Ummmmmm. Can I show you what my bedroom looks like right now? Nope, not how messy it is. It’s actually not as messy as usual because a week ago I freaked out on my rugrats and made them both clean their rooms, and then I walked into my room and realized I was calling the kettle black big time.
This is my bedroom right now.
Before you start reading, this post is sponsored by RetailMeNot and they are giving away a kickass prize, aka MONEYYYYYY. So keep reading.
So the other day I made the mistake of taking the kids shopping and it was a disassssster. I swear literally every item they saw in the store, they were like, “Mom, can I get this?” “Mom, I want this!” “Mom, this is what I want!!” “I want I want I want I want I want.” And by the time we were done shopping, I was beyond angry.
ME: Aggghhhhh, if you guys ask for ONE MORE THING, I’m going to lose it. You can either do chores to earn money and pay for it or you can put it on your holiday list.
Okay, so technically you’re not even thinking about my holiday gift for another two weeks when you suddenly jump up off the couch in the middle of a TV show and announce that you have an “emergency” bowling night at 9:30pm and race off to the drugstore to desperately search for something that doesn’t look like it came from the drugstore, but I want to give you a little advice this year. Here are some things NOT to get me this holiday:
1. Do not give me something to clean the house with, ie. a fancy mop or an expensive vacuum. If you do, I want to walk downstairs and find YOU using it. Without your shirt on. Every day.
I saw the preview months ago. And I immediately wanted to see this movie. And not just because Julia Roberts was in it. I mean I grew up on Pretty Woman and Steel Magnolias and Mystic Pizza, so when I saw her mesmerizing face in the preview, I was like yessssss. But then I saw a different face. A very different face. And I knew this movie was going to be special. So I impatiently waited MANY months for it to come out, and then it finally did.
ME: Zoey, we’re going to the movies today. You’re going to LOVE this movie.
Okay, who’s ready for a HIGH-larious story? A little gross but F’ing hilarious. Before I tell you, I want to loudly announce that this is NOT about me. Like this is NOT one of those stories you tell about yourself and then pretend it’s about a friend to protect yourself. Okay, so here we go.
Last night I went out with my friend for dinner and when the waiter came over to order our drinks, I ordered a wine and she said can I have a club soda?
So last year we had a conversation about holiday gifts, and I see where you’re coming from. I understand that you REALLY want to pick out your own present and surprise me. And while I love the spirit of that, we’ve tried it your way for the past decade, and welllll, we’re gonna do it a little different this year.
Because let’s reflect for a moment.
So this morning I pulled up to your school to drop you and your friend off and you did something. Something you’ve never done before. When I said, “Give me a kiss goodbye,” you giggled and said, “Mommmm, no.” It wasn’t in a mean way. I could tell you were just embarrassed in front of your friend. And you must have noticed the mega depressed look on my face because you gave me a little peck anyway.
But guess what? I get it. I was a kid once too, you know. Before things like cell phones and the Internet, when dinosaurs still stomped the earth, and I remember feeling that way.
Dear Me twenty years ago,
We need to have a conversation. And since I’m older and wiser than you, I’m gonna talk and you’re gonna listen. Capeesh? I’ve been around the block a few more times than you, so I’d like to give you a little advice. Okay, here goes:
1. Stop looking at your AWESOME body and seeing things that are wrong with it. That is not a muffin top, it’s called skin. And thighs that touch are normal. And your body isn’t flawed, it is gorgeous. And one day you’re gonna look at old pictures of yourself and wish you had that body again.
Dear Harvey Weinstein,
This is a letter to thank you. Yup, you probably didn’t think I was going to say that. These days I’ll bet most of the letters you’re getting are F.U. letters. But not me. I would like to say thank you.
All this time, we thought we were going to remember you for incredible movies like Pulp Fiction and Shakespeare in Love and The English Patient, but nope, we were wrong. Your legacy is going to be way more impactful than that. Because you are single-handedly changing the country in ways we only dreamed of.
Thanks to you, hundreds of thousands of young women will go to work tomorrow knowing that it is not okay for their bosses to rub their shoulders. Or to call a meeting in a hotel room. Or to undress her with his eyes. Or his hands. Or to pressure her to do anything that makes her feel uncomfortable.