Why bottle-feeding might actually be the best choice for some people

 

Dear lady who’s bottle-feeding her newborn in Starbucks right now,

Yeah, I saw that. That group of women in the chairs who just gave you a disapproving look when you whipped out the bottle. Now mayyybe they just don’t approve of the donut you’re eating. Or maybe they don’t like your outfit. But I’m pretty sure they were looking down on you because you aren’t breastfeeding. And I’m really hoping you didn’t notice. But just in case you did, I wanted to make sure you know that there is at least ONE mother in here who is not judging you for bottle-feeding. Because this is what I know:

1. Breastfeeding doesn’t always work out for everyone. Sometimes our bodies suck and don’t cooperate. Like my baby didn’t come out of my vajayjay. Was it my fault? No. And maybe your boobies just weren’t in the mood to be vending machines.

2. How about this? It’s entirely possible you adopted that adorable little baby and your udders aren’t full of milk. Duh.

3. Maybe you are getting ready to go back to work and you need your little guy to be okay with bottle-feeding so he doesn’t refuse it all the time and starve to death while you’re earning money to take care of him.

4. Maybe your newbie is like mine was, and keeps losing weight no matter how much you breastfeed him, and the doctor says the best thing you can do for his health is supplement the breastfeeding with formula. And I don’t know about you, but if I was giving my baby the breast sometimes and the bottle other times, call me crazy, but I’d probably choose the bottle when I’m sitting in the middle of Starbucks.

5. Maybe there’s a different reason you’ve decided not to breastfeed. And maybe it’s a really good reason that I don’t know about. And maybe it’s none of my F’ing business because it’s not my kid.

6. Maybe having a baby and waking up all hours of the night and changing diapers twelve times a day and dealing with postpartum depression AND trying to breastfeed at the same time was too much for you and you were constantly a crying mess. So maybe you are actually a BETTER mom for choosing not to breastfeed.

Anyways, I can tell by the way you’re looking into your little guy’s eyes and talking to him that you are utterly madly completely in love with him and that you would do anything for him, so I’m pretty damn sure you’ve made the best choice for both of you. That’s all I gotta really say. Welcome to the Mommy wars where some people give dirty looks and some people give silent support from across the coffee shop.

Sincerely,

Another mom who’s judging you and thinks you’re awesome

If you liked this, please don’t forget to like and share it. Thank you!!

And don’t forget to order my new book I Want My Epidural Back. Because getting a big F’ing needle in my spine is less painful than half the shit I go through on a daily basis.

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There are 42 comments for this article
  1. Katherine at 8:10 pm

    I love this post!! I want to add that one of my best friends bottle fed her three boys because she doesn’t produce breast milk. Her mom and aunts and sisters dont either. She has tried all the supplements etc and her body just doesn’t work that way. Her kids are happy and healthy! Also, just because its a bottle doesn’t mean it’s formula!!! I pumped lots of milk for my son and sometimes used a bottle to feed him when I was out running errands or while I was at work. Maybe her boobs were tired and her nipples needed a break. Been there!

  2. Stacy at 8:16 pm

    Thank you Baby Sideburns! I was one of those mom’s who could not breast feed. Due to a severe health condition I wasn’t even supposed to get pregnant but despite precautions nature had other plans. My beautiful baby girl had to be delivered 8 weeks early or neither of us would’ve made it. The stress of the birth was too much for my body and I hardly produced any milk. I tried pumping twice as often to trick my body risking my health further. After a nurse scolded me for not bringing enough milk for my baby I broke down completely. Thank God for our NICU charge nurse and our pediatrician (who I hadn’t even met yet) nth of whom told me that my little girl needed a healthy and living mom more than the nutrients from my breast milk. Still I would frequently hide when feeding her in public just to avoid the disapproving glances or the buttinskys who would tell me I should be breast feeding. We all do the best we can. It’s no one else’s job to judge!

  3. Meghan at 8:23 pm

    As always, you are spot on Karen. I suffered with Post-Partum with both of my kids. So bad with my first I didn’t want a second. But 6 years later… Whoops… And the post-partum was devastating once again – maybe even worse this time. So because of the meds I was on I couldn’t nurse. At the end of the day, it is what it is… Your baby is happy and healthy and so is Mom so everyone wins. Thank you for always supporting us Moms who think we are doing it all wrong all the time. I heart you!

  4. Stephanie Fortin McCaskill at 8:24 pm

    Just thank you! My body didn’t want to be a vending machine. As a mom I felt like a failure because my body wouldn’t cooperate but, the judge, know it all moms were sooooo much worse! Why can’t we all just support each other! Thanks again, from the non-judgy mom with the brokendown boobs and the super smart, amazingly cute kids that thrived on formula!

