Okay, who’s ready for a HIGH-larious story? A little gross but F’ing hilarious. Before I tell you, I want to loudly announce that this is NOT about me. Like this is NOT one of those stories you tell about yourself and then pretend it’s about a friend to protect yourself. Okay, so here we go.
Last night I went out with my friend for dinner and when the waiter came over to order our drinks, I ordered a wine and she said can I have a club soda?
So last year we had a conversation about holiday gifts, and I see where you’re coming from. I understand that you REALLY want to pick out your own present and surprise me. And while I love the spirit of that, we’ve tried it your way for the past decade, and welllll, we’re gonna do it a little different this year.
Because let’s reflect for a moment.
So this morning I pulled up to your school to drop you and your friend off and you did something. Something you’ve never done before. When I said, “Give me a kiss goodbye,” you giggled and said, “Mommmm, no.” It wasn’t in a mean way. I could tell you were just embarrassed in front of your friend. And you must have noticed the mega depressed look on my face because you gave me a little peck anyway.
But guess what? I get it. I was a kid once too, you know. Before things like cell phones and the Internet, when dinosaurs still stomped the earth, and I remember feeling that way.
Dear Me twenty years ago,
We need to have a conversation. And since I’m older and wiser than you, I’m gonna talk and you’re gonna listen. Capeesh? I’ve been around the block a few more times than you, so I’d like to give you a little advice. Okay, here goes:
1. Stop looking at your AWESOME body and seeing things that are wrong with it. That is not a muffin top, it’s called skin. And thighs that touch are normal. And your body isn’t flawed, it is gorgeous. And one day you’re gonna look at old pictures of yourself and wish you had that body again.
Dear Harvey Weinstein,
This is a letter to thank you. Yup, you probably didn’t think I was going to say that. These days I’ll bet most of the letters you’re getting are F.U. letters. But not me. I would like to say thank you.
All this time, we thought we were going to remember you for incredible movies like Pulp Fiction and Shakespeare in Love and The English Patient, but nope, we were wrong. Your legacy is going to be way more impactful than that. Because you are single-handedly changing the country in ways we only dreamed of.
Thanks to you, hundreds of thousands of young women will go to work tomorrow knowing that it is not okay for their bosses to rub their shoulders. Or to call a meeting in a hotel room. Or to undress her with his eyes. Or his hands. Or to pressure her to do anything that makes her feel uncomfortable.
Not again. NOT AGAIN. But yes, again. I turned on the TV this morning and there it was. And I quickly turned it off and snuck bits of it when the kids weren’t in the room. Because they do not need to know the kind of world they live in.
I am SO SICK of this feeling. I bring my kids to a movie theater and someone comes in with a backpack and I get a pit in my stomach. Or a guy walks into Starbucks and walks straight back to the bathroom and I watch. And wait. Ready to do what, I don’t know. Or I drop my kids off at school and I feel bad I yelled at them to get their shoes on this morning because what if something bad happens today.
This is the world we live in.
1. Trophies really meant something
Like I had to be in ballet for five years before I got a participation trophy. FIVE!!! And sports trophies came in different sizes so that the person who got first place got a bigger trophy than second and third. Duh, reality.
2. Birthday parties were low-key
1. Teach her how to look in the mirror and see a person, not a face.
2. Teach her that a little chocolate is okay. A little pizza is okay. And a little body fat is okay too.
3. Teach her that friends are like columns. You can lean on them all you want, but don’t step on them like horizontal rungs on a ladder.
4. Teach her how to hold her head up high and ask for more money. From her boss, not her husband.
So I was out to dinner the other night and there was this woman sitting a few tables away with her baby who was being a total douchenugget. I mean yeah, babies are often douchenuggets, but this one wouldn’t stop screaming and the mom was trying desperately to make her stop and you could tell she was frazzled and tired and at her wit’s end when suddenly she said…
WOMAN: Please just stop crying, Serenity.
1. Don’t tell me my kids are growing up so fast. No shit Sherlock. I’m like Zappos’s best customer on earth. And every time you tell me, it drives the stake into my heart a little more.
2. Don’t tell me I’m buckling my car seats wrong. If you don’t tell me how to buckle my car seats, I won’t tell you you’re an annoying shartrag.
3. Don’t tell me I should cherish every moment. Because when my douchenugget is screaming his head off and super-glueing himself to the floor in the cereal aisle because I won’t buy him Sugary Boogery O’s, the moment I cherish is when he goes to sleep later and I can sit on the couch and drink wine.