Yo People magazine, wanna see what REAL people eat in a day?

So back in the day before I had kids, I used to read semi-intellectual stuff. The New York Times, JD Salinger books, other things that I can’t remember because my brain is fried. But nowadays, I read fun shit. Like People magazine.

Yup, pretty much every day I get a good case of the FIBS (Fake Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and I make the hubby watch the douchenuggets while I lock myself in the bathroom and fake poop for as long as I can while I dive into an outdated copy of People Magazine. It’s like total brain candy reading about the stars who look younger than me, dress cooler than me, and who have wayyyy more money than me.

And near the end of every issue, this is what I see. A page dedicated to one celebrity’s daily diet. I don’t mean like they’re on a diet. Apparently this is what they eat every day like normally. And I’m like WHAT??!!! Grilled salmon on a bed of chia seeds with dehydrated kale chips that are sprinkled in protein powder, followed by 94 ounces of water to flush out the toxins?

And then at the end of it, some food guru bashes the celebrity for eating a bite of sugar-free dark chocolate after dinner. “You really would be better off replacing that bite of chocolate with a floret of organic broccoli.”

So anyways, I’m sick of it. Yo People, wanna see what reality looks like? Apparently you don’t because you haven’t called me yet, but here you go.

PeopleWhatIEat

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And check out my book I Want My Epidural Back!! It’s getting awesome reviews on Amazon, except that one shartface who thinks I curse too much. Bwhahahahaha!

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There are 18 comments for this article
  1. Justine at 9:52 am

    I read YA novels now. Vampires are more relatable when you have kids.

    • silentwolf13 at 3:50 pm

      LOL I do the same thing only I like the YA dystopian future novels. These are also quite relateable when you have kids. After all, they deal with destruction of society!

  2. Tanya at 10:31 am

    I read that review on Amazon. Then I looked at that lady’s other reviews. She also reviewed Trump socks (yes, socks with Donald Trump’s photo on them), as “adoreable” (spelling error included). And said she hopes he wins because “we’ve always had men presidents”. So, there ya go…

  3. Jackie at 11:08 am

    Yes! That’s pretty much a replica of my daily diet except for the days on which all I manage to eat are three red vines and a Cold cup of coffee. Those celebs must be hangry 24/7.

  4. Christin at 11:46 am

    oh, how I do love reading your blog. love love love love. Thank you for this. Once again, you’ve completely make my day.

  5. silentwolf13 at 3:44 pm

    My son is 18 (still in high school and living at home) and I STILL eat like this! Between the lack of time and the fact that he’s on a see-food diet, I have to take what I can get!

  6. Laura at 6:39 pm

    This hits hilariously close to (my) home!!

  7. laurieprim at 8:36 pm

    I don’t even eat like this and it’s still hysterical and perfect! People, GET REAL!

  8. Emily W at 9:45 am

    I had the EXACT same thought reading a People magazine earlier. When did they start doing this? They bashed a teeny tiny model’s diet. I wouldn’t survive for two minutes on what she was eating.

  9. Lisa Kreft at 2:10 pm

    I’m just catching up on your blog. And this is pure GOLD! I always complain to my husband about how that page in People just can’t be possibly true! No one can eat that way every. single. day! Basically I read that page with a big fat eye roll.