Wait ’til you hear about how bad my night sucked

Okay, let’s play a game. It’s called “whose night sucked the most?” Like maybe your kid woke you up four times in the middle of the night, or maybe your rugrat had the stomach bug and splatter-painted your shins with vomit, or maybe your hubby came home drunk and decided to wake you out of a dead sleep to be “romantic.” Anyways, misery loves company and last night my night totally sucked so how about I tell you about mine and then you can tell me about yours and then we’ll see whose sucked the worst. So here goes.

Last night my hubby was going out so it was just me and the kids and since it’s spring break, I was like awesome, I’ll do something a little extra fun with them. Like take them somewhere fun for dinner or go to a movie or do game night, but nope, they had a different idea.

ZOEY: Can we play with our new drones?

HOLDEN: Yeahhhhh!

ZOEY: Dro-nes, dro-nes, dro-nes…

HOLDEN: DRO-NES, DRO-NES, DRO-NES!!!!

Their chanting was so annoying that I finally caved because agghhhh, just shut up already!!!!

Anyways, their grandpa sent them these stupid drones (uhhh, I mean super thoughtful gift) and I’d been avoiding them like the plague because I suck at technology but fine. I opened up the instructions that were miniscule and clearly written by someone who doesn’t speak English, not that theres anything wrong with not speaking English… UNLESS you happen to be writing instructions in ENGLISH. But I digress. Anyways, I was trying to make the night special so I sucked it up and got the drones ready. I even made sure to do them both at the same time so that one kid wasn’t shitting a brick because the other’s was ready first. That was my first mistake because apparently when you set them up at the same time, they both pair with the same controller. Zoey’s.

HOLDEN: Mine isn’t working!!

ZOEY: Mine is!! This is the most fun toy ever!!!! Wheeeeeee!!!

HOLDEN: WHY ISN’T MINE WORKING?!!!!!!

ZOEY: Heyyy, look, I’m controlling Holden’s too!! This is awesome!!!

HOLDEN: Zoey, that’s mine!! Stop playing with mine, STOP!!!!

Holden was freaking the F out and screaming until Zoey flew them both up so high they almost hit the power line so I started freaking out too…

ME: Don’t hit the power line!! Zoey, stop!!!! DON’T HIT IT!!!!!!

But she couldn’t figure out how to make them come down so they just kept going up and up and up until Holden’s flew over the fence into the neighbor’s yard and he was devastated and screaming that it was gone forever, which is so stupid because the neighbors are like our best friends and their fence is see-through so we could totally see the drone lying there in the grass.

So I made Zoey go get it and then I had to reset them both. And this time it worked. So well that Holden flew his drone at like 100 miles per hour straight into my face and the little propeller cut my chin and I started to cry. Literally. And Holden burst into tears because he hurt me. I shit you not. I have a drone injury on my face. See?

Yes, I know it looks itty bitty, but it was bleeding and it hurt like a bitch and if you don’t believe me, stand right there and I’ll fly a drone at your face so you can see. But I didn’t want to make Holden feel worse so I pulled my shit together and put on a brave face.

ME: Hey guys, why don’t we go back inside and you guys can go play while I make a special dinner and then we can watch a movie?!

ZOEY: What is the special dinner?!

ME: It’s a surprise!!

ZOEY: But WHAT is it?!

ME: I’m not going to tell you. I promise you’ll like it.

ZOEY: Tell us or we won’t go play.

ME: Fine. It’s called a pupu platter.

I wait for them to burst out laughing. Anything with the word poo in it makes them laugh.

HOLDEN: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I don’t want to eat poo!!!!

Nope, not exaggerating. He’s bawling his eyes out.

ME: It’s not poo, honey, it’s a pupu platter. You’ll like it. I swear.

HOLDEN: Noooooooooo, I don’t want to eat poo!!!! Wahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

WTF?

ME: Fine, I’ll make quesadillas.

So I calmed him down and as soon as they left the room I started making the quesadillas AND the pupu platter, which really wasn’t Asian at all and was just a hodgepodge of crap they like like chicken nuggets and pigs in blankets and other frozen stuff but I called it a pupu platter because what kindergarten boy doesn’t think poop is hilarious? Oh, apparently mine.

