So the other day I was talking to Holden about the first time we went to Disney World, and he didn’t remember a thing. N.O.T.H.I.N.G. I meannnn, are you kidding me?!!! We spent like 9 million dollars on a hotel and tickets and the Happily Ever After Dessert party, and not because we wanted to…
Dear daughter, I’m gonna be honest with you. Junior high sucks. Yup, I am not going to b.s. you and tell you it’s all hunky dory and a bowlful of rainbow cherries. Basically it’s like walking through the prison courtyard every day in your orange jumpsuit trying to figure out which group of inmates isn’t…
You know what I totally hated about our vacation to Asheville? Coming home. We were only there for six days, and it was wayyy too short. So if you’re thinking about going to Asheville, here is some awesome shit to do there. And if you’re not thinking about going there, you crazy. And no, that’s…
Dear parent who’s debating whether to give your child the Covid vaccine, Wait, let me get this straight. You’re worried about injecting your child with some unknown chemical? You’ve heard it might cause infertility and can’t imagine how guilty you would feel if that happened? You’re worried the vaccine is brand new technology and you…
You’re only as happy as your least happy child. Want to know why I hate that phrase? Because it’s true. I don’t know who the F came up with that saying, but damn them because they tapped into one of the absolute worst things about parenting. Here’s the thing, you pop a baby out your…
So the other day I was with a friend and she told me her ten-year-old wants to shave her legs. I think maybe she could have heard the sound of my heart breaking through my ribcage. Wait, WHAT?!!! And I know what you’re probably thinking. What’s the big deal? Girls shave their legs all the…
Have you ever tried googling Mother’s Day gifts because you have no clue what to get? Wanna know what comes up? A bunch of crap she doesn’t need or want. I mean, sure a picture frame that says “Mom” or “Grandma” is really nice to get her… once. Now WTF do you get her? A…
WTF happened to my daughter? This is basically what I say on a daily basis now that I’m parenting a tween. I mean don’t get me wrong, I LOVVVVVE the crap out of her… when she’s actually my daughter and doesn’t resemble Heath Ledger playing the Joker. Tweens are fun, aren’t they?! Yay! FYI, that…
The following is a chapter from my new book Mamas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be A-Holes, available everywhere books are sold Can we just talk about the phrase “Boys will be boys” for a sec? It exists for one reason only — to excuse bad behavior. Like if you saw a boy…
Is anyone else’s kids driving them crazy? Oh my gawwwwd. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love hanging out with my children, but here’s the thing I’ve noticed. If I hang out with them too much, I start not liking hanging out with them. You know that saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder?”…