The day I accidentally murdered someone

F me. Yes, I know those probably aren’t the classiest words to start a post with, but I really can’t think of two better words to describe the shitstorm that I brought upon my house this weekend. Are you ready for this tragedy?

So on Saturday night we went out with friends to a Mexican joint, and I don’t know about you, but when I go to a Mexican joint, I drink. A lot. The menu said peach mango strawberry margarita, and I was like, yummmmmmmmmm, I’ll have THAT.

WAITRESS: Which one?

ME: The peach mango strawberry margarita.

WAITRESS: Which one?

Uhhhhh, WTF? There are no commas between those flavors.

ME: Oh, is that not one margarita?

WAITRESS: You want them all mixed together?

ME: F yeah.

FYI, I did not actually say the words F yeah. What I actually said was, “Gffh bleeah,” because I had just shoveled a handful of homemade tortilla chips that are clearly made with crack into my piehole.

And then the waitress came back with my huge-ass triple fruity margarita and I sucked that bad boy down. And then after that, I had a mojito. And then we went to a bar where I drank beer and won at darts. That is not relevant to this story, but I’m just bragging.

Anyways, to make a long story short, before we went to bed that night I forgot to move our GD elf on the shelf. Yup, the next morning he was still sitting at the bottom of the stairs exactly where he was all day. So when Holden ran into our room begging to go search for Christmas Light (the name for our elf), I was like awwwww shit. I quickly convinced him to stay in our room for a few minutes while I raced downstairs to move him.

Shit shit shit, where can I put him quickly before Holden catches me moving him? Agggghhh, why does he have to be so floppy? Why can’t he have Velcro hands so I can clip him somewhere? Oh I know, I’ll put him in the oven and make him peeking out and I’ll put the oven light on.

(3 minutes later)

HOLDEN: I found him!!! I found him!!!

And that’s where he sat, peering out at us through that little window all day long. Until…

(9 hours later)

HUBBY: Want to go out for dinner?

ME: (with an eye roll because WTF? Does he think we’re made of money??) No, I have chicken and broccoli to cook.

So I turned on the oven to preheat it. Our kids had some friends over and their dad had arrived to pick them up but he was sitting at our table drinking a beer because the kids didn’t want to leave yet.

BEER MOOCHING FRIEND: Karen, there’s a fire in your oven.

Holy crap!!!! He’s right!! And that’s when I open the door to find this gruesome scene.

burningelf

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!! And the three adults sit there watching this poor little elfy burn because apparently none of us are very good at handling emergencies and we have no idea what to do.

And then suddenly the kids are running into the kitchen.

ME: STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN!!!!!!! GET OUT GET OUT!!!

The kids CANNOT see this. Seriously, they will be scarred for life if they see their beloved elf up in flames.

OBLIVIOUS CHILDREN: Why Mommy? What’s that smell?

ME: NOTHING! NOTHING!! IT’S NOT YOUR ELF BURNING. IT’S, UHHH, THE BROCCOLI. YEAH, YUP, THAT’S IT. I BURNED THE BROCCOLI.

And I slam the kitchen door in their faces and the adults watch the rest of Christmas Light go up in flames as we hear his little elf voice screaming…

ELF: Hellllppppppp meeeeee!!! It hurrrrtttts!!!

Then it’s over.

burntelf

And our friend uses the kitchen tongs to extract the crisp limbs and head from the bottom of the oven and we put his smoking leftovers on the back porch. Anyone know where I can get an itty-bitty urn??

And then twenty minutes later we’re packing up to go to Noodles and Company because I’ve decided not to cook in our oven that’s coated in the carcinogenic remains of a melted polyester and plastic elf, when Zoey comes in screaming.

ZOEY: Mommmmmm!!!! Christmas Light is missing!!!!!!

Awwww shit, she noticed the empty oven.

ME: Ummmm, he told me he had to go away for a few days.

ZOEY: What?

ME: He left me a note.

ZOEY: Where?

And I run as fast as possible upstairs and jot out a barely legible note.

ME: (out of breath) See?

pictapgo-image-5

I read it out loud.

And there it is. The broken-hearted look in her eyes. Shit.

So three hours later, as soon as the kids were nestled all snug in their beds, I’m jumping on Amazon to order a new elf, only the little F’er is out of stock and won’t arrive for at least six days and my note said three days, so now I have to order a more expensive version that comes with a stupid scarf and booties, and he should be here this afternoon. Let’s just pray they don’t notice that the elf’s face has been modified a little over the years and now he looks cuter. But it’s okay because I’ve already prepared my answer.

ME: Wow, I don’t know where Christmas Light went for three days, but I’m guessing a spa vacation. He looks so well-rested and revitalized!!

Alas, my heart is heavy today but my wallet is a little bit lighter.

elfrip

If you liked this, please don’t forget to like and share it. Thank you!!

And don’t forget to check out my Badass Gift Guide of Awesome Stuff People Will Actually Like and Use!!! You’ll finish all of your holiday shopping tonight!!

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50 responses to “The day I accidentally murdered someone

  1. Set an alarm on your phone!! I have an alarm that goes off every single night at 10 pm to remind me to move our elf. Works wonders!!

  2. that was hysterical! If you watch “The Middle” , this would be a great episode for them to reenact….loved it! Merry Christmas!

  3. LMAO – I literally just LMAO – that is THE funniest thing ever…I’m so sorry but that was hilarious…cause I could see myself in that circumstances…oh, I need to go wipe the tears off my face….

  4. OMG I set alarms on my phone for everything else. Why have I never thought of setting one for the effing elf??? Thank you Megan!

