ME: Agghhh, I have SOOO much to do today, I think my head might explode.
HUBBY: Want me to do the grocery shopping?
I know I should jump on this amazing offer immediately, but A. I’m waiting for the probe to fall out of his tush because clearly he was abducted by aliens and this is not my real husband, and B. Letting my husband do the grocery shopping is not exactly as blissful as you might envision it to be.
But alas, if I do not take my hubby up on his generous offer, the pantry and refrigerator will remain empty and my children will starve to death and I’ll feel like an even crappier mom than I already am.
Okay, so Mother’s Day is next weekend and I could totally buy my mom some fun earrings, or grab her a gift card at Tarjay, or pick out some pretty flowers to be delivered and then curse the company because they want to charge me an extra million dollars for delivery on Mother’s Day, but nope, none of that is good enough for my mom. Because my mom is so F’ing awesome, listen to what she did for me.
She delivered me feet-first without an epidural.
Okay so the other day we were at Toys R Us looking around when I stumbled upon the Barbie section and I did a double take. What’s this? Did you finally give Barbie’s body a makeover? And then I looked a little closer and realized nope, not really. The regular Barbie is still all over the place, but so are three new ones: Petite Barbie, Tall Barbie and Curvy Barbie. I kept looking for a Barbie that represented my type– Saggy Boobs with a FUPA Barbie– but alas, not yet.
So a couple of weeks ago I figured out this badass mom trick just by chance. Uhhh, I mean I was a super genius and came up with this brilliant idea on purpose. You might remember this. I put out two bottles of soap in the kids’ bathroom (one from the dark side and one from the light side) and they immediately WANTED to wash their hands because then they could pick which side they wanted to be on.
When you said you wanted us to go on a vacation and you sent me a check, here are some of the things that went through my head. Holy crap, do you know what I could buy with that kind of money?! New kitchen appliances that we desperately need. A big portion of a new car that we’re gonna need soon. New furniture I really want but can’t afford. I had this fear that we would go on vacation for one week and that I would come home thinking, “I just spent ALL that money and now I have nothing to show for it.” Well, guess what? I could not have been more wrong. At the end of the seven days, we are going home with something MUCH better than material possessions. We are going home with incredible memories we will have forever and new bonds that will last a lifetime. And those are so much better than anything else money can buy. So thank you. No wait, that doesn’t show you how thankful I really am. THANK YOUUUU!!!!!
Your granddaughter who will always remember what you gave her
This is one of the most amazing stories I’ve ever heard. So last night I was reading the comments and posts on my Facebook page when I got to this one post that was put up by a woman named Heather. I read it. I reread it. I read it again. Was I reading it right? No, there’s no way I was reading it right. I couldn’t believe what she was saying. But she assured me I was totally reading it right. Here’s what happened.
One day Heather noticed that her two-year-old’s testicle was a little swollen. She didn’t think much of it and went to bed. But all night long she had this nagging feeling that she should get it checked out. The next day she took him to the doctor and got terrible news. It was a tumor.
Holy crap, Zoey is on the rampage. I can’t stop her. She has been signing hundreds of bookplates. I’m like Zoey, stop, you don’t have to do anymore.
ZOEY: I want to! I’m gonna do them all.
If you want one of these bookplates for FREE, all you have to do is buy my new book I Want My Epidural Back:
Wahhhhhh, I am SO mad at Disney. Like seriously pissed off. They have made coming back to reality after our cruise crazy hard. But Mama’s gotta bring home the bacon to pay for things… like another cruise. Anyways, we were cruise virgins before this one, so I’d be an a-hole not to share what I learned in case you’re thinking about taking one yourself. And in case you can’t tell from words like a-hole and virgin, this is not sponsored, so it will be very truthful. Here goes. Ten things I learned about taking a Disney cruise:
Doo doo doo doo doooooo, driving home from the library where I just dropped off eleven books that were just a few days late and one book that was due seventeen weeks ago but I didn’t know about it until the library called me to ask me where the F it was so I had to search around the house like a maniac and finally found it under Holden’s mattress. WTF, kid, it’s a book about ferrets, not a Playboy.
Hmmm, maybe I’ll take a longer route home. You know, because it’s the scenic route. Bwhahahahaha. There is no such thing as the scenic route in our town. Ohhhh, look at the beautiful sunset over DSW. Seriously, that’s as pretty as it gets. Not that I haven’t bought some seriously beautiful shoes there.
Dear Mr. or Ms. Badass,
Yeah, I know that’s not really your name, but I’m calling you that. Because you, my friend, are amazing. Wait, that doesn’t do your amazingness justice. You, are SOOO F’ING AMAAAAAZINGGGGGG!!!!!!
Yeah, I know I probably shouldn’t curse to my kid’s teacher, so give me a detention or suspend me or whatever you want to do about it, but I’m done pussy-footing around. I mean I run into you at school or in the carpool line and I’m all tongue-tied like a love-struck pubescent boy and you probably think I don’t have vocal chords or something, but I actually do. I’m just a mom who is speechless with gratitude.
I mean let’s just talk about what you do for a minute. You watch other people’s crotchfruit allllllll day long. Yeah, like WE had sex, WE got knocked up, WE brought some little a-holes into this world, but YOU take care of them more hours in the day than WE do. Seriously, I just did the math. Unless you’re Michelle Duggar, taking care of TWENTY little kids all day is pretty much akin to Chinese water torture, only instead of drops of water dripping on your face over and over again until your forehead looks like a donut, you’re bombarded with snot and boogers and lice and drool and annoying questions and if their fingers aren’t up their nose to the second knuckle, their hands are up their shorts doing God knows what to some other orifice. And even after all that, you still love the little boogersnots and take care of them better than their own parents do half the time.