Five minutes later because everything was nukeable…

ME: KIDS, DINNER!!!!!

Zoey came sprinting into the room.

ME: Tadaaa, a pupu platter!!

ZOEY: This is awesome!

ME: Where’s your brother?

ZOEY: In the bathroom.

Annnnd isn’t that perfect? Holden was late for the pupu platter because he was pupu’ing. How appropriate (or inappropriate) is that?!!

And ten minutes later he was still pupu’ing so I went upstairs to check and make sure he didn’t fall in or something.

ME: Hey buddy, you okay?

I poked my head into the bathroom and then I saw it. Awesome. Someone had thrown fistfuls of the cat food into the cat’s water bowl so now all the pieces were bloated and huge and basically his bowl was like a big soggy brown mess. I accused Holden right away.

ME: Did you do that?

HOLDEN: What?

ME: THAT.

HOLDEN: (like he was seeing it for the first time) WHO did that?!

ME: That’s what I’m asking.

HOLDEN: Zoey did it.

Hmmmmm. Interesting. So I told him to tell the truth and he said he was even though he clearly wasn’t, but he sounded kinda convincing so I called Zoey up there…

ZOEY: (like she was seeing it for the first time) WHO did that?!

ME: Did you?

ZOEY: No!! Maybe the cat did it?

ME: Ummm nooo, the cat does not have opposable thumbs to pick stuff up. Well, I guess we’re not watching a movie tonight guys.

Both kids burst out crying.

ZOEY: That’s NOT fair!!!! I didn’t do anything!

HOLDEN: Neither did I!!!!

ME: One of you is lying and besides, I’m going to be too busy cleaning out the cat’s water bowl so NO MOVIE.

And I made sure to groan a lot as I bent down to pick the bowl up off the ground, but I had to move really slowly and carefully so I wouldn’t spill the disgusting bowl of bloated gross cat food, and I was successful… until I hit the bottom of the stairs. So you know when you think you’re at the bottom but you’re really not so you’re expecting the floor to be flat only there’s one more step?

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t know if I actually yelled it out or kept it in my head, but that disgusting wet cat food went everywhere. EVERYWHERE. In every single nook and cranny. Seriously, I had to sit there with Q-tips getting it out of one of our vents.

By the time bedtime rolled around, I’d had it. I was done. D-O-N-E.

ZOEY AND HOLDEN: Can we sleep in your bed?!!!

I didn’t even have to say no. They saw the look on my face and knew the answer.

ZOEY: Wait, Holden, wanna do a sleepover in your room?!!

HOLDEN: Yeah!!

Sighhhh, I couldn’t be mad at them anymore. And just like that, they started cuddling and made me forget how bad the night sucked. Kinda sorta.

Man, do I love these kids. Especially when they’re sleeping.

The end.

If you liked this and feel sorry for me, please don’t forget to like and share this and subscribe to this page. And feel free to tell me a story about a time your night sucked this bad. Thank you!!




There are 14 comments for this article
  1. NANCEE SCHAUB at 9:32 am

    Im laughing so hard. Sorry .Hilarious and so real .Many many nights like that around here. But they sure are adorable little angels, when they are sleeping!!

  2. vonkatza at 10:33 am

    LOL, it’s great. But you might owe them an apology. My Cat Samson fills his mouth with food and drops it into his water at least once a day. I’m sure if my girls were still home I would blame them, but I have seen him do it, and since they are not home blaming my hubby seems kinda silly.
    Love reading your adventures, keep it up 🙂

  3. SaraCVT at 10:57 am

    I just got a shirt I couldn’t resist that sums up my life: “My Mind Is Gone (And I’m Pretty Sure The Kids Took It)”. Does that answer your question?0

