This morning I turned into a batshit crazy psycho person

 

Dear Family,

I am sorry. Like really REALLY sorry. I don’t know what is wrong with me. One minute I’m pouring Cheerios into a bowl and the next minute I’ve turned into some scary-ass hybrid of Stephen King’s Cujo and Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.

It’s like there’s this little switch inside my brain or something and all morning I’m holding my shit together, holding my shit together, holding my shit together, and then one of you won’t stop blowing bubbles in your milk or won’t brush your teeth or won’t put your shoes on and suddenly the switch in my brain flips and I go ballistic on you. I’m like, AGGGHHHHH, GET YOUR F’ING SHOES ON OR I’M GOING TO LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT YOU AND YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO CHASE ME DOWN THE STREET BAREFOOT!!!!!

And once the switch flips, that’s it. That switch is pretty much stuck in the crazy-nutjob-psycho position for the rest of our morning together, and it doesn’t matter what happens. I’m going to keep getting madder and madder and madder at the whole family until we leave the house.

Even you, my poor hubby, even though you had nothing to do with it. For some reason once I’ve turned into this crazy person, you can’t do anything right. I’m like, WTF, seriously? You seriously think she’s going to be warm enough in a fleece today? Yo shitforbrains, how many times do I have to tell you, if you let her wear ballet flats to school you HAVE TO pack a pair of sneakers for P.E. in her backpack too?!

And where the hell are the car keys? I can’t find them anywhere, which means YOU definitely lost them. Go check every single one of your pants pockets NOW!! Where the F are the keys?!! Stop milling around!! SOMEONE HELP ME FIND THE KEYS OR WE AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE AND YOU ARE ALL GOING TO BE TARDY FOR SCHOOL AND THEY ARE GOING TO CALL DSS AND TAKE YOU AWAY FROM ME!!!!! And then guess where I find the car keys. In the pocket of my purse. Whoopsies. Yup, totally my fault but it’s too late because I’ve already exploded like a hand grenade and shrapnel is hitting everyone within a twenty foot radius.

And believe it or not, telling you guys DSS is going to take you away from me actually upsets you and now everyone is losing their shit. And I’m like, seriously, you’re upset? Because if I were you, I’d be excited about the prospect of being put in a different home with a different mother who’s sane and doesn’t FA-reak out and look like she’s going to murder everyone because someone forgot their socks.

And then ten minutes later I drop you off at school and for some reason this is the moment that the switch flips back into the normal position and I turn back into nice Mommy. I’m like, “Bye, I love you, give me a kiss, and an Eskimo kiss, and a butterfly kiss, have fun at school, I love you!!!!”

But do you know what I’m thinking as I drive away? I’m thinking WTF was that? Someone call an exorcist because the devil just took over me for a little while there. And now I’m embarrassed and sad and feel really guilty about how I acted. And it bothers me all morning, and sometimes even all day. And I tell myself never to act that way again. Every time I do it.

Love,

A very sorry Mommy who really really loves you even when she acts like a crazy person

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As if we don’t need more shit to stress about it, the holidays are around the corner. AGGGHHHHH!!! But don’t worry! I Heart My Little A-Holes is the perfect gift!! It’ll help all of your loved ones stay sane this holiday. Well, maybe not sane, but it’ll help them laugh a lot.

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There are 66 comments for this article
    • Sharon at 8:21 pm

      Yes, that is me most mornings. Ugh, I hate it,.

  1. Isabelle at 10:03 am

    I love this post. You’ve managed to put into words what we all experience from time to time. And the guilt that quickly follows. Thank you!!!

  2. EEP at 10:05 am

    Plus I have a daughter who has add and oppositional defiance disorder. This is a daily occurrence in our house.

    • KAB at 10:31 am

      Maybe try picking up the book “Raising Lions”

    • Helen at 1:23 pm

      I have a preteen son who is ADD and ODD and an ordinary task of taking a shower can turn into an all out war some days!

