Awww crap, someone in your kid’s class has strep

Ding! There it is. A new email sitting in your inbox. “Someone in your kid’s class has strep throat.” And one word goes through your head. F**K!!!!!!!!! The email just says some unnamed mystery kid in the class has strep and then it goes on and on and on about what strep is. And you’re like no shit Sherlock, I know what strep is. But who the hell has it? Is it someone my kid hangs out with? Has the kid been to my house in the past week? Basically you just told me to worry, watch and wait for the plague to show up. I am so sick of these vague, unhelpful letters. Because if I were a teacher and someone had strep throat in my class, here is the email I would send home to the parents:

Dear parent,

I’m sure you’re cursing me right now because you saw the subject line of this email. You guessed it, Timmy VanTootshausen has strep throat. And since he’s in your kid’s class, you’re F’ed. Yup, the chances of your kiddo getting it is about 200% because A. holy crap, is that shit contagious, and B. little Timmy is that kid who likes to suck on all the toys and leave them lying around the classroom dripping in saliva.

Plus, judging by the way Timmy’s been acting over the past few days, I would say he’s had strep for a while now but his mom probably didn’t believe him and brought him to school anyway because she had important shit to do like get facials and drink Evian and go shopping for fancy workout clothes. Priorities!

And yeah, I know I’m only legally required to let you know that someone has strep and I’m not actually supposed to tell you who, but I think we all know that’s total bullshit. You need to know who it is so you can avoid having any play dates with him for a while because even though he’s on antibiotics, you know his house and car and siblings are still crawling with cooties. And besides, if I don’t tell you who the email is about, you guys are just gonna start texting each other like mad and poking around until you figure out who the culprit is, so I might as well not waste your time.

Anyways, here’s the thing. Tomorrow morning if your little douchenugget wakes up and he’s acting more douchey than nuggety, please check his throat, and if there is any doubt in your mind, keep your human petri dish at home. Yeah, I know it sucks ass because then you’re basically on house arrest all day long, but you know what sucks even worse? Me sending out this email again next week but substituting the VanToothausens’ name with your name so everyone hates your guts and avoids you like the plague for the rest of the year.


The woman who takes a bath in hand sanitizer every night

P.S. Guess who’s coming out with another book?!! Meeee!!! I saved all of my best material last year and didn’t share it (yup, I’m an a-hole) to put it in my new book I Want My Epidural BackOrder it now because last time it went out of stock and that sucked for a lot of people. And if you liked this, please don’t forget to like and share it. Thank you!!


There are 15 comments for this article
  1. Atina F at 9:56 am

    I’d take the strep letter over the lice letter any day;) *itches uncontrolably*

  2. Niki at 10:11 am

    I’d take strep over lice, impetigo and all the other random s**t going around you can’t easily treat.

  3. Christine Schopfer Mills at 10:57 am

    I wish our school even did this. They refuse because they say that it could violate privacy issues. I’m not asking for the kid’s name, just tell me what they freakin’ have! My kids are in high school now, so it’s not as big of a deal, but our school won’t even send a lice letter. It’s bull!

  4. Stephanie Stefanoni at 10:57 am

    I was thinking the same thing! We’ve had like 3 or 4 lice letters sent home this year and each time I become instantly itchy all over and dig through my kids hair like a mad woman! And the letters are so vague….what grade, what class, what bus do they ride….I need to know lol!! I’d rather have a strep letter any day!

  5. Jaimee at 11:39 am

    I agree with all of you. Lice has been really, really bad this year. I’ve had lice calls and emails. I’ve had Whooping cough, chicken pox, the flu, pink eye, etc etc. I’ve had all these notices and eventually you find out who it was and how long they have had it, but it would be nice if they just told you so you don’t freak out every single time. Call your Dr and bother them. I have been so lucky that my girls haven’t gotten any of it.

  6. Heather A at 12:02 pm

    Just wait until it’s the bed bugs letter, and the school is informing you that they are placing every bookbag and coat, in the classroom, in plastic bags during the day. Yikes! It’s terrifying!!!

  7. Rebecca at 12:42 pm

    Just got the Hand Foot Mouth letter last week….good times!

  8. Tara at 2:42 pm

    Here’s a fun one! My kid is THE VanTootshausen. He’s a carrier, so he has no symptoms besides a fever. Quick strep negative Friday. Today, after he has already been on the bus & at school for 3 hours, his doc calls. He’s been fine aaaaallllll weekend with no fever, no doucheyness & no sore throat. Guess what? His throat culture came back positive. Sh*t!
    See, about half the time after he gets a random high fever, I wind up with strep throat death 5 days later. Like. Clockwork.
    So, now, even though he has no symptoms other than a tummy ache, I ask for the strep test for him. Now I’m stuck home with him for 3 days! Waaaahhh!
    Truthfully clueless Mom of Timmy VanTootshausen

  9. Jaime at 7:59 pm

    Not to turn a funny post serious… But research PANDAS, that is probably why they are sending out a letter stating that a child in your kid’s grade has strep. As a parent of a child that has it, I need to know ASAP if my daughter has been exposed to strep. No need to mention who has it, just that there is a case my daughter could have been exposed to. Many parents do not even know about PANDAS.
    PS- lice letter…makes me shake!!!?

  10. Matthew Warren at 6:53 am

    It’s even worse when you have two little kiddos who catch every disease that daycare has to offer. Kid one gets sick, gets kid two sick, kid one gets better, but soon gets sick again from kid two. Then mom or dad gets sick, and the cycle never ends!

  11. Diane at 10:20 am

    This shows total ignorance on all levels. Strep is everywhere (along with lice, pink eye, colds, etc.). Take your child to Walmart. Guess what? They have been exposed. You don’t need a letter, and you certainly don’t need to know who the child is (HIPPA laws??). Know the symptoms and watch ALL the time. It is everywhere, not just in schools. Educate yourselves and get a grip!