Happy Last Minute Shopping Day! So many stores, so little time

In honor of the last day of shopping before that fat guy takes credit for all the shit you came up with and worked so hard to pay for and then spent like a million hours wrapping because they all came in abnormally shaped boxes that suck. Wait, I don’t think that was a complete sentence, but I lost my train of thought. Anyways, in honor of this big-ass shopping day, here are a few thoughts about some of my favorite and least favorite stores to shop at.

Tarjayyyyy

Here are a few things I like about Target:

It’s where I found my most favoritest underwear ever (this has nothing to do with holiday shopping but it is quite possibly the most important thing in my life)

I go there multiple times a week so I know which cashiers are my BFFs and which ones to avoid like the plague. Yo, yo, shout out to my main man Arnie!!

I don’t need my receipt to return shit. I’m already juggling like 9,000 things, so finding a 3 inch wide slip of paper folded up in some pocket somewhere amongst a bunch of hardened snot rags and the sticky lollipop stick my kid shoved in there is about the last thing I want to do.

I never leave there spending less than $100, which would ordinarily piss me off but I always feel like I need all this stuff, especially the wine.

And oh yeah, they have a wine section.

Toys R Us and Babies R Us

When I go to these stores I can never find a salesperson to help me. I seriously wonder whether I can just grab as much shit as I want and run out because there is literally not a single employee in sight. And then when I finally find someone, two questions go through my head:

  1. Does this person need a lobotomy?
  2. Did this person already have a lobotomy?

Neiman Marcus

I used to shop at this store. Once. Someone gave me a gift I didn’t need or want or something, so I returned it. Here’s the conversation I had with the saleslady.

SALESLADY: You have $36 to spend.

ME: Oh cool. I’ll go look around.

SALESLADY: Are you looking for something specific?

ME: Something nice for $36.

SALESLADY: You could buy this breath mint.

HomeGoods

WTF? Sometimes I walk out of this store with like a million amazing things for my house. And then other times I feel like I’ve walked into a store that was specifically stocked with shit for white elephant parties. Like that shower curtain I saw that’s white except for a clear band right at the height of my muffin top? And if you’re tall, right at the height of your genitals. Nice. Or like this vase that looks like someone glued vaginas all over it.

VaginaVase

WTF? Seriously W……..T………F?

Next year I’m throwing a HomeGoods white elephant party. The rules are you have to find the most hilarious thing you can find for under $15 at HomeGoods and we’re just gonna give our presents and laugh our asses off for hours. You think I am kidding, but I am not.

So there you go. I’m sure I could add like a thousand more stores to this list, but who the hell is reading my blog on Christmas Eve anyways? Well, besides you. Merry Christmas to all, well to all nice people who don’t write mean shit in my comments section, and to all a good night!

And if you haven’t subscribed to THIS blog yet (because my blog is no longer at ChicagoNow) pleeeeease sign up below so you don’t miss any of my hilarious shit!!




There are 27 comments for this article
  1. Ashleigh at 1:35 pm

    Nothing like a v****a looking conversation piece. Buy it for someone and say how it spoke to you.. Stare them dead in the eyes waiting for their reaction!

  2. melissa at 2:28 pm

    3yr old with a fever for the last 4 days has me catching up on blogs. 🙂 and saving sooo much money by not rushing around last minute. Oh, and, I already stocked my wine in last week. 🙂 Merry Christmas darling,

    Melissa

  3. Christin Harding at 3:41 pm

    Seriously-your blogs have made me laugh like a crazed maniac. And the holiday related ones even more so. Thanks so much-you have a gift, woman!! A GIFT!

  4. Monica at 4:06 pm

    When your children move out please do not stop your blog. My child is grown and I have two grandchildren. I tear up with laughter at every post you write. The Neiman Marcus one was HILARIOUS!

  5. Shawna at 5:41 pm

    Oh my lord….. All the comments with the word v****a and its bleeped….. V A G I N A , V A G I N A, V A G I N A…… its not a cuss word!!!!

  6. Gillian Lewis at 6:32 pm

    Hahaha, Merry Christmas Eve to you as well. I’m reading your blog because my sons are busy playing “Dragon Age Inquisition” and basically ignoring me. I’m off to pick up a couple last minute things, so thanks for the hilarious comments about stores and last minute shopping!

  7. Teresa Z. at 6:46 pm

    I totally am reading your blog on Christmas Eve… and I want to attend your Home Goods white elephant… but we don’t have home goods so you have give me a pass to go to Marshall’s, TJ Maxx or Ross. lol

  8. Hollis C. at 8:48 pm

    I was laughing so hard my 11 year old asked what was wrong…. air was barely hissing out. Thank you for being a bright spot after hours of crying, whining, wailing kids, and knowing that there’s many hours of santa work left to do. So yes, we are reading you on Christmas eve… THANK YOU! And Merry Christmas.

  9. A.I at 10:46 pm

    What else would I do after cooking all day with a 3 year old “helper”, which makes everything suck but I do it so she isnt whining at me every 5 min to keep her busy…a husband who comes home early from work and lays on the couch while I burn the sides for Xmas dinner, run back to Walmart after a malfunctioning food processor which was purchased just for xmas dinner died after 3 min …and while the 3 year old is tired of helping and now screaming for my attention. What else could I possibly do after feeding, bathing, and putting down the over-tired toddler while husband relaxes a bit more before carrying in the ridiculous life size doll house that I thought was a good idea at some point. I am now finally on the couch drinking a glass (or bottle) of wine, reading this blog….before 9 crazy family members, and Santa, show up tomorrow for the entire weekend! Thank you for bringing laughter into my life during craziness that I wouldn’t change for the world! 🙂 Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

  10. Jackie at 11:55 am

    My bff and I discovered the underwear of which you speak a few years ago. If, God forbid, I am ever single again I will marry Tarjay.

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