So what if my son wears girl’s clothes

Okay, I have a confession to make and I’ve been feeling shitty about it all week. So last weekend was Zoey’s birthday party and she picked out a super cute pink sparkly leotard to wear for it. And then she picked out a super cute black one with neon designs for Holden to wear. Yup, she dressed our little boy up in a leotard and he came down those stairs ready to go as proud as I’ve ever seen him.

And what did I do? EXACTLY what I’ve always said I wouldn’t do. I convinced him to wear something else. I took like five of his favorites shirts out of his closet and basically convinced him to wear a different outfit.

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I just found out I might have breast cancer, and I’m scared shitless

 

ME: Hello?

RECEPTIONIST: Hi this is Dawn at Willow Hospital, I’m calling about your recent mammogram.

Insert stomach in throat.

ME: Yes?

RECEPTIONIST: We need you to come back in for a repeat mammogram. Let’s see, we don’t have any openings today. Let me look at Monday.

Trying not to freak out.

ME: Can you tell me why?

RECEPTIONIST: The doctor saw some asymmetrical breast tissue on your left breast that looks Continue reading

Mmmm, these cupcakes are SOOOOO moist

Holy crap, have you seen this picture circulating around the internet?!!

Anatomy Cookies

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Yo, crazy lady, you ain’t MY Nana

Dear Baby Sideburns,

My Mother-in-Law refers to herself as Nana when she emails me, leaves me voicemails, texts me, etc. She is not MY Nana! It’s driving me crazy. What should I do?

You’re the best.
Emily

Dear Emily,

Oh, I am SOOOOOO sorry you are going through this. I mean this is like my second biggest peeve. My first is when wives call their husbands Daddy. Because one minute you’re saying, “Daddy, can you get the diaper bag out of the car?” and the next minute it slips out of your mouth in bed and you’re accidentally saying, “Oh yes, yes, harder, Daddy, harder!” Ewwwwwwwy, yucky, gross, wrong, NO NO NO.

And it’s kind of the same thing for Nana. I mean not as disgusting and incesty, but still very very wrong.

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How to wax a hairy baby

Dear Baby Sideburns,

I feel bad saying this but my daughter is very hairy and has a unibrow already. She’s only two, but I’m wondering when you think it’s okay for me to “take care” of it. I know you can relate because you always say how hairy you are.

Sincerely,

Alyssa

Dear Alyssa,

Okay, here’s what you need to do. One night when your kiddo is like dead asleep (naturally or on Benadryl) just pop one of those sticky wax sheets

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Woman longs to eat her muffin top away

Dear Baby Sideburns,

I need some tips!!! For the first time post baby, I’ve been asked when my baby is due. For the record, I’m 5’5 160lb and slightly overweight, nothing out of the norm. And I’ve lost 25lb in the past year so to say I’m pissed is an understatement. I’d love to hear some great comebacks when a woman is mistaken for pregnant.

-Chelsey

Dear Chelsey,

First of all, congrats on losing 25 pounds!! That’s awesome. Second of all, oh no they di’n’t! What a dumbass. Next time that happens to you,

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Crying It Out is teaching your little a-Hole to deal with shit

Dear Baby Sideburns

Our eight month old still wakes us up constantly through the night. I was thinking about letting him cry it out but my friend says that’s mean. What do you think?

-Katie

Dear Katie,

Beep beep beep beep beep beep. You know what that’s the sound of? That’s the sound of my bullshit’o’meter going off. Unless your “friend” is going to

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Yo Rug Rat, Keep Your Damn Food In Your Mouth

Dear Baby Sideburns,

Our 2.5 year old daughter keeps spitting her food and juice on the floor and in her toys. We have tried everything. I want to kill her lol. Have you ever encountered this and how did you handle it? I’m going fucking crazy lol. Thanks for keeping me sane with everything I’m thinking but don’t want to say! You’re wonderful.

-Liz

Dear Liz,

Based on the last two words of your message, I can tell that you’re brilliant, which makes me wonder why the hell you’re asking for MY advice. I mean my toddler throws tantrums constantly and my daughter keeps scratching her

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The Cockini–because apparently the fig leaf was too much coverage

Agggghhhh, my eyes my eyes! I think I’m blind! I just saw a picture of an old man wearing this, uhhh, dare I say bathing suit, and now I close my eyes and I still see the image of his wrinkly naked body on the back of my eyelids. I’m scarred for life. Seriously, the person who sent me this picture owes me money for therapy.

Cockini

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Shewee Female Urination Device–This thing has WTF written alllllll over it

Shewee

Okay, so in the past month I think I’ve gotten no fewer than 6,000,000 requests to write something on this weird product called the Shewee. Now if you don’t know what the Shewee is, good. I think that makes you normal. You can click on this link and check it out. It’s basically this plastic tube thingie you can put up to your hoo-ha to make it easier to pee in public places just like the way a guy pees. Yes siree Bob, call it what you will, a Shewee, a cock for your cockpit, a burrito for your taco, whatever you want, alls I know is whenever I think of a plastic peeper for my cooter, I’m thinking about something with batteries and this ain’t it. Let’s just say if a plastic peeper is getting near my hoo-ha, it’s not gonna be pointed away from it.

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