    • Robin at 6:06 pm

      Yes! My youngest daughter also has ADD and ODD. It’s a struggle to do the simplest tasks when she is having a bad morning (which is most morning) so I end up losing my mind and acting like a crazy lady. Then later I’m mad at myself for not handling it better.

  3. Michele at 10:07 am

    I hope you know how awesome your stories are to all of us crazy moms out there. And even the ones who won’t admit they are crazy too but you know they at least have these outbursts inside their head. Even though I’ll still feel guilty next time I freak out and even though it will still ruin my day too, I will still have this to look back on and tell myself that I’m not the only crazy mom out there and my kids will probably end up being fine, well adjusted, happy people. So thank you for giving me that one moment where I can feel like I’m not alone and it’s OK to lose my cool once and a while.

  4. SUSANA BURGESS at 10:09 am

    Thank u thank you thank you! U made my day! I feel like I have a friend now. The same devil takes over myself more often than I would like too. I am glad u always remind me I am not alone.

  5. Jodi at 10:10 am

    Oh, I think all moms have that switch…..it activates during pregnancy. Then again, we’re moms, not saints!

  6. Jjenn at 10:12 am

    I hear ya! Im glad Im not the only one. You make me smile! Thank you for your blogging and letting us crazy moms know we are not alone.

  7. Toni at 10:14 am

    I love you ! Thanks for making me feel normal . Every time I yell and always the guilt after

  8. Nicki at 10:18 am

    Thank you for this! I needed it. I had a crazy mommy morning, and have been feeling like the worst mom ever since I dropped my daughter at school. Sometimes I just want to hear that I’m not the only one

  9. Christine W at 10:19 am

    I’m so happy I’m not the only one!! I can relate to every word of this!!

  10. Karen Klimasz Boylan at 10:20 am

    OMG this is so me. but usually this happens in the evening when we are trying to get to bed, and the house is destroyed and I still have not eaten dinner because every time the fork got within two inches of my mouth my son became a little 30 second tornado destroying things and I have had to pee since halfway through my hour commute home but can not go because apparently there is a little button outside the bathroom door that EVERY TIME I step on it sends a message to my son that says “be a little A-hole RIGHT NOW and do something totally dangerous like scale the kitchen counter and play with knives or try to climb out the window or grab a fork and run to the nearest electrical socket.)

  11. Tish Lambert at 10:25 am

    I am so glad that I am not the only one. I was wondering if people would think I am crazy if they saw me on one of “those” mornings. Hope our children aren’t scarred from the experience 🙂

  12. Jamie at 10:29 am

    First of all, I love your writing! Second, sorry to get all medical here but it sounds like you may be suffering from anxiety. I’m so glad I got mine in check and don’t see why anyone should go without treatment! Might be worth mentioning it to your doctor. Good luck and thanks for the entertaining stories!

    • Dawn at 3:23 pm

      I too laughed when I read your story, but Jamie has made a very valid and serious point. Your post described me, my reactions, my blaming others, the guilt, wondering who the hell is this person…..it scared me. I could no longer pass it off as ‘just a mom thing’ or ‘the devil mommy just came out.’ Nobody, including myself, wants to entertain the idea that their thinking and reactions (aka mental health) might have gone off the rails. Of course, if this were a recurring headache or stomach pain, we’d be at our doctors office in a heartbeat, never thinking twice; not thinking we were crazy, psycho, or batshit crazy. I did talk with my doctor, and thank goodness she didn’t just pass it off as my descriptions above. Long story short…I just finished a year long mental health treatment program in which I learned how to re-train my brain and it’s hard wired way of thinking. I now understand why I was thinking and reacting exactly like your post described. I no longer act or feel like I did a year ago. We (at least not me) are not taught in life that there are other ways of looking at things, and that you can control your emotional reactions to stressful situations, our kids behaviors, out of nowhere anger….we just have to learn how.
      Just one experience, from one mom, who saw herself this way too.

  13. Ali at 10:39 am

    If only there were a way to see the craziness coming before I lost my mind and acted like my family were out to get me. My poor wife…! How is it that I am not divorced?

