Here’s a genius idea: you raise your kid and I’ll raise mine
Don’t you just love when someone comes up to you and tells YOU how to parent YOUR child? Sometimes it’s a random stranger on the street and sometimes it’s a random a-hole in your family. Anyways, until now, I’ve just smiled and nodded my head. But screw that. From now on, here are ten things I’m gonna say when someone tries to tell me how to parent MY child:
1. That’s funny, I didn’t think he came out of YOUR vajayjay. Then how come mine’s all stretched out?
2. Holy crap, can you read minds?! I was literally just wishing that some random a-hole who doesn’t know my kid at all would tell me what to do.
3. Heyyy, I never thought about giving him a lollipop to stop his tantrum. You must be a genius! Then he’ll never throw a tantrum again.
4. Yup, I’m totally acquainted with the children you raised. That’s why I’m not letting you anywhere near mine.
5. So what you’re saying is that I should just put the food in front of him and he’ll eat it if he’s hungry enough? Brilliant. I keep putting it behind him and hoping he’ll turn around.
6. Wow, your kids slept through the night at two months old? Okay, here’s my address. Just come over at 11 p.m. tonight and I’ll take off so you can make my kid do that.
7. The fact that you’ve been shooting eye daggers at my spirited child for the past ten minutes tells me something: That you are watching my child like a hawk so I’m gonna leave him with you for a little while.
8. Good advice, but easier said than done. Kinda like taking that giant stick out of your ass. I can tell you to do it, but until we start pulling the log we won’t really know how rough it’s gonna be.
9. That’s funny. My pediatrician told me something totally different. She told me that I shouldn’t listen to dickwads like you.
10. Lemme get this straight. You F’ed up your own kids and now you want to use my kids to try again? Hmmmm, lemme see. Ummmm, no.
So there you go. Feel free to keep offering me advice, and I’ll feel free to keep ignoring it.
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And don’t forget to order my new book I Want My Epidural Back. Because getting a big F’ing needle in my spine is less painful than half the shit I go through on a daily basis.
Great post!! I’m in the midst of it right now on the subject of pacifiers! I don’t know who’s worse about it, my Dad or Walmart greeters……..
Jennifer, had I had this list of one-liners, I would’ve used all of them. As it was though, I simply said to my detractors, “You never see an adult walking around with a pacifier. Don’t worry. When they’re ready to give it up, they’ll give it up.” Same is true for potty training. WHen they’re ready, they’ll use the toilet. (How many grown men and women use diapers by choice? Hmm?) Until then, stick with #9 for Dad & Walmart and stick with patience for yourself.
Food in front? #Genius
Ahhh man, this makes me feel like I should have talked to the mom who’s kid was throwing a fit at Target the other day. She had the screamer in timeout right up front and the whole store could hear her. All sorts of people were tisk tisking (not a real word) that mom and I wanted to go give her a pat on the back and words of encouragement. I should have because others have no problemo sharing their unwanted advice, why not cheer on a mom for sticking to her guns even if her kid is making scene.
PS- is it weird that I also get annoyed when people give me unwanted advice for my dogs too…
I should have used #7 when the old hag in TJ Maxx was glaring at my 2 year old for pretending a stuffed monkey was sneezing. Instead, I bought my daughter the monkey =). It’s one of her favorite snugglies!
So hilarious. I raised my kids with one rule only. Do everything exactly the opposite of what my Mother did.
Lol I love it! 16&12 are to old for anyone to try and give me advise, maybe it’s because they know I’ll go stabby on them. I was never given advice when they were younger, although I always got asked if we would “try again” to have a boy. My response was always – Dear God no, I’ve been blessed with 2 healthy girls, I can’t take the risk of not having a third! The Hubster and I never cared about the s*x of our kids just that they be healthy.
#4 and #8 are my favourites!
Related to #5 is the advice to make him take a “thank you bite.” Right, because it’s so worth it to have him eat a bite of vegetable and then vomit the entire meal on the table/floor/me.
I SO wish i read this awhile ago but i still have plenty of time to use each and every one of these. More currently, i already know i’ll be using #6 often because i’m SO sick of hearing people tell me their child slept through the night at XXX months (mine’s 8 months, will be 9 months next week and bed-shares and wakes up 2 or 3 times still and WILL NOT sleep in his crib or just alone in general outside of nap time….). Oh and # 5 lol – mine also started throwing fits one day for food he liked the day before and people Love to give me advice… i love your come backs! <3 You're my hero!!