Rules I HOPE my son will follow when he starts dating

Okay little buddy. You know how you’re always saying you want to marry me? Well, if anything ever happens to your Daddy, I’m all about it. But let’s just say things go according to plan and your Daddy and I both grow old together until he has one of those saggy old men butts and my boobs rest on my feet when we walk slowly down the sidewalk together hand-in-hand, like those cute old couples I always admire.

That means you’re gonna need to meet someone besides me. Which means you’re gonna have to date a bunch of women (or guys if that’s what you’re into) to find the right person. And I know you don’t have to listen to me, but I’ve been around the block a few thousand times, so here’s a little advice for when you start dating:

1. Act like a gentleman. Let her order first. Be on time. Say excuse me when you burp. Etc etc etc. In other words, act the complete opposite of how you act at home.

2. Before you do anything, think of your sister. Ewww, not like that. I mean always ask yourself, “Is this how you would want a guy to treat your sister?”

3. Find a girl who will let you be yourself and doesn’t want to change you. Unless she wants to change how you dress, in which case you might want to listen. Sometimes girls just know better.

4. It’s not the size of her boobs that matters. It’s the size of her brain and her heart. Because when you’re in this for the long haul, those are the things that are gonna last.

5. If you ask a girl to the prom and she says no, fuck her. She’s not good enough for you. But if you ask a girl to sleep with you and she says no, DO NOT FUCK HER. No means no.

6. And sometimes yes means no, too. If a girl says yes but she’s totally wasted, that means no. If she’s too drunk to drive a car, then she’s too drunk to drive your joystick.

7. If she’s on birth control, awesome! You don’t want a baby. But here are three other things you don’t want: AIDS, Gonorrhea and Chlamydia. Her birth control might be great, but yours is better. Put one on.

8. Do not kiss and tell. Or feel her up and tell. Or do anything sexual and tell. Because here’s the thing about locker room talk. It never stays in the locker room.

9. If you’re dating someone and you want to mess around with someone else, that’s cool. As long as you break up with the person you’re dating first.

10. If you want to break up with a girl, as Nike says, just do it. Do not avoid it by being an a-hole until she breaks up with you. And please, do it to her face in a kind way. Not in a text message. The goal of breaking up with someone is to break the relationship, not the person.

11. If a girl breaks your heart, it’s going to feel like the world is ending. But there are three things that can help. Ice cream, time and your mom. At least give me the chance to try.

12. Try to learn something from every relationship. That way dating a lot wrong people will help you find the right person.

13. If you find out a girl is crazy, be direct, be kind, be afraid. Crazy girls are like haunted houses in horror movies. Do not go into the basement. Do not go upstairs. Get the F out as fast as you can.

14. In the end, you are totally allowed to leave me for another woman. On one condition. You are absolutely sure she’s the right woman.

If you liked this, please don’t forget to LIKE and SHARE it. Thank you!!!

And I have a new book out!!!! It’s called I Want My Epidural Back and it’s getting awesome reviews on Amazon, except that one shartface who thinks I curse too much.

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There are 12 comments for this article
  1. Julie at 10:23 am

    You nailed it! I just hope my son won’t be out there trying to nail every girl he sees! He had his first major crush last year in Kindergarten, and is still mad for her going into first grade – so I’m going to take that as a hopeful sign that he’s not terribly fickle! 😀

  2. Kim at 10:27 am

    Best line ever…..”If you find out a girl is crazy, be direct, be kind, be afraid. Crazy girls are like haunted houses in horror movies. Do not go into the basement. Do not go upstairs. Get the F out as fast as you can.”

  3. Donna at 1:33 pm

    loved this….i’m actually going to pass this on to my 26 year old son….still a few things he could learn from this….

  4. Mary Schneider at 1:38 pm

    As the mom of one who’s at that stage (16 is hell… it’s worse when they’re in love.) WELL SAID, Mama.

    I’m trying hard to see this as a good thing, but ye gods, teenagers should not be allowed to date. Seriously. It’s a hormonal drama fest. It’s like living in a soap opera. Some days I’m afraid she’ll be my future daughter in law, other days I’m afraid he’ll do something dumb and screw this up… They’ve been friends since they were in 4th grade, and he’s crushed on her since the day he met her, so who knows?

    All we can do is teach them right and be here to catch them when they fall and break their hearts, and pray they find happiness.

    Good luck, Mamas! We’re all gonna need it.

  5. Laura at 6:58 pm

    Is there really such a thing as swearing too much? Maybe in the movie Scarface, but not you! Besides, swearing lowers your blood pressure.

  6. Jennifer at 7:14 pm

    Awesome list! Just sent this to my 21 yo as a little reminder!!!

  7. Kathy Samson at 5:12 am

    I had to share this with my 19 year old son. I would be happy if he listens to this!

  8. Jackie Benson at 5:47 pm

    Great advice! I read these to my son (who is three) and he totally agrees with everything you wrote. I can tell because as I was reading these he was playing with Mr. Potato head and he added a purse and long hair to the mustache face so clearly he’s open to all types of lifestyles.

  9. Ronay at 3:13 pm

    I feel the need to print this and read it to my tow boys when they are old enough. right now they are 5 and 3 so there are only some I can instill now. love this list!