  5. This is why my daughter’s elf remains lost in the abyss that is the garage. I have no idea where that thing is and I don’t care to go looking for her.

  6. That was hilarious! We were too poor to afford an elf when I was a kid. All we could afford was a bowl of steam for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

  7. Keep blogging D**n It! You are getting better at this……not that you are not good at this now.

  8. I’m dying………………..OMG.

  9. LMFAO

  10. OMG, I know that the eff’n elf is a pain. Hope you can clean the guts out of the oven!!! One more thing to make parents go crazy on having to keep moving an elf. And when did this craziness start anyway and had to be by some toymaker to generate income . I have one and he is staying hidden.

    • I’m guessing it was a grandparent. I know in many, many years of I’m lucky enough to get grandchildren I am sooooooo buying this for them, along with all the noisiest toys I can find! Bwahhhhh

  11. LMAO, you are too much!!!!   Hope you had a mini funeral for him 😛

  12. I have a daily alarm set on my phone that reminds us to move him. Also, there are instruction on Pinterest to “hack” your elf, add wire to his arms & legs and Velcro to his hands to make him more posable.

  13. LMAO!!!! This s**t is exactly why I don’t do the elf on a shelf. Sorry about your oven. I hope you and the kids have a huge laugh about this one day when they are older.

  14. I love this a little too much! 🙂 Never did the elf on a shelf thing, and so glad I did not!

  15. I just want to say thank you, for two things:

    A) Making me feel like a normal human being, because this is exactly something I would do and it makes me feel so much better to know there are others out there just like myself.

    B) Giving me a great laugh – I caught a portion of it live on Facebook. LOL.

    Thanks again!!!

  16. Even though you might be feeling crappy about the Elf incident, you should really be feeling pretty awesome. As mom, you know how to respond quickly in a moment of crisis so that you can protect the kiddos. This is the equivalent of buying a kid a new goldfish before he knows the original one died. It happened because you were in the process of preparing a healthy meal for your kids. So in my eyes, you are still a rockstar mama.

  17. Ok, first of all, hilarious! Also, the T
    arget by my house has GOBS of them, if you need one sooner.

  18. I am soooo glad 17&13 are to old for the Elf on a shelf crap. It’s hectic enough over Christmas (13 STILL hasn’t decided what she wants for Christmas….no pressure) why would anyone add more? I can’t remember to do advent calendars so an elf would have no chance, he’d spend the entire time On a shelf or the one time I’d move him I’d forget where I put the d**n thing or the dog would get and dismember it, either way the elf wouldn’t make it back to Father Christmas to tell any tales on us. 🙂

  19. Chris @ Dadding Value

    RIP, Christmas Light. I’ll pour out a little liquor for you tonight.
    Thank you for the laughs!

  20. Sniffs around, ‘whats that smell?”

  21. Hysterical! I literally busted out laughing

  22. OMG I’m DYING!!!!!

  23. That elf is a narc anyway.

  24. Lesson: If your husband asks if you want to go out to dinner, ALWAYS SAY YES.

  25. I just laughed so hard that I peed myself! Awesome….more laundry to do.

  26. I’ve loved your stuff you make us chuckle here down under.

  27. HILARIOUS.

  28. OMG! LMAO! I had to replace our elf one year because the dog got her and torn her apart. My daughter was so upset. She went to the North Pole hospital and got all fixed up. She did come back looking slightly different though since they don’t look the same as the originals now.

  29. My daughter wants me to send your kids flowers. Obviously I can’t do that lol so here, 💐💐💐 RIP christmas light

  30. awesome. I just posted my two creepy clowns wanting the damned elf to come out and play.

  31. OMG – that is fantastic! I’ve often wanted our elf to disappear forever, but I never considered cremation. LOL!! And you NEVER turn down an offer for dinner out! 🙂

  32. I feel your pain! We have the My Secret Angel along with our Elf on the Shelf. They were in the chandelier in our foyer. My girls turned on the light without me realizing it and all of a sudden we started smelling something. Our poor angels face was melted off and onto the chandelier light! I was looking all over for one that night. Finally found one on eBay. She went to go help the fire victims in Gatlinburg for a few days!

    /Users/courtney.young/Desktop/Angel.JPG

  33. BEST. STORY. EVER.
    I literally choked on my own spit because I was laughing so hard! “Heellpppp meeeee! It huurrttssss”
    Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

  34. I had a very similar experience when my mother decided a lamp was a good place until the light switch was turned on. Leg and arm burnt….needed surgery and lots of medical gauze and tape. Very disturbing!!

  35. I burnt the legs off of ours in the ceiling fan light. They have been reattached with barbie bandaids for years 🙂

  36. You are hilarious! You are my kind of person!

  37. Omg, I’m crying from laughing so hard.

  38. MakeItWithMissy

    This was great. So glad I’m not the only parent who has forgotten to hide the elf.

  39. Lol, you seem like the kind of person I could be friends with!

  40. OMG too funny! A few years ago I couldn’t find ours so my ex got another one, and I notice the face had changed! I was like, why the hell would they do that!! The kids said he looked a little different but they weren’t too concerned and then I found the old one in my sock drawer. The next year the two Elves came together and the kids named the new one forgetting he was the replacement the year before! I haven’t roasted ours yet but they came close to the garbage disposal once lol!

  41. You shouldn’t be out stinking and driving in the first place. BASLased on the title, I thought this was going l to be about a human being murdered by a drunk driver.

  42. This was absolutely fabulous and so my life. Thanks for sharing. Can’t wait to check out more!

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