OMG, so last week I was scared. Shitless. My period was two days late. Not really but stupid February only has 28 days and it threw me all off. And for 48 hours I was convinced I was preggers. For the first 47 hours I panicked, but by the 48th hour I had convinced myself that having a third baby was going to be a wonderful miracle. I went to bed smiling and thinking about our new family, but alas, I woke up in the morning cramping and spotting… and screaming hallelujah from the rooftops.
ME: I’m not pregnant!! I’m not pregnant!!! Hallelujah, I’m not pregnant!!!
Needless to say, our neighbors were like WTF?
Anyways, as much as I think it would be fun to cuddle and cradle a sweet little cherub, deep down inside I am SOOOOOO thankful I am not starting back at the beginning. Because now that my rugrats are five and eight, here are ten things I will NEVER have to do again:
1. Wipe someone else’s ass. There’s only one more ass I will be wiping. My husband’s fifty years from now.
2. Open another baby gate. Or worse, break my vajayjay because I was lazy and tried to step over it.
3. Buckle someone into a car seat. Or break my thumbs trying to unbuckle them. Or violate their crotch when I’m trying to dig the seatbelt out from under their butt. Or get ripped a new one by all the Judy McJudgies because the chest clip is a millimeter too high.
4. Make an airplane noise to get someone to eat their veggies. Either you eat your veggies and get dessert. Or you don’t eat your veggies and there’s more dessert for me.
5. Pop my boob into someone’s mouth because they’re crying. If you want my boob in your mouth, you better show up with roses, Marvin Gaye and a bottle of vino.
6. Carry someone everywhere I go. Unless your legs are broken, you’re walking. And if you keep whining about it, I’m gonna break something other than your legs so you can still walk.
7. Peel someone off the floor. I am a mom, not a human spatula.
8. Take someone to the bathroom with me. Sorry, Ticketmaster will no longer be selling front row seats to the Mommy is Pooping Show.
9. Carry a diaper bag. Yeah my purse is just as big and I can’t find shit in it, but at least I won’t find SHIT in it.
10. Play Barbies, doctor, dollies, cars, house, princesses, superheroes, Paw Patrol, tea party, cops, robbers, dinosaurs, dragons, babies, choo choo, stuffed animal school or any other game that makes me pretend like I’m something I’m not. A whack job.
And THAT, my amigos, is why I’m happy I got my period this month.
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And here’s a bit of awesome news!! My first book is on Kindle right now for only $2!!!! No, that is not a typoe. I Heart My Little A-Holes will make you laugh your ass off.