Dear woman who’s deciding whether or not to breastfeed,
So here’s the thing. I don’t give a rat’s butt what you choose. It’s none of my business whether you decide to feed your little poop machine via silicone nipples or skin nipples. You’re gonna bond with your baby no matter what and they’re gonna be a-okay if you give them formula. But before you decide, there are actually a few other reasons to breastfeed you might not have thought of, reasons I liked doing it.
Let’s start with the most obvious one. It’s FREE. I mean call me a cheapskate, but I’m the woman who likes to brag when she gets something for half price at TJ Maxx. Check out my breastmilk. It was 100% off and I got it from God. Plus, I feel like starting your babies out on free beverages is a great way to teach them to appreciate the important things in life, like complimentary drinks and free samples at Costco.
And speaking of Costco, let’s talk about big packages. No, I did not say big boxes. That’s a whole ’nother section of the body we can discuss at a different time. But hot damn, did I have some awesome porno boobs while I was breastfeeding. Alas, I miss those giant melons, almost as much as my hubby does. And it was so convenient to always have milk in our house for coffee. Ewwww, just kidding. Seriously, I NEVER did that.
But I’ll tell you what I did do. I did calculate how many minutes I spent breastfeeding and anytime I ask my hubby to do something, I casually mention that number. Hey honey, remember that time I spent over 26,000 minutes breastfeeding our babies? That was fun. Do you mind cleaning the garage shelves today? (I shit you not, I did the math and that number is real and you get to use it for the rest of your life)
And here’s another something I did. Whenever some annoying relatives came over, breastfeeding was the perfect out. “Ohhh, I can’t believe you’re arriving right now. Bad timing. The baby is hungry so I have to go into a nice private room all by myself and take a really long time to feed her.” Never mind that I’d whip those milk puppies out in the middle of a Chili’s happy hour during a playoff game. But they didn’t have to know that.
And speaking of Chili’s, 99% of me hated breastfeeding my babies in a restaurant. Mostly because I always tried to eat at the same time and I’d end up dripping salsa on the baby’s head. But I’ll tell you what was kinda fun. When someone gave me a dirty look because I was breastfeeding in public, at which point I LOVED pointing my finger at them and laughing, “Ewwww, you’re eating in front of people just like my baby is. Yeah, jerkwad, it’s just a baby eating. Nothing gross to see here.” Hmmm, unless maybe they just looked grossed out because I was inhaling an Awesome Blossom in under ten seconds. But I was breastfeeding, so I was supposed to eat a shitload of extra calories. Just one more perk if you decide to become a human cow like I did.
So yeah, even though one of the most natural things in the world didn’t come naturally to me and it kind of sucked balls the first few weeks (at least), I’m glad I did it. It’s not for everyone and you totally don’t have to, but those are just a few reasons you might want to.
A mom who’s not gonna judge
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