Dear teenage boy, I’m about to shove your lead foot up your you-know-what

 

Dear A-hole,

I know you think you are sooooo cool. Or dope. Or badass. Or whatever word the teenagers are using these days. But let me tell you something. You are the complete OPPOSITE of cool. Why on earth would you think driving a million miles per hour down a residential street is impressing anyone? The only impression you are making is a shitty one.

Because let’s talk about what could happen if you keep tearing through our neighborhood like a Nascar driver on speed:

1. This is an area that’s full of little kids. Little kids on bikes. Little kids chasing balls. Little kids who will die if you hit them with your giant car. Talk about something that will NOT impress the girls.

YOU: Oh heyyyy baby, guess what I did this morning. I ran over a three-year-old. Wanna go out with me?

TEENAGE GIRL: Hmmm, lemme think about that, I’m gonna say, HELL NO.

2. Remember how fun it was to get your license? Now think about how much it’s gonna suck when a cop pulls you over and takes it away. This is what the girls are gonna think about that.

YOU: Wanna go out with me? I can pick you up on my bicycle.

TEENAGE GIRL: Bwhahahahaha. Oh wait, you’re serious.

3. And last but not least, keep driving like that and here’s something else that might happen. You could get murdered. Yup, rumor has it this crazy lady has been walking around the neighborhood stalking teenage boys who drive like bats out of hell and beating them over the head with a steel bat. Hmmmm, whoever could she be? It’s a mystery.

Anyways, I get it. You’re young and think you’re totally invincible. It must be awesome that you can’t die. So unless you’re sharing the Holy Grail with the rest of us, please keep us in mind while you’re driving. If you feel like doing something risky to impress other people, why don’t you try something that’s not gonna hurt someone else? Like sky diving. Or bungee jumping. Or the running of the bulls. If you survive, you’ll totally impress the ladies. If you die, you won’t be able to terrorize our neighborhood anymore. It’s a win win.

In a nutshell, take your lead foot off the F’ing pedal, or I am going to turn into the Terminator and chase you down and pick up your car and crush it in my bare hands with you inside. And it will hurt.

Sincerely,

The woman who shakes her fist at you every time you drive by

P.S. If you liked this, please don’t forget to like and share it. Thank you!!

P.P.S. Want to pee in your pants?! Strap on some depends and check out my new HILARIOUS book I Want My Epidural Back!! If you don’t believe me check out the reviews on Amazon. Except for that one a-hole who said I curse too much. I mean she’s right, but hey, sometimes mommies need to curse, ya know?

book_cover2




There are 23 comments for this article
  1. Donna at 10:51 am

    petition for a speed bump on your street….wouldn’t want to wreck his daddy’s car….

  2. Angela Pirrello Howard at 11:22 am

    As a high school teacher and mom of five adult children, I have had to deal with the teenage brain, and you are right. Their brains do not work like ours and how they will work when they get into their 20s. I talk to them about how their brains are working and they are really surprised. It does seem to help them put things in prospective. This doesnt mean that as a mom, I would not react the exact same way!

  3. Julie at 11:29 am

    Amen! I think the same ahole blasts past my house. I’m tempted to call the police and offer my driveway as a parking spot while I hold the radar gun.

  4. Gabrielle M. at 12:39 pm

    I SO appreciate this. I have the same thing in our little neighborhood. Safe place, neighborhood watch, nice people, quiet, then some d-bag comes flying down the road like a bat out of hell! It is not okay and it is not safe. So many little ones playing around here. I am worried about the same thing. Funny, even when I WAS a teen, I didn’t do that sort of thing. Maybe that is the difference between boys and girls. I was always thinking ahead…thinking about stuff like, “You could hit a child.” Perhaps some are just more conscientious than others.

  5. sillylilies at 1:55 pm

    You took the words right out of my mouth. Just yesterday I gestured (rather rudely) to a teenage girl speeding through our neighbourhood in a giant suburban. She was oblivious to the children scattering out of the way. Unfortunately, I find this driving behaviour is not limited to teenage drivers. We have one particular middle aged man who thinks our street is his own personal race track, and a few other drivers who are notorious for using their cell phone or fiddling with their radios and not watching the road. It only takes a second to ruin someones life, including your own.

  6. Sherry Kraus at 2:34 pm

    I HAVE been the crazy lady who chased down the lead footed teenager before. Believe me, they suddenly lose their bravado when you are banging on their front door asking them how cool they will feel when they hurt or kill a child with their driving. I highly recommend it. 😉

  7. Christin at 2:36 pm

    I want Sherry Kraus to be my neighbor 😉

  8. Julianna at 3:21 pm

    YES!!!! You are spot on. Slow down for the love of baby Jesus!

