Your house has lice, WTF do you do

Awwwww shit, your kid is scratching her head. So you take a little peek in her hair and yup, only one word comes to mind. Shitfuckcrapdamnmotherfuckingcocksuckerbunghole. What’s that Merriam Webster? That’s not a real word? To hell it’s not. When your house get lice, let’s see if you can find any word in your dictionary that sums up all the feelings you have.

So here’s the thing. If this happens in your house, you can do what you’re SUPPOSED to do. Remain calm and carefully comb all the harmless pests out of your little angel’s hair and wash all your linens on hot and sip some herbal tea after you’re done.

Or….

Here’s what I suggest you do:

1. Panic. That’s right. Freak the F out. People are going to tell you to remain calm. Do NOT remain calm. There are literally BUGS doing the electric slide all over your kiddo’s scalp laying hundreds and hundreds of eggs.

2. I don’t care how broke you are, you shell out the cash to call in an expert who knows how the hell to take care of lice. Because here’s the dealio. Lice eggs are like the size of a pinprick and if you don’t get ALL that shit out of your house, you’re gonna be a grandma to hundreds of bug babies. Mazel tov!!! Are you itching yet?

3. Do whatever the lice expert says times a zillion. If she says to vacuum your furniture, you don’t just vacuum it. You F’ing burn it. If she says to put your pillows and stuffies into the dryer on high heat for 40 minutes, you do it for 400. If she says to do a special treatment every other day for a week, you do it twice a day for a month.

4. I know your instinct is NOT to call the camp or school and let them know because you don’t want the other kids and parents to find out it’s you and hate your guts. Screw that. You call them. Because A. You want other parents to catch it early before their own egg babies hatch. And B. If their kid’s egg babies hatch, their kid is just going to bring that shit back to camp and your kid is going to get it again. And again. And again. This is not chicken pox people. You can get lice twice. 

5. Scratch the F out of your own head the whole time this is going on. Whether you have lice or not, prepare to have psychosomatic itching for years.

6. Prepare for everyone to avoid you like the plague. Like no one will bring their kid to your house for the next year or so, and hell if they’re inviting your kid into their house again. And if you’re offended, don’t be. Because seriously, would you invite a kid over who has head bugs?

7. Flat iron the shit out of your hair every single day. I don’t care if you live in a mother F’ing rainforest and your hair won’t stay straight no matter what. I have no idea if the flat iron really works, but I didn’t get lice when my daughter did and maybe that’s why so I will literally fry the shit out of my hair every day for the rest of my life in case it works.

8. Awwww, screw it and ignore everything I just said. Just shave everyone’s heads, douse everything you own in lighter fluid, and strike a match. Oh, and make sure you have a handle of vodka from Costco (the bigger the better) to guzzle while you watch your house burn to the ground. And smile because you can almost hear those poor little mofo’s inside the house screaming, (read in a tiny annoying louse voice) “Hellpppp meeeee, I’m burnnninggg!”

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There are 26 comments for this article
  1. blogbobcat at 10:12 am

    Yes! I remember my mom losing her S**T when our house got lice because we were moving, so she had to do all of this x2 houses and had to find all of the combs that were maybe in that box tucked in the back of the truck, and throw them away before they infested the entire planet. Poor lady.

  2. Jenn at 10:28 am

    I was traumatized last year when my daughter and I got lice from her school. In our state we have a place called “Lice Knowing You” which is kind of like a salon where you pay an arm and a leg to be 100% lice free in one day. They sell their products on Amazon and they are all natural, essential oil based. I purchased a preventative spray from them so now every time it crops up at school we start spraying. Really the best preventative measure is keeping long hair up and not putting anything on the head 🙂 It really sucks though.

    • hollyC at 10:56 am

      i had 2 girls with very very long, curly hair, & they got reinfested 2 more times back to back…i wouldve gladly taken out a 2nd mortgage to go to that salon! LOL

    • Sue at 2:22 pm

      What it it called? I have literally lived a year of hell because my daughter kept bringing them home from school last year, and she STILL keeps getting them! That preventative spray sounds like s lifesaver!!

      • Jenn at 7:14 pm

        The products are called “Lice Knowing You”. We have the Lice Knowing You Lice Prevention Detangler & Conditioning Spray. Type it in and I’m sure you can find it.

        Good Luck!

        • Leah at 9:11 am

          Also below dry her hair after every bath and shower. I was told this after I had it in middle school never got it again even when my kids and siblings did and yes flat ironing helps also!

      • Teresa at 6:13 am

        Omfg!!!! Wth?! Poor u!!!!!!! Hugs woman!!!! Go seek a professional and get rid of it once and for all, teach your daughter hair tied only and no hugging friends (sorry! I hate that but only way!) and no sharing hats, ties hair stuff. Make sure hats aren’t hung touching in locker areas. You might already do all that. Just saying in case.

      • Mel Beam at 1:06 pm

        Walmart sells a leave in spray that smells like black licorice (gag), but worked wonders on my 2 year old’s hair when we fought those hellspawn 2 years ago. My kids got them from a friend, who got them from Mom’s boyfriend’s kids.

  3. Tanya at 10:29 am

    I love this, cause this is literally the way I handled lice in my house (plus therapy). Only last time I went to one of those professional salons and paid a small fortune and they got rid of them for us in one visit. Totally worth every penny!

  4. Eve at 10:36 am

    I’m itching just reading this!! We’ve had two bouts of lice in our house over the years, and it’s hell on earth. It’s just so frigging gross!

