Wahhhhhh, I am SO mad at Disney. Like seriously pissed off. They have made coming back to reality after our cruise crazy hard. But Mama’s gotta bring home the bacon to pay for things… like another cruise. Anyways, we were cruise virgins before this one, so I’d be an a-hole not to share what I learned in case you’re thinking about taking one yourself. And in case you can’t tell from words like a-hole and virgin, this is not sponsored, so it will be very truthful. Here goes. Ten things I learned about taking a Disney cruise:
1. Pack a boatload of tissues (not really because they have some in your bathroom), but holy crap are you gonna need them. If you’re anything like me and embarrassingly cry the moment the music starts playing in Disney movies, do NOT wear mascara. Like the moment we boarded the ship, the staff lined up and called out, “Welcome, Alpert family!!” and I felt like we were royalty and I had to blink really fast to keep the tears from spilling over.
2. If you have a picturesque fantasy about lying beside the quiet pool and getting some rays, this is not the vacation for you. Don’t get me wrong, it is SUPER FUN and I would go again in a heartbeat, but the first time I walked out to the pool, I pretty much had a panic attack. Picture a mosh pit of rugrats. Like if I were an a-hole and was willing to step on kids’ heads, I could have walked from one side of the pool to the other without getting wet. But the good news is, Disney makes everyone get out of the pool about every hour to clean it so the water never actually turns yellow.
2B. And if you’re thinking, “That’s okay because I’m a mom I have the superhero ability to tune out the sound of children,” well, that’s good. Because then you’ll be able to hear the humungous jumbotron that’s constantly playing Disney movies outside on the pool deck. It was a kid’s dream-come-true. And since we came here to make my kids’ dreams come true, mission accomplished.
3. The kids club is AWWWWWESOMMMMME. But listen up, because this is probably the smartest thing we did the whole trip. Before we dropped the little booger-snots off at the kids’ club, we took them there during an Open House. Nahhh, not because we needed to check it out first. It’s Disney for Pete’s sake. They’re better parents than I am. But Holden would have had a shit-fit if I dropped him off in some random place he didn’t know at all, so first we took him there to see it with us. That way when we took him back to go without us, he was super excited to go back and see the magic floor and the submarine and Pixie Hollow and the Monster University area, etc. etc. etc., while we got to eat at an adult-only amaaaaazing restaurant without any annoying rugrats ruining our fancy dinner. Uhhh, I mean I swear we missed our kids a lot. Can’t you tell?
4. The price is not the price you pay to get on the boat. Drinks and gratuity cost a shitload in the end. Like our bill after the cruise came to $1500. Is this boat rocking or am I about to pass out? I am fully in support of paying 20% to our servers and housekeepers because they TOTALLY deserved it, but still, minor heart attack. On the flip side, Disney makes sure that certain necessities like bottles of water and kid’s Tylenol and trips to the health center are actually very reasonable, which I think is awesome because these are not things you want to skimp on. Then again, blended adult drinks by the pool are also necessities you don’t want to skimp on and they cost like a million dollars. WTF, Disney?
5. The food is seriously all you can eat!! Like for realz. Hmmmm, should I get the stuffed lobster or the beef tenderloin? Bwhahahahaha, trick question because I’m getting BOTH. I shit you not. You can sit down to the dinner table and order everything on the menu if you want. Which is particularly awesome when the dessert menu comes.
WAITRESS: Would you like the molten chocolate lava cake, the crème brûlée (you know it’s a fancy dessert when it has all those accents!), or the banana split?
6. If you pick a cruise that has special days like Pirate Day or Star Wars Day, pack costumes. People on Disney cruises are like total Disney geeks (including myself) and they get decked out (cruise puns!!). I wore a dinky Star Wars t-shirt from Tarjay, and I was one of the lamest people on the ship (technically I was already one of the lamest people on the ship before Star Wars Day). Plus, I’m pretty sure Zoey was picked to do Jedi training because she was dressed up. And that made schlepping her giant Padmé mask in the suitcase worth it. Kind of.
7. You have the same two servers waiting on your dinner table every night the whole trip. Which is great because they get to know you and what you like (my wine filled to the brim every time I take a sip). We had Alexa and Marcelo, and I was seriously sad to leave them at the end of the seven days. Holy crap were they awesome. Alexa made the kids origami at the table and Marcelo did real live magic. And at one point my hubby was cutting Holden’s food, and Alexa literally sprinted across the restaurant hurdling tables like Flo-Jo to yank the knife out of his hand and do it for him. Now THAT is a vacation.
8. Okay, guess what my favorite thing about this cruise was? No, not the piña coladas, not the all-you-can-eat meals, not the HUGE-ASS waterslide that totally rocked. It’s that it was a DISNEY cruise, so if my kid threw a tantrum and laid (lied??? lay???) down in the middle of the hallway floor, people just stepped over him and continued on their way. Yo, Disney, here’s your new tagline: where a kid can be a douchenugget and no one gives a crap. It’s for sale if you want it!
So yeah, there are like a boatload of other things I can tell you about (mostly awesome), but my fingers are tired and I’m still going through piña colada withdrawal so I need to take it easy. If you are a Disney cruise savant and have any good thoughts to add, feel free to leave them in the comments because chances are, you’re totally smarter than I am. And if you liked this, please don’t forget to like and share it! Thank you and bon voyage!!
And if you need some good EASY reading for your trip, try my book I Want My Epidural Back!! Just don’t read it on the airplane or you will laugh your ass off and everyone will think you’re a crazy person.