We really need to do something about this panhandler

 

Dear man who was just talking to me at the coffee shop,

Wow, I love when random people come up to me and just start talking about stuff. You learn so much about people that way. Just a few sentences later, I feel like I know exactly who you are. You just told me that the panhandler sitting outside is bad for business and making people uncomfortable. You said the manager should do something about it. Well, I totally agree. They absolutely need to do something. But I’m pretty sure my idea of “do something” is a little different than your idea of “do something.”

Your idea of “do something” involves kicking him off the bench. Telling him to go ask for money somewhere else. Making him leave so people like you can be less uncomfortable.

But my idea of “do something” is different. It includes asking him if he’s okay. Treating him like a human being who is desperate enough to beg strangers for help. Recognizing that he is more uncomfortable than any of us. Maybe even offering him a coffee or a bagel, or in the least, just a smile. Maybe the someone who should “do something” is you. Maybe you should stop for just a moment and try to imagine yourself in that panhandler’s shoes. And how awful it must be. And how people like you make it even more awful.

But nope, you’re not going to do that. You are going to continue sitting there at the table next to me complaining about it to your wife over your hot coffee and fresh pastry. You’re telling her the same thing you just told me. Well, guess what? You’re sitting with your back to the café and can’t see what I’m watching right now.

The Starbucks barista just walked outside and said something to the panhandler, and then she came back in. She walked right behind the counter and put something into a bag. I was so happy for a moment. I knew she was going to bring it to him, and I knew she was going to prove you wrong.

Silly me.

She never walked back outside. I just looked and the panhandler is gone, and I know what really happened. The barista did exactly what you wanted her to do. She told the panhandler “to get lost.” Maybe not in so many words, but in a nut shell. Well, I have news for both of you. He is lost. Already. And the same way he makes you uncomfortable, you make me uncomfortable. I’m very tempted to ask you to leave.

Sincerely,

The woman who will “do something” faster next time and buy him a bagel and a coffee before he gets kicked out

P.S. If you liked this, please don’t forget to like and share it. Thank you!!


If you want to read something a little more lighthearted that I wrote, check out my books I Heart My Little A-Holes and I Want My Epidural Back! They’ll have you laughing so hard you might pee a little. Sorry.

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There are 19 comments for this article
  1. Maureen Refior at 6:24 pm

    If you had any idea how much I love you, you would probably think I was a creepy stalker. That’s okay. Because posts like this are the reason I stalk you in the first place.

  2. Olya at 6:26 pm

    Excellent! I’ve done that many times, but many more times (like 9 times out of 10) I’ve been told by panhandlers, “I’d rather you give me money.” So I finally figured out where they were coming from.

    • Chris at 8:00 pm

      And that 1 out of 10 you cared for blessed your heart….so keep up that wonderful giving. That one out of ten, as do the other nine out of ten deserve and are blessed by your giving.

    • Dana at 10:54 am

      There are often multiple reasons they say “I’d rather have the money”. They may be saving up for a motel room so they don’t have to sleep on the street. You may be trying to give them food they’re allergic to. (I don’t have a wheat allergy per se but I do react to it–it’s the primary cause of my migraines. That would be a nightmare if I were homeless too, so if Karen offered me a bagel I’d have to politely decline.) Can we all simply agree that just because someone is homeless does not make them also a child and that they know what they need better than you do? I find that most people who want to help the homeless are really doing it for themselves and their own selfish motivations rather than actually wanting to HELP the homeless per se.

    • Hannah at 6:16 pm

      To the lady above me, I understand your point. However, you are saying that rude behavior on the part of an adult is allowable while you would (hopefully) correct that in your own child. Saying it’s OK for them to refuse the kindness of any tyoe of a stranger would be like allowing our kids to refuse a birthday gift they just didn’t like. By saying it’s OK he ask for money would be like saying our child should ask their friend to return the gift for something else or just cash. If they are so desperate they should at least still have the manners to say thank you and take the gift. I am sure they could always give it to another person or privately throw it away. Kindness is just what it is. A gift. Take it with greatness. My husband once gave a man $40 when he asked. All his cash. The next block down a man asked for money saying he was starving. With no cash left he offered his leftovers with an apology. The man swore several awful words at him and walked away. Couldn’t have been to hungry. We seem to all no matter our rank feel entitled to the best or whatever we want. If it’s given in kindness it should just be received. Do what you need after but keep the circle going. Indifferent attitudes stem from a lack of gratitude between givers and receivers.

  3. Erica at 7:42 pm

    Thank you so much for this post! It was a reminder (and these days it seems like the world needs constant reminders) of how important compassion is. That panhandler is a fellow human being. Any one of us could be him under different circumstances. At a time when people think they are entitled to a big home, luxury cars, etc, we tend to forget that there are people who don’t know where their next meal is coming from. I intend on teaching my children generosity and compassion and the best way is through actions. Great post!!

  4. John at 9:09 pm

    This is a great post…but there are two sides…as always. While all certainly are not….many of the panhandlers that you reference are mentally ill. I’m an HR manager for a coffee company and one of my sweet employees was attacked and permanently disfigured by a homeless man in one of our stores. This man snapped and just like that…changed my employee’s life forever. The delicate balance of always treating people with kindness, while ensuring the safety of customers and employees can be a slippery slope.

    The gentleman (customer) in your story was clearly an a*s… but I just wanted to note that it’s not always about what is “good for business”.

  5. Stephanie at 10:49 pm

    We just got back from a vacation out to Las Vegas. My 9 year old boy wanted to give all his money to every pan handler we saw. I did allow him to give a couple of dollars to a very old gentleman who was standing at attention with an American Flag waving next to him. My son insisted. I know how the world works, and regardless, my son just knew he needed to do something. I don’t care if he went out and bought a bottle of whiskey at the end of his evening, my boy had love/respect in his heart for that man. That is priceless. God Bless those men and women who need an extra hand.