  5. PirateJenny at 10:55 am

    This is both hilarious and filling me with dread all at the same time. I have no idea how we have avoided lice as long as we have. Sheer dumb luck, but I fear the day our luck runs out. My 9yo (Maggie)’s camp counselor told us one year that Maggie’s best friend had lice AND they had been sharing a baseball cap that day. Eeeeek. Maybe I should get some of that preventive herbal spray just to have around. My head feels itchy just thinking about it.

  6. Caroline Godwin at 11:24 am

    I am already itching just reading this!! I have two boys with very short hair, and already have lice shampoo on hand, always. They will not win if they fight me!!!!

  7. Fran at 11:29 am

    Tea tree oil. Fill a spray bottle with water add 10 drops oil mist hair daily. I worked in a school where lice were the norm sprayed everyday even had a bottle in school where everyday I sprayed all the surfaces only that same child ever had lice every other person stayed free from lice . You can also add the oil to your shampoo for extra

  8. Jen at 11:34 am

    Four kids, all age 8 and under at the time (4 years ago), two of them girls with long, fine, curly hair, all found crawling with the creeping yeukbugs. That was just before Christmas, and I was an amateur; by mid-January, they all were infested again, despite my extremely a**l efforts. So I dragged them off to their pediatrician, who prescribed an industrial-strength Rx-only shampoo for all of them, and BOOM. Lice Apocalypse. Like, 100% eradicated in one night. It was beautiful. If ever we are hit with that particular plague again, pediatrician will be my FIRST stop.

  9. Mary Schneider (Life With Teens) at 12:36 pm

    One word- Ivermectrin.

    We had the “resistant” types last summer. Bastards are impossible to get rid of… We spent $$$$ and a couple weeks… kept coming back.

    Doc’s prescription for ivermectrin pills? $300. O_o Not covered by our insurance. S**T.

    Feed store ivermectrin in the horse section? $10. It’s a nasty-a*s paste but by god it works. Best tip- put it IN something- like one of those ziti noodles- that you can swallow fast. Take a drink of something to get rid of the bitter after-flavor. Voila. Within a few days the bugs are gone.

    (A caveat- My kids are GROWN. We got them from a family member. I don’t recommend self-medicating your young kids. And if you can get the pill thru the doc’s, that’s the way to go.)
    We are farm folks, back country rednecks, and figured hey, if this super-common medication that’s known to be safe for both humans and animals is good enough for the horses… And it worked. So there’s that.

  10. Jen at 12:55 pm

    I’m having deja vu….didn’t Zoey just have lice? You took her to the magic lice voodoo doctor and you had found an egg you put in a ziplock bag from Holden’s hair??

  11. Teresa at 1:12 pm

    I work in a school and feel itchy every time lice comes around. The worst was showing up at a family member’s house for a visit to find out one of the girls had lice. Wanted to leave right then and there! If I had kids at the time, I probably would have. My in-law was panicking so we stayed and I helped her go through her youngest daunter’s hair and told her how to clean the rest of the house. Every time I get ichy from the thought of lice, I eye up the new lice vacuum machine I saw at the pharmacy. They claim they work really well and only cost $70 which is the price of two-three bottles of the NIX shampoo. Uggh! I’m going to be feeling itchy all day. Good thing you’re funny ?

  12. Cynthia Carr at 4:42 pm

    I love and respect how you bring these yucky subjects to the forefront and talk about them. Thank you! Our oldest had head lice some thirty years ago. What a bummer! My folks were visiting and they, my husband and I stayed up all night washing and drying EVERYTHING, vacuuming, shampooing, picking nits. Anyone can get and share head lice. Good luck everyone. It has nothing to do with whether you’re good or bad, dirty or clean. Lice happens. D**n!!! My head itches!

  13. Kortney at 7:16 pm

    So much YES to this! My kids had is last year and I freaked out! If I had somewhere else to go, I may have burnt my house down and shaved everyone’s heads just to be sure those little sh**s were dead! My children’s stepbrother got lice again this year. I checked my kids and they were lice free but I make them shampoo with lice prevention shampoo for the foreseeable future. ? I was so paranoid, I even treated myself with RID. 10 minutes of effort for peace of mind? Yes please! Ugh, what a nightmare!

  14. Carli at 10:28 pm

    I was a volunteer at a summer camp for a week and we discovered a lice infestation on the last night! We bought a giant bottle of olive oil and covered the heads of the girls in the infested cabin and covered their heads with a shower cap. The next morning, the girls got on their bathing suits and we made an assembly line and washed their hair. The oil suffocates them (they can hold their breath for 6-8 hours) and makes it easier to comb them out. We told the parents to do it a few more times to make sure they get all the nits. My sister did it when she got lice and it worked for her.

  15. Nubstep at 1:24 pm

    I was about 9 or 10 when I got them. I got them from one of my best friends, and she’s the one who noticed them first. I very clearly remember her going through my hair and saying, “Oh, I love picking out these little guys!” I was thoroughly disgusted. Like.. how is this fun for you? That’s nasty! I still hung out with her at school, but I never went back to her house after that.

  16. Decenda Baker at 10:45 pm

    My kids got lice once when they were in elementary school I could just like you did in a freak the F out after that every kid in the neighborhood knew that they could not play at my house until they walk straight through the house sit on the back porch so I can check their head with my electrical lice comb lol.
    P.s. I remember us kids getting lice a lot when I was a kid and my dad never did and he had long hair he swears by the blow-dryer every morning that’s what keeps the buggers away

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