  4. Jacqueline D Burke at 12:57 pm

    Well, let’s see if I win the booby prize of total suckage. I’ve been unemployed since February 5th and have been denied unemployment benefits and food stamp assistance for the last 3 times I’ve applied. This most recent time due to needing to wait until a hearing is held next month to determine if I’ll be able to collect the $484/week in UE benefits and I also have to provide proof of disability in order to receive $192/mo in food stamp assistance. In between getting all of my doctors to provide the requested documentation; due NO LATER than 3/26/18 but was requested on 3/23/18. Until the hearing, I’m not going to get ANY UE income and since I’m only working as a PT waitress earning $2.13/hr plus tips, I HAVE NO income. I used up my last $14 for my antidepressant prescription, thankfully it’s a 90 day supply, I have less than 1/4 tank of gas in my vehicle, I’m fostering a dog that is eating me quite literally out of house and home. He’s bored and picks on my toy poodle & my dachshund to the point of actually picking fights, biting, and nipping them until they try to fight back, cry, or run to me for help. They’re constantly fussing and fighting amongst themselves & the foster dog is the main culprit for all of the stress that is being felt throughout the apartment.
    Aside from that nonsense, I’m behind on my car payment, my renters insurance, my car insurance, my cable, my phone, my electricity, my Pandora, my Hulu, my Netflix, and my Amazon payments. I have a $700 Cobra insurance payment due on 4/1/18, yet NO income whatsoever to pay for ANYTHING.
    After spending close to 6 hours on the phone with the TXH&HS and TX Workforce Commission, I ended up having a complete & total emotional meltdown on thee phone and ugly cried for close to an hour and only heard the customer service representative tell me that “She understood what I’m going through.” Talk about saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, I started to go off on her and then just pulled myself back and hung up on her. I continued to ugly cry while taking a hot shower & greet ready for my scheduled Group Therapy and psychologist’s appointment. I talked to my neighbor on the phone & had another meltdown, que MORE ugly crying, talked about my rotten day in group and more crying ensued, had a 2 hour session with my psychologist cried, cried, and settled down only to cry some more.
    A small plus is that I’ve been hired to work at a new job; however I won’t start working full time until April 9th sand won’t be eligible for ANY medical benefits until I’ve been there for 90 days and I’ll be earning about $10/hr less than what I had been at my other job.

    Also looks like I may need to go in for knee, shoulder, and wrist surgery yet I have NO idea or way to pay for ANYTHING.

    One tiny step forward and a million giant steps backwards.

    My days, weeks, and past few months have sucked big hairy donkey dongs and with my depression, anxiety, and PTSD I don’t see any way that s**t can improve.

  5. Lea-Anne C at 12:57 pm

    LOL! I feel for you! My night didn’t suck as much but it did kinda suck! You know it’s true when they say a silent toddler is suspicious! 🙄 well we took our littlest off to bed & decided to have an early night … (bad idea from the start) Olivia (the littlest) went to Britney’s bed (the eldest), who was asleep already & laid next to her drinking her bottle of water. We called her plenty of times & she didn’t budge, so we left her a bit cos it was sweet that she wanted to sleep next to her sister. I finally decided to call her again for bedtime & she say she was washing her hands – that made me jump up so fast! But I was too late she emptied the entire water bottle on her sister’s bed! So I had to wake Britney up & sort bedding etc etc so much for an early night!!!!

  6. Sam at 6:29 pm

    My son had been complaining of a sore tummy all afternoon, but still ate dinner. I suggested he go to the toilet, didn’t make it and proceeded to cover the entire wall and floor with sick in/out of the bathroom. Luckily no carpets were involved. I get him into the WC to finish. Clean up and shower. Then bedtime. All ok after a few small sips of water. He goes to sleep and I go to use the toilet, but go back to check on him and he’s been sick everywhere…he even stayed/went back to sleep?! Pretty scary I didn’t hear a thing, but on his tummy thankfully. Pick him up, put him in shower, change sheets, dress and give cuddles. Goes back to sleep and then an hour later I hear him coughing & know immediately round 3. It’s now about 1am. I had put a towel down and caught most of it from getting everywhere, and he sat up. Small miracles. Quick wipe, change pajamas and sheets covered in towels again. That was that thankfully! I was exhausted! 😅

