I mean who the hell doesn’t want a drink when they’re preggers?!!!
WAITER: Can I get anyone a drink?
WAITER: Can I get anyone a drink?
Yo Pinterest, check this shit out. My kid made Elsa’s cape out of panty liners tonight. Yeah, you read that right!! Some kids play with iPads when they go to a restaurant. And some make masterpieces out of panty liners. Bam!
Sometimes the cat throws up on the carpet and I get really pissed off. But sometimes he throws up in the perfect place to teach my kids an important lesson about drinking too much and losing your dignity.
UTERUS: I’m twitching. ME: N to the mother-F’ing O. NO. UTERUS: I can’t help it. I mean LOOK at those cheeks. ME: You know why they’re like that? Because she’s sucking on tatas alllllllll F’ing day long so her mom can’t do good stuff like drink vodka and wine. UTERUS: Pleeeeease. I promise I won’t…
Whenever the grandparents tell us we’re being too protective with our rug rats, I’m like hmmm, are they right? And then I get a text message like this and I’m like ummmm, yes, we definitely need to lighten up for sure and leave more weapons on their nightstands.
You know how all those Missy McPerfects brag on Facebook about their perfect kiddos? Well, I apologize but I’m gonna join them for a moment. My kid doesn’t just say I love you, he pees it in a heart shape on the carpet. Try not to be jealous.
I don’t know WTF everyone’s talking about. I didn’t have any problem putting the Girl Scouts badges on her vest.