  14. Jenn at 10:40 am

    I am sitting here laughing AND crying like a crazy person in my office — yep I’m THAT one 🙂 You always make me feel completely NOT alone in this impossible task of parenting, marriage and life. Thank you. I adore you.

  15. Paula Sears at 10:42 am

    I’ve been reading “Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids” by Dr. Laura Markham and I LOVE it. It has helped me have fewer of those crazy mommy moments! Quick and easy read!

  16. Jessica at 10:45 am

    So we are not alone mommies!!! I do the exact same thing. You can’t tell me going back generations and generations that our moms and their moms didn’t get this way too and look, I think we are okay! We turned out okay, I’m not traumatized by my childhood. I am sure my parents we not traumatized by theirs either!! Just remember we all have been there and we are not alone!! So glad to read this today!! Thanks for keeping it real, you’ve been a wonderful inspiration and Thank You for that!!

  17. robyn at 10:45 am

    Wow glad I’m not alone!!! Thanks for having the guts to put this out there, haha. It’s comforting to know so many of us have been there.

  18. Rick Lund at 10:51 am

    Thanks for posting this. As a father, I thought it was just (whatever is left of) my testosterone that caused me to occasionally flip my lid. It’s comforting to hear that this happens to mothers sometimes too.
    Love your posts Karen!

  19. Talia at 10:51 am

    I did that yesterday… Cried about it.. Hang in there and please keep sharing your stories… You make me feel normal ?

  20. suzanne Miles at 11:17 am

    Been there done that…..a lot. Yha ks for being a normal human and normal mom.

  21. Bridget at 11:37 am

    Its like you are reading a day in the life of me. Holy crap i sort of thought i was the only crazy mom to behave this way. I love your writing and it’s really great to know im not alone. Thank you

  22. Katie at 11:55 am

    I am so glad I am not the only one that does this. Thank you for writing this. 🙂

  23. Julie D. at 12:05 pm

    In the morning?! Hell, morning, noon and night! You saved me from hating myself today (at least as much 😉 ). Thank you for this post more than any other one you’ve written. I honestly thought I was the only one – at least among friends/acquaintances whom I consider “normal” loving parents (whatever that means). This happens for me far too often, and every. single. time. I pray for patience and self-control, and then before I know it I go apeshit all over again. THANK YOU. I may still be evil and psycho at times, but at least now I know I’m not alone.

  24. Jessica at 12:14 pm

    Just this morning after my top blew off and I yelled and threatened my poor little monsters I looked in the rearview of my dang mini van to see a sad little red head who wouldn’t smile back at me. I had to hug and kiss her a thousand times when I dropped her off at preschool today and stil have that sunken feeling that I crushed my silly girls sole this morning all because she wanted to play instead of eat and dance instead of brush her hair. Dang she’s only four why WHY AM I SOOOO CRAZY. LOL oh yeah I’m prego. Poor kid 🙁

    I promise we’re going to go buy you new ballet shoes today and we’re gonna go to the dock and skip rocks I promise I promise!!!

  25. batshitcrazy at 12:14 pm

    I only have 1 kid – a 13 month old but it’s our two dogs that regularly ‘flip my switch’ like this. All the sudden I’m a crazy person because they won’t stop barking or one of them shat on the floor just as I was sitting down to feed the baby. I think I do it because I’m TRYING to make a peaceful environment for my son which essentially makes it a non-peaceful environment so my actions fly in the face of what I am trying to accomplish. In the end, I think we just want things to go smoothly and when they don’t, it can just be too much to handle sometimes. We’re all human. I just try to give myself a timeout when that happens and try to collect myself.

  26. Lea-Anne C at 1:03 pm

    That is me! That person right there, the crazy a*s psycho! I could not have described myself better!

  27. Jennifer at 1:53 pm

    Been there and done that. Over and over and over. Just means we’re all imperfect people trying to make it through the day. My crazy switch was often located in the car. I’d go along just fine and then totally LOSE MY MIND and scream at my toddler in the backseat just busy doing toddler things. I still feel guilty.
    On the upside, she’s now 17 and responsible and beautiful and smart in spite of it all!

