You’re only as happy as your least happy child. Want to know why I hate that phrase? Because it’s true. I don’t know who the F came up with that saying, but damn them because they tapped into one of the absolute worst things about parenting. Here’s the thing, you pop a baby out your…
So the other day I was with a friend and she told me her ten-year-old wants to shave her legs. I think maybe she could have heard the sound of my heart breaking through my ribcage. Wait, WHAT?!!! And I know what you’re probably thinking. What’s the big deal? Girls shave their legs all the…
Have you ever tried googling Mother’s Day gifts because you have no clue what to get? Wanna know what comes up? A bunch of crap she doesn’t need or want. I mean, sure a picture frame that says “Mom” or “Grandma” is really nice to get her… once. Now WTF do you get her? A…
WTF happened to my daughter? This is basically what I say on a daily basis now that I’m parenting a tween. I mean don’t get me wrong, I LOVVVVVE the crap out of her… when she’s actually my daughter and doesn’t resemble Heath Ledger playing the Joker. Tweens are fun, aren’t they?! Yay! FYI, that…
The following is a chapter from my new book Mamas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be A-Holes, available everywhere books are sold Can we just talk about the phrase “Boys will be boys” for a sec? It exists for one reason only — to excuse bad behavior. Like if you saw a boy…
Is anyone else’s kids driving them crazy? Oh my gawwwwd. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love hanging out with my children, but here’s the thing I’ve noticed. If I hang out with them too much, I start not liking hanging out with them. You know that saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder?”…
Dear Daughter, The other day you were in a pissy mood. I get it. It happens to all of us. You were stomping around the house, slamming doors, and no matter how nice I was to you, you were a total crabapple (FYI, I’m not using the word I’m really thinking). I made you dinner,…
Back at the beginning of all this pandemic shit (pardon my French but I think we all know curse words are very much in order these days), I was like WTF do I do with all my time stuck at home? At first I did a crapload of puzzles, but once I got sick of…
So the other day I opened my email and I was feeling really popular because I had so many messages. Then I deleted all the spam and I realized I was just popular with Bath and Body Works, American Airlines and Pier 1. Wah wahhhh. But there was one email left. And little did I…
KIDS: Mom, can you play with us? Ugggghhhh, no, for the love of God, pleeeease don’t make me play anymore. I’ve played LEGOs, I’ve played marble maze, I’ve played Monopoly Junior, I’ve played dress-up. Seriously, people, I am going bOnKeRs. And yes, I know there are people reading this right now who are like, “Oh…