Seriously kiddo, THAT’s what you want for your birthday? (you could win an AWESOME prize in this post!!)

ME: Holden, what do you want for your birthday?

HOLDEN: A dragon.

ME: No way, buddy, he’ll breathe fire all over us!

HOLDEN: Nooo, a NICE dragon.

ME: No such thing. Pick something else.

HOLDEN: A bunk bed.

Eeeks, really? But he’s looking up with me with those adorable puppy dog eyes and damn it, why does he have to be so stinkin’ cute?! Okay, fine, a bunk bed it is. A huge, hard-to-make, hard-to-put-together, expensive thing he’s gonna roll out of and break his arm or his leg or his neck. Awesome.

After searching for hours and hours online (not really because I’m watching Bachelor in Paradise and only looking down at my computer every ten minutes), I find a couple of good ones.

ME: Honey, which one do you think will look better in Holden’s room? The white or the brown?

HUBBY: I like the white one.

ME: Okay, let’s get the brown one.

HUBBY: Why do you even ask me?

ME: Because I need to hear your opinion to figure out which one I like better.

HUBBY: And then you just pick the opposite one??

ME: No. It’s like as soon as you say it, I know which one I liked all along.

My hubby walks out of the room with an eye roll. And a series of audible toots. Anyways, the one I like comes from Target. Wait, no that’s a lie. The one I like comes from Pottery Barn Kids and they set it up for you when they deliver it, but it costs like $9,000,000 (slight exaggeration. SLIGHT), so I decide to go with the one from Target. The one you have to assemble yourself. I go to put it on my Target Red Card.

Ennnnnh, rejected. OMG, what’s wrong with my Target card?! This can’t be happening. Must keep breathing. I try to make the payment again. NOOOO, what’s wrong?!!!

And then I figure it out. Apparently the order is $703 but my credit card limit is $700. I shit you not. THREE dollars over. But I need to put it on my card to get the 5% off and the free shipping, so I call customer service. Okay, let me just say that I have no problem with people who barely speak English. I barely speak a lot of languages. But speaking with a person who barely speaks English when your card isn’t working and your rugrat keeps screaming in your ear but you can’t say, “SHUT UPPP, I’M TRYING TO SURPRISE YOU WITH A BIRTHDAY PRESENT!!” is torturrrrre. I’m literally on the phone with them for HOURS and at one point I lose it.

ME: AGGGHHHHH, I WILL WALK TO MINNEAPOLIS (real Target junkies know where the headquarters is) AND HAND YOU THREE DOLLARS!!!! JUST TAKE MY MONEEEEYYYYY!!!

Eventually I give up and call my mom to order the bunk bed on her card which she does in like point three seconds without any problem, and a week later guess what arrives.

BunkBedBoxes

A crapload of boxes we avoid like the plague.

(two weeks later)

BunkBedBoxes

Yup, we’ve put together enough things in our lifetime to know that if a GIANT bunk bed is inside these teeny-weeny super flat boxes, putting it together is going SUCCCCK.

ME: His birthday is tomorrow. We can’t avoid this anymore.

HUBBY: Fine. What do we need?

ME: A screwdriver, an Allen wrench, and alcohol. Lots of it.

And so it begins. Just so you can see how much fun it is putting this bed together, here are some of the highlights.

BunkBedAlone

This is my hubby working on it while I stand back and tell him what he’s doing wrong. Spoiler alert. This blog ends in divorce.

BunkBedMistake

About two seconds after I say “this is going so quickly” we discover the guardrail is like a half centimeter off and we have to literally unscrew and rescrew forty screws.

BunkBedShhh

And by WE I actually mean HIM. Unfortunately, I had to go take a poop at this exact moment. Nooo, of course I’m not faking it.

BunkBedTrapped

So basically you’re putting together a full bed AND a twin bed in a room that can only fit ONE bed so you are trapped in the room and can’t get out no matter how much you have to pee. This is bad, people.

BunkBedAngry

REALLY bad. As in we might murder each other before this is done.