  28. Maral at 3:10 pm

    Thank you for letting me know there’s another crazy mom out there doing the same morning routine as I am!!

  29. Lisa at 3:31 pm

    OMG, exactly what happens to us and I feel the exact same way about it. Nice to know I’m not alone!!!

  30. Stacy adams at 5:27 pm

    Omg I’m so relieved to know that I’m not the only one who does this is exact thing especially the part of they are gonna take u from me because everything has turned into that around here that’s my only way to get things done when Ive ran out of Patience but yea I’m so glad I read this because I do question myself about it after I calm down if I have mentally screwed my daughters head up but there is no wrong and right when it comes to being parents

  31. Stephanie at 7:27 pm

    You know what cures this, someone recording your psycho self and showing it to you. Then you actually see the collateral damage it’s doing. Not judging…true story!

  32. Sarah at 11:14 pm

    I must have been blogging in my sleep again. Every word. Every. Single. Word. I needed this. Thanks for making me feel like I am not alone on this ride called motherhood!

  33. Marie at 2:53 am

    Made my day! I have 3 little kids and this describes me at least once a day. I thought I was the only one, since I have never met anyone honest enough to admit these details of their lives.

  34. Ellen Dooley at 6:27 am

    Hate when I do this! Mine are teenagers now and, believe me, they can send you into full-on raving lunatic as surely as the ones who can’t dress themselves. Lord have mercy. So glad you’re so funny. Funny helps. A lot.

  35. mom of 2 hells-angels at 7:06 am

    Omg!! This is me every morning. I have 2 boys and no matter how many times i ask if i have papers to sign..it never fails.. trying to get ready for school and they bring me a big mess of stuff to go thru and then i have to figure out what needs to be important because heaven forbid they ACTUALLY listen to the teacher’s instructions!!!

  36. Monica at 8:16 am

    I’m so glad I am not crazy… this is almost an everyday occurrence in my house. Thank you for putting this out there to let us other moms know we are not alone and that the devil made us do it, lol.

  37. Cindy at 8:41 am

    This was totally me on Tuesday night and I hate the guilt afterwards. We are not alone! 🙂

  38. pinkgranitegreenlight at 12:44 pm

    OMG I needed that! I seriously almost choked to death laughing so hard with tears rolling down my face. “I’m not alone! I’m so not alone!”, was what I was thinking. Thank you for sharing your dark side with us – we clearly all have one!

  39. danosaur at 11:46 am

    writing about bad behavior doesn’t excuse any of it… “oh look, there are other horrible people just like me on this random blog! i feel so much better about being horrible, blaming my horribleness on everything else but me, acting less mature than my 6 year old, and not improving myself in any significant way!”

  40. Hannah at 5:15 pm

    I’m with you sister! Is this a hormone thing?

  41. T at 9:16 pm

    First, hilarious!! You perfectly discribed moments I’ve had myself. Everyone does have those moments occasionally!
    I will say that about a year and a half ago I was having those moments really often. The kind where I would completely blow my top and immediately after could not believed that I had overreacted that badly! It felt like some twisted over-the-top PMS on crack. A few months later my health started failing and now, a year later I’m dealing with the consequences. Apparently those “losing my s**t” moments were a side effect of impending Adrenal Insufficiency. My body was losing its ability to handle stress of any kind and so the smallest thing would trigger a freak out of massive proportions. Think “fight or flight” except I tended to lean towards fight.
    Now I don’t have the ability to handle any stress, emotional or physical, and have to take medicine to replace what I need.
    All that was written to say that sometimes, if you feel that you’re losing it more often than you should, there may be a very definate reason that’s medical. If that’s the case it might be worth looking into before you get worse.
    Of course it also could just be the daily stresses that come from being a mom and always feeling like you fall short:)
    Keep up the hilarity! Totally makes me laugh out loud every time I read!!