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What I REALLY F’ing want on my next vacation

What I REALLY F’ing want on my next vacation

Now that we have kids, vacations are not vacations anymore. They’re basically just a way to spend nine million dollars to be trapped inside a small metal capsule with two douchenuggets for hours only to arrive in a faraway land where the beds are smaller and sleep sucks donkey butt and I eat so much that…

How to turn your kid into a total wussy in ten easy steps

How to turn your kid into a total wussy in ten easy steps

1. When you play any game, never ever keep score. If someone’s a winner, someone else has to be a loser, and you don’t want to teach your kid how to be a loser, do you? Losing in Chutes and Ladders has been known to cause a lifetime of failed marriages and binge eating. 2. If…

I hate big thighs and I cannot lie, you other sisters might deny

I hate big thighs and I cannot lie, you other sisters might deny

Swish swish swish. What is that noise? Swish swish swish swish, WHAT is that??? Oh, wait a sec, I know. It’s my thighs. Awwwesome. Yup, my thighs make a noise when I walk. And if you don’t know WTF I’m talking about, please stop reading this now because you must be one of those women whose thighs…

Ten things I REALLY want to do alone once in a while

Ten things I REALLY want to do alone once in a while

  Dear Thing 1, Thing 2 and my hubby, I LOVE you guys. Like I LOVVVVVVVVE you. But even though I love you more than life itself, sometimes I just need a break. Not like a six-night trip to the Caribbean (although that would be amazing). Just a wee little bit of “alone” time. Because…

This is personal

This is personal

This is not political. This is personal. You see these two faces? These are the faces behind the Affordable Care Act (aka Obamacare). That’s right. My sweet kids Zoey and Holden are on Obamacare. And so are me and my husband. And I am scared shitless right now. Years ago before Obamacare, we applied for…

Aggghhhh, my kid won’t eat breakfast and it’s killing me!!!!

Aggghhhh, my kid won’t eat breakfast and it’s killing me!!!!

(Based on a true story) ME: Holden, what do you want for breakfast? HOLDEN: Nothing. ME: You can’t have nothing. Do you want some toast? HOLDEN: I’m not hungry. ME: You’ll be hungry later at school. How about a banana? HOLDEN: I’m NOT hungry!! ME: You can’t NOT eat something (does that even make sense?).

Ruh-roh, you’re not gonna believe where I found the car keys

Ruh-roh, you’re not gonna believe where I found the car keys

I did something stupid. I mean I do stupid stuff all the time, but this one makes me look like a total idiot. It all started the other morning when I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get the rugrats out the door for school. ME: Did you…

The day I accidentally murdered someone

The day I accidentally murdered someone

F me. Yes, I know those probably aren’t the classiest words to start a post with, but I really can’t think of two better words to describe the shitstorm that I brought upon my house this weekend. Are you ready for this tragedy? So on Saturday night we went out with friends to a Mexican…