Do you have these cups? Everyone I know has these cups. They’re from IKEA which means they’re super cheap and awesome. Except for one thing. I can’t help from paying attention to which color I’m giving to the kids. I know, I know, I’m not supposed to teach them that color matters, and I’m just supposed to grab the two cups from the top of the pile and put them on the table without thinking about it. But I don’t.
Because do you know what happens when I put the pink cup down in front of my son? A shitstorm of monumental proportions. And I can try to reason with him and tell him color doesn’t matter, but by this point he’s wailing and past the point of no return and he’d rather die of thirst. So for the past year or so, if there’s a pink cup or a purple one on top of the pile, I’ve been intentionally pulling a different one from the middle. But I think I’m going to stop. And here’s why.
I know it just seems like a stupid Hallmark holiday. But it’s MY Hallmark holiday. 364 days of the year are devoted to YOU. All I’m asking for is one teeny tiny little day. I don’t need a lot. Just a card or a slice of toast in bed. Heck, I’ll even take a slice of untoasted bread or a dandelion you picked from the yard. Something. Anything. Pretty please don’t forget. Let this be your warning. Here are ten reasons you better acknowledge me on Mother’s Day:
1. Because you ripped me a new one. I don’t care where the baby comes out, there’s not a single orifice on the human body that can fit an 8-pound bowling ball through it. Well, maybe Judd Nelson’s nostrils.
We ran out of toilet paper. Yayyyyy! Time for a Target run!
It was starting to drizzle a little so thank God for Target’s complimentary valet parking. I got that new guy again, the one who looks like Channing Tatum. His chest was extra glisteny in the rain today and super tan. I guess running around topless in the reflective parking lot every day can do that. He winked at me and said he would vacuum out my car while I was inside shopping. I think it’s hilarious that I used to think parking next to the cart corral was rock star parking. Not.
So my son and I headed inside and straight to the daycare. One of the British nannies came over immediately and took Holden inside and handed me a claim check ticket to pick him up later.
We are rich. With happiness. No, I know that’s not what you meant when you looked at the new house two doors down from us and said you wish we had THAT house. Duh, I mean look at it. It’s like three or four stories with a three-car garage, practically has turrets, and it’s MASSIVE. Its bonus rooms have bonus rooms.
I see a house like that and I get heart palpitations thinking about what the utility bills must be, but I know people who build houses like that don’t have to worry about utility bills. And if they do they can just sell their Tesla or their Louis Vuitton luggage or rent out a room in the East wing.
Dear woman who’s deciding whether or not to breastfeed,
So here’s the thing. I don’t give a rat’s butt what you choose. It’s none of my business whether you decide to feed your little poop machine via silicone nipples or skin nipples. You’re gonna bond with your baby no matter what and they’re gonna be a-okay if you give them formula. But before you decide, there are actually a few other reasons to breastfeed you might not have thought of, reasons I liked doing it.
Let’s start with the most obvious one. It’s FREE. I mean call me a cheapskate, but I’m the woman who likes to brag when she gets something for half price at TJ Maxx. Check out my breastmilk. It was 100% off and I got it from God. Plus, I feel like starting your babies out on free beverages is a great way to teach them to appreciate the important things in life, like complimentary drinks and free samples at Costco.
There it is. Sitting there. That blank line. With two of the most annoying words in the history of popularity. Friendship request. Yup, I was filling out the camp forms last night and there was that line staring up at me. And it says it has to be reciprocal. Oh shit, I better make that totally uncomfortable phone call to Betty McBoopypants and ask her if our kids can request each other. I feel like I’m in the 9th grade again asking a boy to go with me to Homecoming.
ME: Hi Betty, so I have a question. Do you maybe want to write down our girls for the camp friendship request?
OMG, so last week I was scared. Shitless. My period was two days late. Not really but stupid February only has 28 days and it threw me all off. And for 48 hours I was convinced I was preggers. For the first 47 hours I panicked, but by the 48th hour I had convinced myself that having a third baby was going to be a wonderful miracle. I went to bed smiling and thinking about our new family, but alas, I woke up in the morning cramping and spotting… and screaming hallelujah from the rooftops.
ME: I’m not pregnant!! I’m not pregnant!!! Hallelujah, I’m not pregnant!!!
Zoey is pissed. Pisssssssssed. I got to order a bunch of stuff from thredUP (the most badass online consignment store!) and I only bought stuff for myself and I didn’t get anything for her. How dare I think about myself for the first time in seven years!!
And now she is insisting that I share it all with her. “Uhhhhh, no, it won’t fit you.” But she’s claiming it doesn’t matter and that it’ll look great on her anyway. I’m like duhh, because everything looks great on a cute seven-year-old girl. Seriously, I can order her 9,000 pairs of jeans online and every single one of them will look good. Grrrr, it’s not fair.
*”thredUP” SWEEPSTAKES OFFICIAL RULES
*NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. A PURCHASE OR PAYMENT OF ANY KIND WILL NOT INCREASE YOUR CHANCES OF WINNING. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW
- ELIGIBILITY:The “thredUP” Sweepstakes (“Sweepstakes”) is open only to legal residents of the fifty (50) United States and the District of Columbia (void in Puerto Rico, all U.S. territories and possessions) who are at least eighteen (18) years of age or older as of November 15, 2017 and have a valid email address. Employees of thredUP (collectively, “Sponsor”) and Baby Sideburns LLC (“Host”) and their affiliates, sales representatives, licensees or agents (all of the foregoing, collectively, “Sweepstakes Entities”), and their immediate family members (spouse, parent, child, sibling and their respective spouses) and those living in the same household of each (whether legally related or not), are ineligible to enter or win the Sweepstakes. All applicable federal, state and local laws and regulations apply. Void where prohibited by law. Entry in the Sweepstakes constitutes your full and unconditional acceptance of these “Official Rules”.
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- SWEEPSTAKES ENTRY INSTRUCTIONS:To enter the Sweepstakes each entrant must:
Submit one (1) comment with a link to your favorite item for sale on thredUP.com either on the Blog post on the Baby Sideburns website that is published on November 17, 2017 at www.babysideburns.com or on the Baby Sideburns Facebook page, or in both places. Baby Sideburns will reply to the winner in the comments section and winner should contact Baby Sideburns at firstname.lastname@example.org to provide their email address and mailing address.
Dear friend who sells LuLaRoe leggings (or is it LuluRa or LoLaRu, I can’t F’ing remember),
You’re smart. You know better than to ask me to host one of your parties. But the other day you were even more brilliant than I knew. You had leggings with scary clowns on them and for some reason you thought my hubby and I would each like a pair. HIGH-larious!!! Well, I thought they were hilarious, but I knew there was no way in hell my hubby was going to put them on. After all, they’re A. tight leggings and B. they have scary clowns all over them.
But much to my surprise I took them home and my hubby was like whatever, I’ll try them. Wha-WHAT?!! Color me shocked. Anyways, what ensued after he put them on had me soiling my own scary clown leggings I was laughing so hard.