  5. Becky at 8:24 pm

    I appreciate this post because I was a bottle feeding mom but I feel like everyone is always looking for a justification for bottle feeding like “couldn’t breastfeed” or “going back to work” and sometimes it’s so much more simple. I didn’t breastfeed because I didn’t want to. At all. Not for one second. Didn’t even try. Just never bothered. And that’s ok.

    I worry that bottle feeding moms sometimes feel like they need to say “I tried and it didn’t work” when it’s just as ok to say “I didn’t want to. P**s off”.

  6. Crystal at 8:25 pm

    Why does everyone assume bottle feeding = formula feeding? That’s what I always wonder. I don’t see the harm in either for the record… to each their own, women need to find what works best for mom and baby period and it’s no one’s business.

    But seriously… maybe it was breast milk, or maybe it was 3/4 breast milk and 1/4 formula introduction? I tried that.. no matter what I’m on 9+ mos with my second child and there was no way she’d take a bottle, not with my milk but most certainly not with formula. My first was being supplemented by 4mo’s with all of a couple days battle to introduce the bottle. le sigh…

    But yeah.. moms need to find what works best for them and the judgy b*tches can go fly a kite!

  7. Melinda at 8:26 pm

    Thank you for this. I’m a mom who wanted to breastfeed and I couldn’t produce enough to solely breastfeed. My daughter lost 10% of her body weight before she even left the hospital. I never produced enough. I would pump for an hour and get one ounce. I hated being judged for something I had no control over.

  8. Jen at 8:29 pm

    It’s also possible she was feeding breastmilk in the bottle, because her baby has trouble latching to the breast for one reason or another.

  9. Marissa at 8:32 pm

    Love this! I wasn’t able to breastfeed my first due to health reasons and I always felt like I was being judged. I still feel that way with my daughter because I exclusively pump– she spent time in the NICU so unfortunately our nursing relationship wasn’t very successful since she got used to getting expressed milk– anytime I feed her in public I want to hold up a sign that says ” this is breastmilk, so stop judging”

  10. meghan at 8:33 pm

    This is one of the best things you’ve ever written, thank you!!!

  11. Nicole H. at 8:33 pm

    Another possible reason:

    My daughter was a preemie, born at 30 weeks, 10 weeks early. She spent 6 weeks in the NICU/IMCN and was fed through a tube in her nose since she was so small. I pumped breastmilk for her every 3 hours. She never was able to breastfeed (it was just too hard for her and she got used to the bottle). But she got breastmilk, I pumped every 3 hours, day and night, for 8 months, until my body didn’t keep up with her demand anymore and we had to supplement with formula.
    I would take her to mom & baby groups, and people gave me dirty looks for bringing out the bottle. I wanted to scream at them “this is breastmilk! And I work really hard for it!”

    You just never know someone’s situation or why they are using a bottle. Thanks for this post!

  12. Lisa at 8:35 pm

    Or maybe like me my baby was born 7 weeks early and to give him enough calories we had to add formula to breast milk that I pumped because he wasn’t able to take all of his feed by mouth and had to have a tube to get his nutrients until he was able to learn how to such and not get to tired to finish eating. So he was never able to only breast feed in order to.gove him enough calories no matter what I did. Or maybe with my second he wouldn’t latch on because my nipples were too flat (or something like that) so I pumped exclusively for 8 months and he drank from a bottle – same stuff different container and I still had to “expalin” to the nosey judgey ones who always think they can do it better… thank you for this.

  13. Bernie at 8:37 pm

    Amen! I didn’t want to. Don’t regret it one bit. Mommy shamming has come a long way since I’ve had my children, 21 and 16. I don’t envy new mothers at all. I’d be a nervous wreck thinking about getting shamed on the Internets because I let my kid eat dirt and ride his bike to school when he was 6. Ugh

  14. Kelly Neal at 8:46 pm

    Or maybe she has a rare genetic disorder that the mothers milk is toxic! Galactosemia is a rare genetic disorder that does not allow you to process any dairy, including breast milk. A baby fed breast milk continuously will die. It is currently on the newborn screening testing.

  15. Erika at 8:52 pm

    Thank you!!! Love this post! I was an exclusive pumper so technically I bottle fed, but with breast milk bc I had difficulty with latching…. So my “bottle feeding” was judged at times in public and I felt like I kept having to explain myself to strangers! What a world that I felt I had to explain myself to people who had no right to be a part of my business!!!

  16. Mary burkemper at 8:58 pm

    My body also sucks and I starved my babies for a while because my boobs just weren’t cooperating! It’s so common, I really hate judgy assholes. Stop and think before you give a new mommy ANOTHER thing to freak out about!

