Hi. It’s me. Duhh, who else would be writing my blog? I mean yeah I guess there are plenty of pages that have lots of different writers but not here. Nope, here I pretty much do it all. I guess it all started because I like to write. And then when my audience started to…
Ding! There it is. A new email sitting in your inbox. “Someone in your kid’s class has strep throat.” And one word goes through your head. F**K!!!!!!!!! The email just says some unnamed mystery kid in the class has strep and then it goes on and on and on about what strep is. And you’re…
1. I say things like, “No, honey, I have no idea where your xylophone is,” when really I know exactly where it is. In the bag of toys I just dropped off at Goodwill. 2. When they’re eating something yummy like ice cream or pizza, I tell them I need to check it and make…
Dear Unnamed Presidential Candidate, So yesterday I had the news on in the kitchen when my four-year-old came into the room. Now since the news was talking about the presidential race and not something scary like war or murder or missing airplanes, I left it on. I like that my kids are learning a…
You know what I’m so sick of? Reading these bullshit interviews from celebrities who are all pollyanna optimistists about getting older and looking crappier. They’re all, “Ooooh, I love my wrinkles and gray hair. They’re badges of honor.” Ennnh, ennnh, ennnh. What’s that the sound of? That, my amigos, is the sound of my bullshit…
Remember the good ole days? B.K. Nahhh, I don’t mean Burger King. Shit, now I totally have a hankering for some greasy onion rings. And did I just use the word hankering? Apparently I’ve turned into a seventy-year-old farmer. Anyways, B.K. means Before Kids. And I can’t believe I thought I had it hard back…
Dear Hubby, I owe you a big-ass apology. Nahhh, not for throwing away your fugly acid-washed jeans when you weren’t looking. You should be thanking me for that. But I need to say I’m sorry for a bunch of other shit I’ve done. Like last night, for example. So you know how Holden woke…
Yo rugrat, I love you. A lot. And I lovvvvvve spending time with you. And sometimes that means hanging out together and playing fun games like Spiderman versus Darth Vader, but sometimes that means dragging you to the grocery store. And I know that kinda sucks but life isn’t all unicorns pooping rainbows. So the next time…
Dear lady who’s bottle-feeding her newborn in Starbucks right now, Yeah, I saw that. That group of women in the chairs who just gave you a disapproving look when you whipped out the bottle. Now mayyybe they just don’t approve of the donut you’re eating. Or maybe they don’t like your outfit. But I’m…
AGGGHHHHH, so this morning something really gross happened. I mean it’s not like gross shit isn’t always happening in my house, but this was even grosser than usual and kinda funny but not really funny at all. So like every morning Holden wakes up at the ass-crack of dawn and does what he always does.…