car any day.

      They actually work well if you just use a panty liner and change it a couple times a day. When you are camping and dirty a little pee drop never scares you.

  4. Ill admit, I have a similar one(an ezp) and I love it. But I spend a lot of time outdoors in forested areas, and its really just SO much easier than squatting.

  5. I’ve had some similar to this one for about a year, best thing when camping or hiking or some place with a bathroom Lol :-)

  6. Heli-pee? Hope you lift the seat. Makes a real mess…

  7. What really strikes me about this is that more than one company makes these things. Also, in this day and age if you kept one in your purse you’d definitely get held up by Homeland Security.

    But I really love the picture.

  8. I don’t understand this blog piece. First, I highly doubt that many people even read this blog, much less request that you write specific pieces…especially since you state that if you don’t know what a peewee is….then you are “normal”. I know what one is. I have also use them many times…doing things you, as an average American enjoying your freedoms; would not ever need to do. Aside from it’s tactical uses in combat…it clearly states w*f it’s for…when using a western style regular toilet is not accessible. This isn’t an item your average woman in suburbia would even carry around in here purse since, there’s a Starbucks ever 5 feet for you to get your lattes, or whatever it is you do.

    Maybe this blog would be funny if you didn’t try so hard…and or wrote from a basic mean girl’s perspective…OMG! #firstworldproblems. or if you didn’t sound like you were full of crap from the start…saying a gazillion people want you to write about something you admit NO ONE HAS HEARD OF.

    I wanted to like this blog but either you are trying to hard and acting dumb to get attention or..you really are desperate and cattty. I’ll stick with snarky mom humor that is actually funny and not a bad impersonation of Mean Girls doing the Vaginalouges.

  9. As women and parents alike become increasingly concerned about the germs and parasites that lurk in public bathrooms and also the reality of not always having a bathroom available when nature calls – whether on a road trip, deployed in the military, camping, hiking, on a fishing boat, or at the beach – the funnel device (essentially a modified oil funnel) has gained attention.

    While the new application for the “funnel” is certainly interesting, it is not without its drawbacks. The seal is often difficult to obtain and maintain resulting in leakage, a heavy stream may cause a back-up and additional leakage, the device is contaminated with each use and therefore must be disposed-of (cost of pee’ing could approach $1.00 or more per episode) or cleaned and dried (often in public view and in a germ-ridden sink) assuming of course that a sink and soap is available. There must also be a receiving receptacle such as a toilet, or a very secluded location such as in the woods (won’t work in the car or SUV or on a boat unless you are not concerned about the image of pee’ing over the side of the boat), and it can be quite difficult for a young girl to maintain the seal and also manage / direct the stream into a toilet. It is also very difficult and uncomfortable for a parent to try to hold the funnel in place during the process. It is also a very awkward site that is susceptible to ridicule and embarrassment.

    GottaTinkle! is a perfect alternative and solution for women of all ages and sizes, and parents of little girls) –

    1. GottaTinkle! is compact (easily fits in a back pocket, fanny pack, or, as I typically carry it, clipped to a belt loop).

    2. GottaTinkle! never comes into contact with genitalia or urine (so it does not require cleaning between or after uses).

    3. GottaTinkle! is low cost for the consumer as it workswith standard or the larger zip lock style baggies that can be purchased at Publix, Big Lots, etc. (no need to pay a $1.00 or more per use as in the case of the disposal funnel devices).

    4. GottaTinkle! may be used anywhere and by girls and women of any age, size, etc.

    5. Unlike the funnels on the market the device is not “gross” or “awkward” to use (especially for girls), does not require a urinal or bush (as the baggie collects the urine), and does not require cleaning in a dirty sink and then drying before putting it away for the next use. Also, the device may be used repeatedly and by multiple people (as the baggie is the only thing that comes into contact with the body and urine).

    6. GottaTinkle! is great for women (for their own personal use) and also parents of young girls. Our oldest – who are 8 and 11 – hold it themselves – we have to hold it for our youngest who is 7.

    7. We have been using our product since inception – (a) in public bathrooms at stores, restaurants, etc., (b) on trips to Orlando and other places (in fact recently our daughter used it two times on a late night trip from Orlando to Hollywood while our other two daughters were sleeping – she simply got on her knees in the back of the SUV – pee’d, zipped the baggie, removed it, and my wife placed it in the door until we returned home), (c) on our 22′ CC Pro Line boat (very small storage area without a toilet) simply pee and pour overboard, and repeat, (d) while camping and hiking, etc., and (e) when our daughter needed to give a urine specimen to the lab we simply had her pee into the baggie and then poured the urine into the lab container on the way home.

    Reviews – http://www.gottatinkle.com/blog—female-urination-device

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