I’m sorry, but I’ve been cheating on you. A lot. Do I still love you? With all of my heart and soul and I still love pushing a cart around your store and putting way more things into it than what I came for, but it just doesn’t happen as much as it used to. Because I’ve met someone else.
Who is it? Do I really need to tell you? It doesn’t matter who it is. Let’s just say I’m giving him less than I ever gave you, but he’s giving me way more in return. In fact, he sends me things almost every day. Boxes and boxes of wonderful things. He knows exactly what I want and knows how to please me and when I ask him for something, well, he just delivers. Even at 3am, he’s there for me. You were never there for me at 3am. And he’s such a gentleman. When my cart is full of soda and kitty litter and other heavy things, he never makes me carry a thing.
Oh please don’t look so sad. I promise, it’s not you, it’s me. I just like cheaper things.
So yes, I’m breaking up with you, but can we still be friends? Maybe even friends with benefits? I hope you don’t mind if I call you up for a booty call once in a while. Like when I suddenly need a present for a birthday party I forgot about and my new lover can’t get it to me quickly enough, I promise to come to you for a quickie when that happens. I may even browse your aisles for a little extra satisfaction. Because you might take a little longer, but sometimes that’s what I’m in the mood for.
And I just can’t browse that way on Amaz– oh no, I said his name. Please don’t blame him. It’s not his fault he’s so good at what he does. I know what you’re thinking. That you can change. That you can try to do the same things he does. Well you have tried, remember? You tried to be like him, but you can’t be someone else. You are who you are. And alas, I’m in love with someone else now. I’m sorry.
A woman with a guilty conscience… and a smaller monthly bill
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