Awwwww shit, your kid is scratching her head. So you take a little peek in her hair and yup, only one word comes to mind. Shitfuckcrapdamnmotherfuckingcocksuckerbunghole. What’s that Merriam Webster? That’s not a real word? To hell it’s not. When your house get lice, let’s see if you can find any word in your dictionary that sums up all the feelings you have.
So here’s the thing. If this happens in your house, you can do what you’re SUPPOSED to do. Remain calm and carefully comb all the harmless pests out of your little angel’s hair and wash all your linens on hot and sip some herbal tea after you’re done.
Here’s what I suggest you do:
1. Panic. That’s right. Freak the F out. People are going to tell you to remain calm. Do NOT remain calm. There are literally BUGS doing the electric slide all over your kiddo’s scalp laying hundreds and hundreds of eggs.
2. I don’t care how broke you are, you shell out the cash to call in an expert who knows how the hell to take care of lice. Because here’s the dealio. Lice eggs are like the size of a pinprick and if you don’t get ALL that shit out of your house, you’re gonna be a grandma to hundreds of bug babies. Mazel tov!!! Are you itching yet?
3. Do whatever the lice expert says times a zillion. If she says to vacuum your furniture, you don’t just vacuum it. You F’ing burn it. If she says to put your pillows and stuffies into the dryer on high heat for 40 minutes, you do it for 400. If she says to do a special treatment every other day for a week, you do it twice a day for a month.
4. I know your instinct is NOT to call the camp or school and let them know because you don’t want the other kids and parents to find out it’s you and hate your guts. Screw that. You call them. Because A. You want other parents to catch it early before their own egg babies hatch. And B. If their kid’s egg babies hatch, their kid is just going to bring that shit back to camp and your kid is going to get it again. And again. And again. This is not chicken pox people. You can get lice twice.
5. Scratch the F out of your own head the whole time this is going on. Whether you have lice or not, prepare to have psychosomatic itching for years.
6. Prepare for everyone to avoid you like the plague. Like no one will bring their kid to your house for the next year or so, and hell if they’re inviting your kid into their house again. And if you’re offended, don’t be. Because seriously, would you invite a kid over who has head bugs?
7. Flat iron the shit out of your hair every single day. I don’t care if you live in a mother F’ing rainforest and your hair won’t stay straight no matter what. I have no idea if the flat iron really works, but I didn’t get lice when my daughter did and maybe that’s why so I will literally fry the shit out of my hair every day for the rest of my life in case it works.
8. Awwww, screw it and ignore everything I just said. Just shave everyone’s heads, douse everything you own in lighter fluid, and strike a match. Oh, and make sure you have a handle of vodka from Costco (the bigger the better) to guzzle while you watch your house burn to the ground. And smile because you can almost hear those poor little mofo’s inside the house screaming, (read in a tiny annoying louse voice) “Hellpppp meeeee, I’m burnnninggg!”
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