Okay, so lately I’ve noticed this trend. Tell me if you’ve seen it. All these people are starting to call their kiddos “a-holes” ever since I wrote my book I Heart My Little A-Holes.
Nahhh, just kidding, I have no idea if my book was the first to do it. Probably not, I rarely come up with an idea of my own. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery so when I see a great idea, I like to let the person know by copying the shit out of it. Anyways, I’m seeing people all over the place calling their young children a-holes. Huffington Post articles, other parenting books, a third example that I can’t think of right now.
So yesterday I get this email from Huff Post with like a shitload of recipes to make with Halloween candy.
“The best thing about having an overload of booty is that you can use it to make the following recipes.”
I mean I had NO IDEA this was a problem, did you??? Figuring out what to do with all that Halloween candy. Here I’ve been all this time standing behind the pantry door where the kids can’t see me shoveling giant fistfuls of M&Ms into my piehole, while trying not to let the brown drool ooze out from the corners of my mouth when they ask me what I’m eating and I answer, “Broccoli.”
But apparently, you’re not supposed to just eat it straight out of the plastic pumpkin. Apparently, you’re supposed to make something fancier out of it. See?
Awwww shit, as much as I like Facebook, sometimes I just want to kick it in the balls. Because these days I keep hearing the same damn thing: “Why isn’t Baby Sideburns showing up in my newsfeed?” Why? Because Facebook changed their algorithms, which means sometimes you’re gonna miss shit. Funny shit you don’t want to miss. Grrrrrr.
So I’m gonna start doing a Facebook recap on here. Not everything I posted that week, just the shit you guys liked the most. And maybe even a few things from Instagram too. That way if you missed something funny, you’ll see it in my weekly recap. So laugh at it, share it, say it sucks balls because you already saw it, whatever. And don’t forget to subscribe to this page (over there on the right where it says subscribe to blog >>>>) so you’re not missing anything. Because you probably are.
Dear Baby Sideburns,
My 5yr old came home today from pre-k and told me she has a boyfriend. WTF… I don’t know what to say. I kinda froze. I don’t know how to handle this. What would you say?
Awwwww shit, see, this is what happens when you don’t feed your kids organic shit and
Dear Baby Sideburns,
I’ve been told by an “expert” that I need to tell my 5 year old boy what his private part is called. I’ve avoided it until now. What on earth do we call his “tail” as he calls it?
Here are some names you can call it:
Hey, have you seen the totally rude post that a-hole mom wrote about Pinteresty moms who pack fancy lunches? This one. She must either be like a total super bitch or suffer from crazy low self-esteem.
Nahhhh, just kidding, that was meeee!!!
“Oh my God, this is the worst thing that could ever happen. Our lives are over and we will never be able to move on from this. How will we ever go on without that stupid F’ing $1 Spiderman balloon?”
Do you guys remember this picture from earlier this summer? When Holden’s Spiderman balloon floated away? Maybe you do or maybe you’re like me and have brainesia and don’t remember jack squat anymore. Anyways, as you can see it was pretty traumatic. And HILARIOUS. Uhhh, I mean devastating. But seriously, it was just a stupid balloon from the Dollar Tree and Zoey and Holden reacted like the world was on fire. I figured they would forget about it in a week or so and move on. Ennnh, wrong.
Holy crap, did you guys hear who is ROYALLY pissed off?! Elsa. Yup, that snow queen is mad as hell because Disney decided to keep her single at the end of Frozen. I mean yeah she totally agrees that it’s cool to teach little girls that women don’t NEED a man to be happy, but no one ever asked her if she wanted to be the poster child for strong single women.
Not only did she get cursed with the ability to freeze everything she touches, but she also got stuck being the spinster sister. How the hell is that fair? I mean here she is sitting at home all alone on a Saturday night accidentally freezing the Lean Cuisine she just microwaved, while her sister Anna is off in Hawaii on a sexy honeymoon with a buff ice chipper.
Okay, so Zoey just got her first (and hopefully last) American Girl Doll as a gift, and let me say this. HOLYYYYY SHIT am I in the WRONG business. I mean you know how they say a house is $XX per square foot? I think they should do the same for these dolls. This is Isabelle. She’s wearing a lovely floral frock that is $12 per square inch. Not really, but damn, this is more expensive than a meth habit. Not that I know how much a meth habit costs.
So a little while ago Zoey and Holden’s great grandparents were coming to visit and they asked me to buy presents for the kids so they wouldn’t have to schlep them on the plane.
I’m just gonna come right out and say it. I am a Disney person. No matter how F’ed up your life is, for at least the first few minutes when you’re walking down Main Street in Magic Kingdom you can’t help but be optimistic. I mean I’m not gonna lie and tell you all sorts of bullcrap about how it’s going to be 100% unicorny rainbows the whole time you’re there. Because kids are like ridiculous experts when it comes to throwing tantrums and being a-holey, especially when you’ve spent gazillions of dollars to have a good time. But I am gonna give you a few pointers on how to make your trip a little more magical