  17. WellsMommy at 9:10 pm

    If it were not for formula and the NICU, a lot of babies would not be here today. People can be mean.

  18. Tiana at 9:29 pm

    I know you probably won’t read this but your post made me cry. I just gave birth to my fourth child , my first girl. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 22…ten years ago. My life has been a roller coaster with trying to find the right meds. Mostly I have been well but a year before I got pregnant with my daughter I was hospitalized eight times, in the psych ward. Just couldn’t find the right meds. Well finally we found some that work , and I got pregnant. I had to stay on the meds while pregnant . Most people frown upon that and my guilt was heavy but my daughter was born healthy and without any trace of the meds in her. Unfortunately the meds do transfer through breast milk , so it’s bottle feeding for me. I will admit I held her up to my breast one night just to see what it was like, if she could do it , only for a second. I shouldn’t have, it was so perfect and she knew just what to do. But I knew this could not be the way for us. So people should not judge because we are all doing the best we can. And sometimes the best is not what we want but what is right , and sometimes our only option . Love you Baby Sideburns

  19. Crystal at 9:36 pm

    Aww Tiana, geez that hit me. I have been VERY fortunate in that with both I’ve had no problems BF. My baby (9mo) won’t do anything but BF so it’ll be a full 12 mo which I never thought I’d make it to to be honest. But I get it, that’s really heartbreaking. I’m so sorry you feel you’re missing out, but you are doing what’s best for you two and what’s best for you beautiful daughter is that her mother is as healthy and happy as possible.

  20. Teresa at 9:52 pm

    Thank you for this post, you have such empathy and I hope it makes people think twice before criticising others. I also had trouble BF and was made to feel bad for ‘giving up’. You have a great way of writing and always make me laugh, but that said, this is a serious subject and I’m so glad you have posted this.

  21. Liz at 10:10 pm

    Hi, I’m a Mom of 4 healthy children. No ear infections, no allergies, and I want to say they do not have anything from the list of many other of “today’s conditions” that a lot of kids are diagnosed with today. But, I’m not here to hurt anyone’s feelings. I chose not to breast feed for 1 main reason because it was just too much pressure! All the ridiculous attention something “so natural” gets just doesn’t make sense to me. It was just easier for me or my husband to just mix up the formula. By the way, I always served it room temperature! LOL!! My Mom (mother of 5 healthy children who Did Not Breastfeed) would always cringe…she wanted the formula warmed up!! My babies didn’t care if it was warm, they were just hungry and wanted a “loving” person to feed it to them. And that’s what they got every single time a loving person, snuggling them, singing to them, rocking them to sleep..,feeding them. By the way, I was cheap and if their little tummies wound tolerate it they got Walmart brand. Sorry Tyler, but you have one tough tummy!!!

  22. Melissa at 10:14 pm

    Maybe she didnt want to breastfeed in public… Always someone to judge… Live your life… As long as mom and babe are healthy and happy thats all that matters!

  23. Alexandra at 10:55 pm

    Amen sister!!! Right on! I did the same thing for the same reason!!!

  24. Alexandra at 10:56 pm

    Thank you so much!! Right on the money! ? You are such an amazing writer!

  25. Rebecca at 1:07 am

    This brought a tear to my eye…thank you! The mommy wars are tough and feeling like you have to explain yourself on the decisions you make for you and your child just sucks!

  26. Mehmet Torrigan at 1:29 am

    Great post and very well said. My baby girl couldn’t seem to latch (i think thats the term) so the wife pumped those udders into bottles, on the plus side she could have full nights of sleep as we’d alternate getting up to feed lil one.

  27. Cheryl Gustafson at 7:32 am

    I also did not breast feed because, I simply did not want to. My kids grew up just fine and I don’t feel bad in the least about it.

  28. Kelley at 7:50 am

    There’s also “maybe she just didn’t want to. ” cause that’s ok, too! And if she WAS breastfeeding in Starbucks, I’m sure another table would have judged her for doing so in public. Ya can’t win.

  29. Amanda Wihebrink at 8:38 am

    Neither of my girls would breastfeed even though I tried like hell….and I am kind of glad becuase bottle feeding is soooo less stressful!

  30. Tammy Ingersoll at 8:49 am

    But then you have the people that frown upon breastfeeding in public too. So you’ll get dirty looks no matter what!

  31. Paula Sears at 9:29 am

    Maybe the mommy in Starbucks thought breastfeeding was GROSS! Just like I did! Nothing could gross me out more (and if that statement has offended any breast-feeding rah-rah types, I don’t care because it is how I feel!).

