Dear hubby, as much as I lovvvvve you and really don’t want to change you at all, I would like to humbly BEG you to change a few of your pooping habits. Here goes.
1. If you poop, flush twice. Don’t think twice, FLUSH twice. Because your poops, my dear, are man poops, and you should be proud that your poops are so manly that they need to be flushed two times. Own that MAN poop.
2. If a little of your poo sticks to the bowl, please take care of it. I know you think your poo spots “magically” disappear after a few flushes, but the only reason they go away is because yours F’ing truly wads up an entire roll of toilet paper and squeamishly wipes them off the side of the bowl. And then I scrub my hands so much with soap you can literally see my bones.
3. If you start pulling the toilet paper and suddenly you see a little brown tube appear, do not panic. Step one, remove the brown tube. Step two, put a new roll on (Not on top, ONNNNN). Step three, get a blow-job. A slight exaggeration, but seriously a man who changes the toilet paper tube is like total mom porn.
4. If you see part of the brown tube but there are still one or two sheets attached to it, go ahead and put a new roll there. Because if I only have one or two squares to wipe, I’m basically wiping with my fingers. The fingers that cook your dinner.
5. I know you like our bathroom, but that is the keyword. OUR. And if I’m about to go in there to get ready in the morning or brush my teeth, please drop your kids off at a different pool.
6. Turn on the fan when you’re going. Yeah, I know it’ll still smell like a dead skunk decomposing in the back of a garbage truck at a morgue, but at least the explosions will be muffled and I won’t have to start humming loudly to tune that shit out.
7. If I call you and you’re on the pot, you have two choices. A. Let it go to voicemail and call me back later. Or B. Wait until we’re off the phone before you flush. I REALLLLLY don’t want to know you’re on the toilet. Because the last thing I need to decipher is whether that grunt means you’ll pick up the milk on your way home or whether you’re just trying to squeeze one out.
8. Please do NOT brag to me about how big your poop was. Remember, it is excrement that came out of your butt. If you want to brag, just flush it like four times when I’m in earshot. Then I’ll know it was BIG.
If you liked this, please don’t forget to like and share it… ESPECIALLY WITH YOUR HUSBAND!!!
And speaking of toilets, here are two awesome books to read while you’re sitting on one. I Heart My Little A-Holes and I Want My Epidural Back!! Perfect for when you’re taking the kind of poop that needs two flushes.