  9. Debra Morgan at 3:21 pm

    With 8 apartments and 5 homes on my block alone (not to mention the trailer park on the next block), my block is kid central. Every so often we get some idiot with dreams of being a NASCAR driver who pretends this is Taladega! Sometimes we know who it is (the joys of living in a tiny town and them being stupid enough to own a car that sticks out) but unfortunately most of the time I barely have time to get to the window before he’s gone. My son’s 18 and helps look out for the younger ones when he’s outside. Sometimes, he knows who Mr. Lead Foot is too. When that happens, a call to the local cop shop keeps things quiet for a while. I can just imagine the load he dropped in his pants when the cops showed up at his house and his parents found out! One speeder made the mistake of stopping to argue with a neighbor who yelled at him to slow down. Bad move! My neighbor pulled him out of the car. While I was calling the cops, idiot-boy took a swing. Neighbor popped him once, just ONCE, and laid him out! LMAO Funniest thing I ever saw!

  10. Pingback: what she said! | lifted jeeps & lipgloss
  11. Jen at 4:34 pm

    LOL… I distinctly remember being 16 and borrowing my mom’s car to go hang out with friends, and driving back at midnight and seeing if I could get the car up to 60mph on my little residential street while it was dark and nobody could see my license plate. At the time I thought I was soooo cool. Now I’m 39, I have two kids, and I would be pissed if a teen drove 60mph down my residential street. There has been a ton of fascinating research done about the teenage brain (example: http://www.npr.org/2011/09/20/140637115/understanding-the-mysterious-teenage-brain) and how our brains don’t fully mature until we are in our 20s. It’s not that teens underestimate the risk, apparently, it’s that they overvalue the reward. I think we should take Donna’s excellent suggestion and petition to get speed bumps installed on our streets, because even a teen knows there’s no reward in speeding over one of those things.

    • Debra Morgan at 5:14 pm

      Actually, I know several kids, boys mainly, who will try to see how much air they can get over bumps. SCARY!!!

      • Jen at 10:43 pm

        🙁 I can only hope they wreck their cars doing that and then they won’t be able to do it anymore!

    • Debra Morgan at 11:07 pm

      Not too many years ago, a kid did just that when he took the bump at over 75mph and flew into a tree. The 2 girls in the car were killed. He survived and was charged criminally with their deaths. Sad way to learn a lesson.

  12. Jillian Collier at 6:51 pm

    My husband walked up to a kid as he got out of his car, and held our toddler in his face. He said in his most Marine voice, “If you harm her or any other kid around here because of your shItty driving, I will get every dad around here and we will follow you everywhere you go. One by one we will have justice. Your choice kid.”
    Me, I threw a baby doll at his windshield. I think my way worked.

  13. stomperdad at 8:37 pm

    Stunting is a serious offence here. Driving wrecklessly or too far over the speed limit and you’re out a licence for a year or more. Hope he either quits or gets caught before something serious happens.

  14. Lori F at 8:14 pm

    I walk almost right in front of them. Scares the sh$t out of them. I know it’s dangerous but the kids need to be safe.

  15. Michael I. at 4:29 am

    I wish people would just mind their own business and would quit trying to police other people! If you like law enforcement so much, then become a cop.

    • Debra Morgan at 6:26 am

      It’s not that we’re trying to “police”other people. We’re trying to keep our kids from possibly being hurt or even killed just because some jerkwad is speeding through! The last week of school we had a 7-year-old girl get hit by a car on her way to the bus stop in the morning. The 19-year-old driver that hit her wasn’t paying attention and was speeding. The girl survived but she’s still in the hospital a month later. This little girl is the reason why we get so pissed off about this topic. She wasn’t doing anything wrong. She wasn’t even in the street. She was on the shoulder of the road with the rest of the kids. She was just the only one who couldn’t get our of the way in time. The irony is that her family moved here to a more rural area from SoCal because it was safer for the kids.

  16. Heather at 7:25 am

    I don’t know what it is like in the US but up in Canada any dangerous driving can be reported to the police. Sometimes the police will go and have a chat with that person or that persons parents’ .

  17. Beth Moore at 10:02 am

    The same teenage boy drives down our road here in Michigan too. The little a-hole gets around! I am buying a steel bat – getting tired of just shaking my fists – it’s not working. True story, about 10 years ago, a teenage boy went speeding by my house and crashed into a tree at the end of road (tragically, he lost his life – thankfully he didn’t take anyone out on his way)… You would think other teens would have learned (the memorial is still at the tree)… but nope, other teenagers think they can’t die… ugh.