Kids who do chores are less likely to grow up to be a-holes

So here’s the thing. Cinderella turned out to be awesome and her stepsisters grew up to be a-holes. Wanna know why? Chores. Yup, after Cinderella’s mom died and Muffy McGolddigger put the moves on her daddy, poor little Cindy was forced to do everything around the house. The dishes, the floors, the windows, etc etc etc.

And I know her stepmom was a total bitchmonkey and wasn’t trying to mold her into good human being on purpose, but that is exactly what happened. Because kids who have to do chores and help around the house develop a little sumpin’ called a work ethic. I mean just the other day I read this article and the freshman dean of Stanford was going on and on about how the one thing we can do to help our children is give them chores. I was like YES.

But honestly, my kids are 5 and 7 and WTF can they really do? A. They’re still little and make more of a mess than clean up, and B. If I do it myself, I can just do it wayyyy faster and wayyy better. So up until recently, I haven’t made them do much. Until a couple of weeks ago.

It all started when Holden and I went to heaven, uhhhh, I mean Target, and he saw this shark box and he HAD to have it.

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And I was like sure, you can have it, IF you earn it. It’s what I always say. It’s my feeble attempt to spend less at Target (we only spent $1283182398149745 that day).

And usually the kids get home and they forget about whatever piece of crap they wanted, but this time something different happened. Target only had one shark box left and Holden was dyyying for it (aka prepared to throw a massive tantrum if I left it there), so I went ahead and bought it and told him he couldn’t have it until he earned it. And every day he asked to see it, and every day I would show it to him but he wasn’t allowed to touch it, so he kept REALLY wanting it. There was something about the prize sitting right where he could see it that really motivated him.

So I got all Pinteresty and broke out my glitter pens and cray-pahs (spelling??) and made him a fancy-delancy chore chart. Bwhahahaha, just kidding. See? It took me at least fourteen seconds to make.

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And I taped that bad boy up in the kitchen. Of course the second Zoey saw it she was like “Wahhhhh, it’s not fair that Holden has a chore chart and I didn’t get one!!” Suckahhhh. So I made her one too.

THEM: Can I do a chore? Can I do a chore? Can I do a chore?!!!!

I shit you not, they were literally begging me to do chores.

ME: Hmmm, lemme try to think of something you can do.

HOLDEN: Can I dust?

I have three words for you, kiddo. F that shit. Because dusting is a great chore… WHEN YOU ARE THREE. Now that you are five, skipping around with a dirty feather thingie rubbing it all over the countertops while I shout, “DON’T PUT THAT DISGUSTING THING ON THE COUNTERTOPS” is not a chore.

So for the past couple of weeks I’ve been figuring out some REAL chores that young kids can do. They’re still getting the hang of it.

ME: Put on your shoes!!

THEM : Does that count as a chore?

ME: Brush your teeth.

THEM: Is that a chore?

THEM: Is making my bed a chore?

THEM: Is going potty a chore?

THEM: Is getting dressed by myself a chore?

ME: Grrr, no, those are just things you have to do.

But I’ll be damned, I’ve actually figured a bunch of chores they can do without a ton of help from me. And it has been LIFE-CHANGING. So here goes. Eight chores your kids can do while you sit back, relax, and act like royalty:

1. Putting away their own clean clothes

Want to see a miracle? This is not airbrushed. I can actually see the bottom.

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And not just because some little a-hole dumped it out somewhere. It takes them like a million hours to put all the stuff away, but who cares because A. I don’t have to do it, and B. They’re out of my hair for a million hours. Bazzzaam!! Sticker.

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2. Emptying the dishwasher

I took this picture from my seat at the kitchen table. In case you’re wondering that whole sentence is not a typo.

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3. Making breakfast for themselves

I have no F’ing idea what they eat, but they are fed and I have time to shower (total lie. I just sleep longer).

4. Setting the dinner table

The forks are next to the knives, the napkins are unfolded like placemats, and I’m eating with a ladle. Ask me if I give a shit.

5. Doing their own laundry 

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Notice, I said THEIRS. Not MINE. Hell if I want all of my clothes shrunken to Barbie doll size and dyed pink. But if his clothes turn out pink, oh well, he’s just making a statement against gender stereotyping. Win win.

6. Clearing the table after dinner

Holy crap, they’re standing and I’m sitting. Did I just eat ‘shrooms for dinner because I think I must be hallucinating?

7. Cleaning out the toy bin

You can do it yourself until the kids bust you and you get ripped a new one for trying to give away their very favorite toy in the whole wide world even though they haven’t played with it in six years. Or you can tell them to go pick out ten toys to donate. And they have to be substantial toys, ie. shit like Barbie shoes do not count.