BunkBedFinished

Holy crap, the bed is actually up. I am genuinely surprised. (Coincidentally this is the same face I’m going to make for my hubby later tonight because he put most of the bed together without me and earned himself a little sumpin sumpin).

Wheeee! Time to bring Holden in and show him his awesome birthday present. But wait, before you see his reaction, check this out. My friends at my favorite bedding company SlumberCloud gave us the most awesome mattress protectors for the new bed. Thank you, SlumberCloud!!!

BunkBedMattressPad

And I know what you’re thinking. Ugghh, now I have to listen to advertising crap?! I promise I’ll be quick. This is how I can afford important stuff, like this bunk bed. And food. And coffee. PLUS, you don’t want to miss Holden’s reaction to his new bunk bed so keep reading. Anyways, you’re probably thinking, big whoop, mattress protectors are boring and you can buy them anywhere. Ennnhhh, you are wrong. You cannot buy THESE amazing mattress covers everywhere.

1. They are very VERY waterproof but don’t feel like a diaper. And if you are sleeping on the bottom bunk and your little brother is sleeping on the top, you can imagine why waterproof is SOOOOOOO important.

And 2. They are made with OUTLAST technology. And if you’re like WTF is Outlast, so was I until I got one a year ago. NASA created this technology and it absorbs your excess heat so you don’t get too hot at night. And then when you get cold, it gives you back that heat. So you stay comfy and don’t wake up. AHHHMAZING!!! Keep reading to see how you can win a bunch of awesome stuff from SlumberCloud!!!

Okay, so I promised I’d show you Holden’s reaction. So after making him stay out of  his room allllllllll morning (literally 3 hours and 12 minutes of me tackling him to the ground every time he tried to come into his room), we finally let him in. He takes one look at the bed and falls to the floor pretending to faint with excitement. FYI, he did this with pretty much every present this birthday. Hilarious.

BunkBedHoldenArms

He LOVES it!! He LOVVVVVES it!!!!!

BunkBedCeiling

Even though Mommy and Daddy got lazy and it doesn’t have a guardrail or a ladder yet.

BunkBedTogether

These mattress pads are SO good, your kids will literally be able to sleep like this, holding each other peacefully all night long (BLATANT LIE).

HOLDEN: This is exactly what I wanted!!!

Me: No shit, Sherlock. You asked for it. Remember?

And here’s where you can win something. Yayyy, free stuff! SlumberCloud is gonna give one of you a FREE mattress pad, pillow covers and a duvet!!! Eeeeeeeks, it could be you!!! Just “like” this post and then leave a comment on the Baby Sideburns Facebook page.  I’ll randomly pick a winner this week. But wait, there’s more! They’re also offering a 12% discount to everyone!! Woohooooo! Just enter the promo code SLEEPBABY to get the discount on all of their awesome products. And speaking of stuff that’ll help you sleep better, here are the boring rules to the contest.

If you like this, please don’t forget to push the like and share buttons. Thanks!!




There are 32 comments for this article
  1. Christin at 10:20 am

    You had me rolling off the bed onto the floor with this one 🙂 I recognize those looks with hubby………..after 32 years, I’ve learned to just leave the room while he’s putting stuff together, and concentrate on making him a margarita 😉 You totally rock-Holden and Zoe are so fortunate to have such terrific parents. (ps-you’re doing it right!)

  2. Dana at 10:25 am

    You guys are too funny! But, seeing that bed makes me wish I had gone with one more like it for my son’s bunk bed. His full bed is perpendicular to the bunk, and it takes up more space. Thankfully it’s a big room, but still…

  3. Ashley at 10:35 am

    I have learned over the years that if it is going togrther smoothly it’s not going together right. Lol

  4. kt at 10:43 am

    love christines contribution!!! leaves and makes margarita!!!! i go and make jalapeno poppers and a Michelada!! scores huge points every.time.!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. Cheryl at 10:45 am

    Yay so glad he loved it! You’ve inspired me to get off my b**t & finish shopping for bunk beds for my girls.

