This is a post I started to write a few months ago, but never got the chance to finish. Who knows, maybe someone interrupted me or maybe I sneezed and wet my pants and had to go do another load of laundry. Anyways, I finally got a chance to come back and finish it, and this seems like the perfect week to share it. Thanksgiving week. It is a great reminder of all the things that were true earlier this year and still true right now. So here goes. The post I wrote a few months ago but finally finished today:
America F’ing rocks. Sure, I know there are serious problems here and not everything is all hunky dory by a long stretch, but there are like a thousand times a week that I’m telling my kids they’re lucky they live here. And here are ten of them.
1. If I want to marry someone I can. No matter their race, their gender, their religion, or their parents’ opinion. I think the only rule is that I can’t marry someone too young or too related. Just don’t tell my son because he swears we’re getting married.
2. I can pray in a church, a temple, a mosque, a tree house, a porta potty, McDonald’s, wherever I F’ing want to whomever I choose. Oh magnificent French fries, I bow down to Thee.
3. I can say F’ing. I can saying fucking. I can say goddamn fucking cuntwad of a dickturd twatwaffle (say that out loud three times quickly!!) Freedom of speech, babyyyyy. I mean yeah, I have to face the repercussions, but I can say it.
4. I can whip out my boob and breastfeed. People can be total a-holes about it, but they can’t stop me.
5. Women don’t get stoned to death in this country. Well, unless they smoke too much pot and get the munchies and go to 7/11 and devour one of those disgusting wrinkly hotdogs and die. Happens all the time.
6. I can vote. There are many cuntries (intentional misspelling) where the people don’t get a say in their government. They’re just like here’s your dicktater and you gotta do what he says even if he’s a psycho crazy person. I might not always like the outcome here, but at least I have a voice.
7. No one can make me have a baby. Well, my mom and mother-in-law kinda did, but that was more bribery than force.
8. I can rest assured that I am protected by the best military on earth. That selflessly takes care of everyone here even when the favor isn’t always repaid the way it should be.
9. There aren’t bombs being dropped outside my front door. If my kid wakes up in the middle of the night, it’s because he had a nightmare, not because he’s living in the middle of one.
10. I live in a melting pot of awesomeness. How amazing is it that we live in a country that people all over the world want to move to? Where people can speak different languages, practice different customs, look different and still all be American. To quote one of my favorite children’s books “How can we be so different and feel so much alike? And how can we feel so different and be so much alike?”
May you have a wonderful, happy, delicious, thankful, peaceful, loving Thanksgiving!!
If you liked this, please don’t forget to like and share it. Thank you!!!!
Have you gotten your holiday presents yet?!! Give your loved ones the gift of laughter this season. I Heart My Little A-Holes and I Want My Epidural Back!! They’re perfect for Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanza or Festivus, or whatever your family celebrates!!