8. Cleaning the floor of the minivan

I didn’t even know it had a floor!!!!

All this while I sit back and do nothing. Well, not really. I have to supply the sticker charts and the prizes, but it is totally worth it. My son will go to college knowing how to do the laundry. My daughter will carry the dishes to the sink when she goes to a friend’s house. And neither of them will be called lazy like so many young adults I hear about these days. Or maybe it’ll just wear them out so much that they hate chores and become the laziest sloths on earth. But even if that happens, at least I can spend a few years sitting back watching someone else empty the laundry basket. Hells yeah.

If you liked this, please don’t forget to like and share it! Thank you!!

And don’t forget to check out my books I Heart My Little A-Holes and  I Want My Epidural Back! My mom isn’t the only one who thinks they’re hilarious. My dad does too.

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There are 14 comments for this article
  1. Shannon at 10:06 am

    My 2.5 year old already has a chore- he feeds the dog each morning and night. He loves it!

  2. Cindy at 10:50 am

    My kids are 14 and 7. The older one does her own laundry, and the dishes and takes out a recycling bin. My 7 yo feeds the animals, takes out a recycling bin, and vacuums. They are both responsible for keeping their bedrooms tidy and sometimes I just make them help me clean the house mwuhahaha. Also, my 7 yo has a grounding chore chart. Got it from pinterest. Each chore has a point value and he has to earn x amount of points to be ungrounded. It’s great.

  3. Laura Day at 10:51 am

    This is pretty much exactly what my kids do at home (8 and 9yrs old). Starting after Christmas they are going to share the responsibility of planning (and cooking – with help) dinner once a week. Making sure they have all the ingredients, timing etc.

    They also help change the oil in the car, raking the yard, dog duty/dootie etc. If you can operate an iPad, you can operate a washer and a dryer 🙂

    • Katherine Benfante at 11:56 am

      That’s freaking brilliant – “If you can operate an iPad, you can operate a washer and dryer”!!!! So true.

      Great article, and thanks for keeping it real. We parents need to raise our expectations of our little crumb crunchers…. I’m putting together a sticker chart right now for my 3yo and figuring out what she can do!! Thanks!

  4. Courtney at 11:05 am

    Hellz yeah! (Also blue painter tape on your kitchen floor…. are you imagining a remodel or did your kids divide the kitchen into his half and her half?)

  5. Maureen at 11:31 am

    My boys are 12, 10 and 8. The 10 year old broke his ipod over the summer (it was a gift 2 years ago so I can’t say he was totally irresponsible but still…). He wanted a new one of course, because vacation was coming and the drive without and ipod!! So we gave him extra chores. He called family members and family friends and earned the money. It took him 1.5 months to earn the money and when I took him to buy the replacement, he spoke with the salesman and wound up buying something else completely and is happier with that than the ipod. It was pretty awesome seeing him take control, ask questions and weigh his options in addition to learning how hard it is to earn the money for something like that.

    All 3 boys have regular chores they don’t get paid for. Clearing the table, clothes in the hamper, put their laundry away, help with yard cleanup/shovel snow, remove garbage from the van, make their own breakfast and lunches (What a great day that was!!!) help make dinner, etc.

    When they want to earn extra they can by getting additional chores. Wash the dishes, wash the windows, help clean the bathroom, do the laundry, fold the laundry, scrub the floors…

  6. Tiffany at 11:55 am

    There’s a great app you can download called “Chore monster”. In the app each kid gets a profile and you assign points to designated chores. There’s a prize section that you fill and assign an amount to. So say the shark box is worth 150 points, then he has to do enough chores to reach that goal to get that prize. And this is all moderated by the parent. You have to go in and approve the chore that the child has listed as complete. It was great incentive for my daughter when she was younger!!

  7. Lisa Montague at 12:08 pm

    I love a GREAT Babysideburns post! My nuggets are 2 and 4. BOTH of them clear the table of their own dishes, and put their clothes which dont go on hangers away. They dont even have to be told to do either anymore! BLISS.

  8. Toni Bailey at 3:27 pm

    Don’t firgit scooping th dog p**p! And get some Clorox wipes for him to wipe the pee around th toilet!

    Great article. It’s Good to have minions. You will Miss them someday…?

  9. Lori at 12:18 pm

    My youngest just started college…he was the only one out of the 4 roomies that knew how to wash his clothes, make his bed and clean a bathroom. We went shopping beforehand and HE picked out the cleaning supplies to take with him. He’s gonna make a girl very happy some day.