  6. Tessa Martin at 2:23 am

    This happened to me recently. A man was obviously in need of money, he was practically skin and bones, his suit being many sizes too big for him, he wanted something to eat or drink. Bearing in mind I’m wheelchair bound, so had no choice but to look at the way he was being treated, as The Hubster and 17 were in a coffee shop and I was outside with 13. He approached me, so apologetic as “I had problems of my own being in a wheelchair” without a thought I gave him some money. Not a lot but enough for him to get something to eat and drink. With tears in his eyes he thanked me and hugged me. Even more profound was the respect on 13’s face. She was in awe that I had given someone, so obviously in need money, even though I didn’t know him. The look of pride on my daughter’s face meant more to me than anything else. She couldn’t wait to tell her dad and sister when they came out. He may have used that money to get drugs or alcohol or he may have gone and got food and a drink. I don’t know. What I do know is how proud 13 &17 were that I had helped a fellow human being in his time of need. That was worth every penny I gave to him.

  7. Lisa at 7:24 am

    Thank you for bringing attention to this issue. You rock. What a lot of people don’t like to think or talk about is just how close to the edge a lot of people are. With a slower economy since 2008 and the rising cost of living, just a little bit of debt can send families reeling. There’s also just plain bad luck. Who knows, maybe that homeless person had a medical problem and no family to help and he lost everything and ended up on the street? Just last night a friend of my family told me she lost her daughter to a catastrophic illness. Her daughter and her husband were doing fine. Nice house, nice cars…then she got sick. They lost everything to pay for her medical care. Everything. Maybe that j**k at the coffee shop is one of the lucky ones who has a trust fund, but he would therefore just never get a clue.

    Check out this story:
    http://apnorc.org/news-media/Pages/News+Media/Poll-Two-thirds-of-US-would-struggle-to-cover-$1,000-crisis.aspx

  8. Michael at 9:26 am

    I’ve seen this many times. Thank-you for your post. Next time, I’m going to”Do something”about it.

  9. Jen at 9:36 am

    I have bought panhandlers food a time or two. Thank you for this post that reminds me I should do it more often. Even if they would rather have money (and what dirt-poor person doesn’t need money, duh), they probably need the food too, and that’s one less meal they have to buy. And the act of kindness is good in itself.

  10. Samantha R Keppallotti at 12:14 pm

    I “did something” at Walmart the other day. here’s part of the Facebook post:

    this mom and child (3-4ish years old) were smiling and playing while waiting in line a couple rows over from us (the kid was sitting nicely on her b**t in the back of the cart) until the girl broke a little toy she was playing with (I think it was her happy meal toy). the mom’s switch flipped and she grabbed the toy and yelled in the kid’s face for a second and yelled while walking away with the toy (that was keeping the kid entertained) and going who knows where with it (to get rid of it) for a minute or so. the girl made a surprised/disappointed cry for a second and then turned her attention to her happy meal bucket. she dropped a couple pieces of trash from the bucket out of the cart while mom was gone (grandma? was still with her). grandma (?) picked up the trash and put it back into the happy meal bucket (I think she said something quietly to the girl, like don’t throw stuff” or something) and the little girl didn’t do it again. then the mom comes back and grandma tells mom about the kid throwing stuff. the mom goes OFF on the little preschooler/toddler. gets in her face screaming so loud that the whole store could probably hear her (the whole front end at least). I wait a few minutes to see if maybe she’ll just scream a little and stop. no. she keeps going on and on. the girl is just sitting there taking it. she grabs the child roughly as she’s screaming but I can’t really see other than that because the lady has her back to me. several people are watching and making quiet comments to themselves/those with them.
    I snapped. I walked up to her calmly and said “excuse me” and when she turned around I got in her face and yelled “how do YOU like being screamed at”… so she turned her ire on me instead of the kid. she was yelling about don’t tell her how to discipline her child blah blah blah and came at me. I put my arms up to keep her away (elbows bent, forearms straight up) and she grabbed them and tried to push me while still screaming at me. I just stood there calmly and tried not to laugh at that point.
    when employees swarmed us she let go and I walked away. I heard her telling them “she touched me (I tapped her lightly to get her attention)”, “I don’t like when people scream in my face (um, DUH… kids hate it too)”, “my child isn’t even crying (no, but she looks scared of you… and my child is scared too, she was from the start of your tirade before I came over)”… and more “blah blah blah”. yeah, I cried a bit because I know how that baby feels… I’ve been through it and worse.
    they took us out separate exits and had my husband get the car because the mom said “if I see her in the parking lot, oh, its on” (um… really??? I proved my point when you said “I don’t like when people scream in my face”, even if you didn’t realize it. I’m done with you. I’m busy trying to calm the memories of my abusive childhood fighting to come to the surface and reassure MY almost 3 year old baby that she’s safe).

    • Samantha R Keppallotti at 12:21 pm

      where it says b**t it’s referring to the child’s bottom… I didn’t realize that but w/2 t’s was censored.

      also I forgot to mention that I’m 16 weeks pregnant.

  11. Christin at 11:09 am

    In Wisconsin, the age of the average homeless person is NINE. NINE YEARS OLD!!!!!!!!!!!!! What were YOU doing when YOU were nine? Think about that, people. If you’re fortunate enough to be able to afford a cup at Starbucks, you are drinking the equivalent of an entire meal elsewhere. Share your good fortune, for goodness sake. And show some sympathy and kindness. THAT costs nothing.