People Magazine

Yo People magazine, wanna see what REAL people eat in a day?

So back in the day before I had kids, I used to read semi-intellectual stuff. The New York Times, JD Salinger books, other things that I can’t remember because my brain is fried. But nowadays, I read fun shit. Like People magazine. Yup, pretty much every day I get a good case of the FIBS (Fake Irritable Bowel Syndrome)…

I HATE my wrinkles and gray hair and all the other shit that’s happening to my body

You know what I’m so sick of? Reading these bullshit interviews from celebrities who are all pollyanna optimistists about getting older and looking crappier. They’re all, “Ooooh, I love my wrinkles and gray hair. They’re badges of honor.” Ennnh, ennnh, ennnh. What’s that the sound of? That, my amigos, is the sound of my bullshit…