  6. Emily at 11:12 am

    I feel your pain! We just did this 2 weeks ago, but after opening all the boxes discovered no directions. After scowering the internet and finding nothing we just winged it. So far nothing has collapsed, no children harmed, and seems pretty sturdy (fingers crossed).

  7. Rene at 11:22 am

    My daughter just asked for bunk beds for her room for “when she has her friends sleep over” and she wants the full sized bed on the bottom. I’m like, child, you have a beautiful bedroom set! She has a solid oak captain’s bed (six drawers underneath), matching dresser, matching desk with a hitch. Truthfully, it WAS her brothers set for years but it was still really nice when he outgrew it (at about 16) so she got it but still. Arrrrrgggghhhhh, kids!

  8. Ashley at 11:38 am

    You’re blog is amazing, and I love it, and I don’t want you to take out another 40 screws….at ALL BUT isn’t there supposed to be a guard on the top bunk to prevent a child from falling out? just curious!! ha

  9. Jen at 11:42 am

    ^My husband and I made those exact same faces while assembling a toy kitchen with like 3000 pieces on Christmas Eve! And we managed not to get divorced! Yippee. The family that slaves away together… stays together? Hmm. Something like that.

  10. Rachel at 12:10 pm

    We want to get bunk beds for our son in a few years (he’s only 1 now). We have very little room, and it would help when company comes from out of town. Kids can share a room, and guests can stay in our daughter’s room.sounds perfect…. In theory.

  11. stannd at 12:13 pm

    Ugh….SO GLAD I ordered my daughter’s big-girl bed already assembled. I never even stopped to think of it, but now I’m not sure both my husband and I would have made it out alive.

  12. Bianca at 12:20 pm

    Great Blog!! These sheets are exactly whelat I need. I have 3 sons. Oldest is 10. I have slept through maybe 1 night a year since he was born. Up all night.. to hot.. to cold.. these would save me.. who in turn would be a better parent!! Thanks for the discount code!! I canmot enter the sweepstakes as I am Canadian but I will take that discount!!

  13. Bobi Jo Jostes at 12:44 pm

    This would be an awesome prize to win as I have a super sweaty sleeper!

  14. Jennifer at 12:45 pm

    Do you like the zip-up sheet thing on the top bunk? I was thinking about getting one. Thanks!

  15. Bobi Jo Jostes at 12:46 pm

    I think my kids would love a bunk bed but we spent a ton of money on a bedroom set that matched their convertible cribs

  16. Sam at 2:08 pm

    I love you Babysideburns! I totally could have used one of those mattress covers when I was pregnant. My husband tried to make me sleep on a garbage bag cause he thought my water was gonna break and make the bed all wet with “pregnancy juices”. Haha

  17. Jamie at 2:44 pm

    oh. my. gawd. this brings back memories of when we put our boys’ bunk beds together…it was like a 3 day affair, took FOREVER and nothing seemed to line up perfect…its was in JULY and i swear i sweated off 20lbs.

  18. Christine at 6:42 pm

    I just wanted to tell you that I thoroughly enjoy every one of your blogs. It makes me feel better to know that I’m not the only one that deals with the frustrations that sometimes comes from being a mom. And it helps to add humor to these situations. I laugh at every one of your stories. Thank you and keep them coming!

  19. Yarrow at 1:27 am

    I’m sure there are bunk beds in the future for my little mountain goat…and more ER visits, too. I guess small bumps make for big character.

  20. Kira at 11:36 am

    Oh my goodness…the ‘O’ face because your husband is going to get a little sumpin sumpin…I AM STILL LAUGHING!!!

  21. Shannon at 12:33 pm

    This is my life right now! My son asked for a car bed for his birthday….it’s in the garage waiting till the night before his birthday when I assume I’ll attempt to build it!

  22. Kristen at 10:43 pm

    I just came across your blog. It is amazing and has become my favorite thing to read. I needed this in my life so thank you for writing this stuff down.

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