Disney Tips to make your vacay more magical and less sucky

I’m just gonna come right out and say it. I am a Disney person. No matter how F’ed up your life is, for at least the first few minutes when you’re walking down Main Street in Magic Kingdom you can’t help but be optimistic. I mean I’m not gonna lie and tell you all sorts of bullcrap about how it’s going to be 100% unicorny rainbows the whole time you’re there. Because kids are like ridiculous experts when it comes to throwing tantrums and being a-holey, especially when you’ve spent gazillions of dollars to have a good time. But I am gonna give you a few pointers on how to make your trip a little more magical

Tink

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A bunch of things that went through my head when I came home yesterday and found this sitting on my counter

ScienceExperiment1. WTF is that?

2. At least it’s contained.

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The veggetti–My friend just showed me hers. Awwwkward

ME: Hey Aimee,what’s that?

AIMEE: My veggetti.

ME: Your what?

AIMEE: My veggetti!

ME: I’m not sure I want to see your veggetti.

AIMEE: It’s okay, I show my veggetti to everyone. It’s so easy. See, I just stick a zucchini in my veggetti and it’s go time.  Continue reading

So what if my son wears girl’s clothes

Okay, I have a confession to make and I’ve been feeling shitty about it all week. So last weekend was Zoey’s birthday party and she picked out a super cute pink sparkly leotard to wear for it. And then she picked out a super cute black one with neon designs for Holden to wear. Yup, she dressed our little boy up in a leotard and he came down those stairs ready to go as proud as I’ve ever seen him.

And what did I do? EXACTLY what I’ve always said I wouldn’t do. I convinced him to wear something else. I took like five of his favorites shirts out of his closet and basically convinced him to wear a different outfit.

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I just found out I might have breast cancer, and I’m scared shitless

 

ME: Hello?

RECEPTIONIST: Hi this is Dawn at Willow Hospital, I’m calling about your recent mammogram.

Insert stomach in throat.

ME: Yes?

RECEPTIONIST: We need you to come back in for a repeat mammogram. Let’s see, we don’t have any openings today. Let me look at Monday.

Trying not to freak out.

ME: Can you tell me why?

RECEPTIONIST: The doctor saw some asymmetrical breast tissue on your left breast that looks Continue reading

Mmmm, these cupcakes are SOOOOO moist

Holy crap, have you seen this picture circulating around the internet?!!

Anatomy Cookies

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Yo, crazy lady, you ain’t MY Nana

Dear Baby Sideburns,

My Mother-in-Law refers to herself as Nana when she emails me, leaves me voicemails, texts me, etc. She is not MY Nana! It’s driving me crazy. What should I do?

You’re the best.
Emily

Dear Emily,

Oh, I am SOOOOOO sorry you are going through this. I mean this is like my second biggest peeve. My first is when wives call their husbands Daddy. Because one minute you’re saying, “Daddy, can you get the diaper bag out of the car?” and the next minute it slips out of your mouth in bed and you’re accidentally saying, “Oh yes, yes, harder, Daddy, harder!” Ewwwwwwwy, yucky, gross, wrong, NO NO NO.

And it’s kind of the same thing for Nana. I mean not as disgusting and incesty, but still very very wrong.

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How to wax a hairy baby

Dear Baby Sideburns,

I feel bad saying this but my daughter is very hairy and has a unibrow already. She’s only two, but I’m wondering when you think it’s okay for me to “take care” of it. I know you can relate because you always say how hairy you are.

Sincerely,

Alyssa

Dear Alyssa,

Okay, here’s what you need to do. One night when your kiddo is like dead asleep (naturally or on Benadryl) just pop one of those sticky wax sheets

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Woman longs to eat her muffin top away

Dear Baby Sideburns,

I need some tips!!! For the first time post baby, I’ve been asked when my baby is due. For the record, I’m 5’5 160lb and slightly overweight, nothing out of the norm. And I’ve lost 25lb in the past year so to say I’m pissed is an understatement. I’d love to hear some great comebacks when a woman is mistaken for pregnant.

-Chelsey

Dear Chelsey,

First of all, congrats on losing 25 pounds!! That’s awesome. Second of all, oh no they di’n’t! What a dumbass. Next time that happens to you,

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Crying It Out is teaching your little a-Hole to deal with shit

Dear Baby Sideburns

Our eight month old still wakes us up constantly through the night. I was thinking about letting him cry it out but my friend says that’s mean. What do you think?

-Katie

Dear Katie,

Beep beep beep beep beep beep. You know what that’s the sound of? That’s the sound of my bullshit’o’meter going off. Unless your “friend” is going to

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