    Luckily, there were some incredible nurses at the hospital when I delivered my son. They were kind and supportive of my choice and I was made comfortable from the beginning in choosing to formula-feed, instead of breast-feeding or pumping. My family doctor, obstetrician and the hospital nurses all told me that formula-fed babies are very healthy because formula-fed babies are getting just the right vitamin/mineral intake that infants require…unlike some breast-fed babies that are lacking nutrients because their mothers aren’t producing what they need or their mothers have poor diets. Other benefits of formula-feeding were that my son slept through the night early on, I could feed him anywhere and we could leave him with family easily if we needed a date night.

    Today, my 5 year old son is extremely intelligent, creative and healthy. In fact, he has only been sick with a flu once. I have friends who breast-fed their kids and their kids are always sick. So even the argument that breast-fed babies receive an immune system boost that formula-fed babies don’t get isn’t necessarily a deal breaker.

    I remember my doctor telling me that if you lined up a hundred adults in a room, with a variety of personalities, preferences, careers and health issues, no one could pick out those who had been formula-fed as infants.

  32. pfeifferphotography72 at 10:20 am

    I provided breast milk via the bottle because my boobies were reluctant to give it up. It would take me an hour to pump 4 ounces of milk. On a good day.

  33. Christine at 12:34 pm

    Ah I so agree!! I tried breastfeeding for about a week and I hated it! I felt guilty that I hated it like I was a freak or something, but as soon as I switched to formula everything went sooooo much better (including my ppd) It wasn’t just the discomfort or difficulty latching, I just didn’t like the overall experience and After 9 months of pregnancy I wanted my body back lol!

  34. sarah at 1:30 pm

    Do you remember the days when one had to hide if you were going to breast feed? Well I actually had to hide while bottle feeding because people were so nasty to me about it!!!! Thank you for this thoughtful post!

  35. Mand at 7:27 am

    Thank you!! I am exactly the same way. I don’t want to breastfeed and im never going to try it. And that’s reason enough for me, my husband, and my two healthy boys.

  36. VTMomOf4 at 7:06 pm

    YES! YES! YES! I did not produce enough milk (actually, I produced hardly any milk at all) for any of my four babies. It was devastating for me and I tried really hard each time hoping my body — which was FANTASTIC at labor and delivery, though not so much at actually getting pregnant (thank you Clomid) — would figure it out. I tried all the herbs. I read all the books, I went to or called the (awesome) lactation consultants almost every day. I ordered domperidone from New Zealand. Within a week, all four times, formula was flowing. And I cried — oh how I cried — because I wanted to breastfeed so badly. All my sisters-in-law had done it, including one who was an “over-producer” who donated gallons of breastmilk to a local neonatal unit for the 18 months she nursed for each of her two babies. My sister had done it (with twins!). After attempt number four for me failed to pan out, a good friend of mine told me that when she’d come to the hospital to meet baby #4, her heart sank for me when she saw the herb bottles and books lined up on my rolling tray. She had been a wonderful support through all of my endeavors and she was sad for me because, like me, she knew that it was unlikely that it would work the fourth time around. One of my husband’s greatest concerns about having a fourth child — beyond the usual money, time, quality time with the rest of the crew, etc. — was not wanting to watch me go through the anguish again. It was painful for him to watch and not be able to help me make it happen for me.

    With baby #1, just after she stopped even wanting to latch (though I was still pumping every few hours around the clock — ever fallen asleep with the breast pump running? OUCH!) and I was so sad and feeling like a failure, I took an outing to our local coop. I did some shopping and then went to the food court to have some lunch. Halfway through my sandwich, my daughter started squeaking for some food of her own, so I took out her bottle of formula. As I was shaking it, a woman I did not know approached me and lit into me about how I was poisoning my baby and what was the matter with me . . . and on and on. I was so stunned and shocked. I just sat there (unusual for me) until she was finished, and then swept the rest of my lunch onto a tray and dumped it, hoisted my daughter’s carrier on one arm and my purchases on the other and fast walked (well, as fast as you can walk when carrying all that!) to my car where I fell apart and cried while I fed my beautiful daughter. Later, I was able to muse about how that woman had the nerve to make so many assumptions about my circumstances — adoption, a friend’s baby, foster child, medical reasons, a choice, whatever! I wish someone had written a blog like this 13 years ago when my beautiful daughter initiated me into motherhood!

  37. Kay at 8:37 am

    Thank you! I hated being stuck for 20-40 minutes in public with a baby on my b**b! It’s so hard and miserable and time-consuming. I either pumped or brought a bottle of formula and honestly, who cares. Is there anything worse in public than a screaming 3 mo old? NOTHING! I hope people learn to mind their own business soon. Who cares how the baby is being fed as long as it’s not chugging beer through a funnel and hose!