  7. Jenny at 8:30 pm

    FYI: This involves the unexpected passing of a pet, and may be sad to some…

    My ridiculous episode with the kids was actually yesterday morning. Around 7:30 I was trying to figure out what snacks should round out the kids’ lunches for school. I had my eye on the clock, noting it was just about time to get this show on the road so I could be on time to work. TMy 7-year-old daughter was in the living room practicing her piano lesson and my 4-year-old son was in the family room playing. The little one calls out to me to inquire about our cat. He asks, “Why is Twister faking being dead?” I was confused, a little annoyed perhaps, because I was still mulling over the relative merits of applesauce cups and Goldfish crackers. I went to see what was the matter and was in the middle of stating that she (the cat) was NOT faking being dead when I walked in and upon closer inspection realized that, oh s***, she really wasn’t faking. I sent my son out of the room and called my husband who was already at work. He answered and I just blurted out, “I think the cat is dead”. He was confused and replied, “…you think?”. I hesitated for a moment and after mentally vacillating, settled on yes. Yes, she is definitely dead. Neither of us were quite sure what to do since all prior pet passing experiences have involved a trip to the vet where you arrive with a pet who is still alive. I finally took control of the situation and told him to call the vet while I went ahead and took the kids to school, because I had no idea what else to do with them while I handled a dead cat. I called them together in the living room and explained that Twister had died and if they wanted to say goodbye or pet her one last time they should do it now. They followed me into the family room where my daughter said, “No, her eyes are open.” I said they weren’t open and my four-year-old son countered with, “Yes they are, come on Mom, I’ll show you.” My daughter pointed to the cat again and announced she looked like a “scary Halloween cat” and that she wasn’t going to touch her. That’s when I fully appreciated that not only were her legs extended, but her back was arched and her tail was sticking straight up. She did indeed look like a Halloween cat. My son gave one quick pat and then everyone was ordered to put on their shoes and get in the car. I quickly dashed off an apology email to my daughter’s first grade teacher that basically said we just found a dead cat in front of the TV, I don’t know what else to do with my child so I’m sending her to school so I can take care of said cat, and sorry to dump this on you. When we got to pre-school my son strolled in and announced to the room at large that our cat had died before I had time to quietly signal to his teacher. With everything now out in the open, I filled in the remaining details for the pre-school teacher, apologized to her for whatever she might hear him say today and dashed back home. Shortly after I arrived, my husband came home from work. He had spoken to the vet and, after conferring, we decided that we’d take her to the vet to be cremated. After we said our goodbyes to Twister, he went to the basement and returned with an assortment of boxes. I said I didn’t think she’d fit in any of them based on the angle of her “scary Halloween cat” tail. We selected the largest box and he went to pick her up and put her in. He comment that it felt really weird because of how stiff she was at that point. Once in the box, I pointed out that her tail was sticking out in an odd way and expressed doubt that the box would close. He considered this for a moment, and then reaching out his hand said, “Hold on, I think there’s some play in her tail” and tucked it into the box. We took her to the vet and after scoping out the waiting room to make sure there were no children there who might be traumatized by the “sad people carrying a box” that some other mom would have to explain, we went in and were shown to a room. We filled out the appropriate paperwork and will expect to have her ashes back at some future date I didn’t catch. Then we went back home and I had to shampoo the rug where we found her because when you go, your body also “goes” and all “that” had to go, obviously. Now the 4-year-old wants to know when we will get another cat. We already HAVE another cat. The remaining one just isn’t as snuggly, so apparently she doesn’t count.

    I think we’ll file this under the “You can’t make this stuff up” heading cross-referenced with “Not in the Mommy Manual”.

    • Julie D at 11:54 am

      I’m waaaay behind on Baby Sideburns entries, so just catching up here. All my sympathy for your loss. We have two dearly loved kitties, still kicking. But our 16 yr old sweet yorkie went into seizures and died end of Jan., basically all in front of my 7 yr old, so I REALLY REALLY get how sucky this was for you. But, not gonna lie – I was cry-laughing at your story – great writing, and, ya gotta laugh, right? Hang in there momma. I hope your future pet adventures are happy ones.

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