How to make your Elf on the Shelf go away for a little while

Ahhhhhhh, don’t you just lovvvvvve that feeling at the end of the day when you finally crawl into bed and the sheets feel so good on your skin and your pillow is so soft and nobody’s bothering you any– AGGHHH, FFFFFFFFFFF MEEEEEEE!!! I forgot to move that stupid Elf on the Shelf again.

Elf on the Shelf my ass. More like Elf on the microwave. Elf on the back of the toilet. Elf building a snowman out of cotton balls on the counter. Elf hanging from the light fixture but he keeps falling down but you keep trying over and over again until you finally say screw it and put him somewhere else. Yada yada F’ing yada.

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Woo-hoooo, the winner of the Messiest Dirtiest Photo Contest is…

Da da da daaaaaaaa!!!!! And now announcing the most awesome badass totally hilarious winners in the Messiest Dirtiest Kiddo Photo Contest!!! You came, you saw, you voted, and the winners are in. But wait, before I announce them, here is what each lucky winner will go home with.

Prize #1:

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Holiday gifts for teachers: how the heck do you know how much to give

Okay, so today I was talking with a friend about the gift cards we’re each giving to our kiddo’s teachers this holiday and I almost died when I said the amount out loud. It sounded so low. I mean shit, I spent more on the stoopid party favors for my rugrat’s birthday party. Yup, I spent more money on crappy cancer-causing plastic shit from China than I spent on my kid’s teacher.

After saying it, I wanted to take myself behind the building and beat the crap out of myself for being such an a-hole. But then I realized, it’s not too late!!! I can go back to the store and get another gift card with more on it!!

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Badadadadadada, it’s time to vote for the hilariously awesome finalists in the Messiest Dirtiest Kiddo Photo Contest

DirtyKidsCollage copy

Holy crap.

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What NOT to F’ing buy my kids this holiday


Dear Grammy, Grampy, Nana and Pop Pop,

Ahhh, yes, here we go again. The most wonderful time of the year. For you. For me it’s more like let’s see how much more crap I can fit in my house until TLC comes knocking at my door because they think I’m an F’ing hoarder. I know that you guys are about to jiz (giz???) in your pants you’re so excited about all the shit you can buy for your grandkids this holiday, but not so fast. Before you whip out your Amex/Target/Mastercards, check out this little list of “guidelines” I’ve made for you this year. The following is a list of presents NOT to buy my kids this holiday.

1. Anything alive. Because you know what happens to things that are alive? They die. And you know what sucks? Explaining to my kid why Fluffer Nutter the hamster is as hard as a rock and stuck in his tube. And you know what sucks even worse? Fucker Nutter living a healthy life for years and years to come. Because guess who has to clean his E coli-infested poop cage. Yours F’ing truly. As if wiping two asses besides my own isn’t enough already.

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Same-sex marriage: should we ban it in kindergarten

Okay, so lately I’ve learned that if I don’t ask Zoey a million questions after school, like super specific questions, I don’t learn jack shit about what she did that day. Like if I ask her, “How was P.E.?” I get a one-word answer like, “Fine.” But if I ask her “What did you make in art class today?” I get a longer answer like, “Mommm (insert ginormous eye-roll here), we didn’t have art class today.”

The other day she came running off the bus wearing a big veil and I asked, “What’s that?” And she said, “A veil.” Okay, let’s try this again. “Zoey, why are you wearing a veil with the letter “u” on it?” And she gave me a better answer. “Because today we had the wedding of ‘q’ and ‘u’.”

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Baby Sideburns’ Big Ole Hilarious Gift Guide that’s Full of a Bunch of AWESOME Shit


Ohhhh yeahhhh, it’s the first ever Baby Sideburns 2014 gift guide!!! A little half-assed, a lotta badass, and full of bunch of awesome shit that anyone would be psyched to find under the X-Mas tree, next to the Menorah, or beneath the Kwanzaa candles this year. Yup, check this shit out because it’s time to shop and here’s a little sumpin sumpin for everyone on your list!! And speaking of sumpin sumpin, let’s start this list off with a bang:

MJC International Men’s Generic Faux Denim Pajama Pant

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The Messiest Dirtiest Kiddo Photo Contest with a Totally Kickass Prize!!!

Okay, so I’m totally bummed. There’s this awesome photo contest but I don’t have a good picture for it. AGGGHHH, I have like 9 million pictures of my rugrats but none of them work for this!!! It’s being put on by Sterling, that cool brand by Kohler, do you know it? You’re supposed to enter the MESSIEST DIRTIEST picture of your kiddo and you can win this kickass prize (I’ll tell you about the prize after my borrring story), but my kid is like totally OCD and never gets messy.

Like I was SOOOOOO excited to get that awesome messy picture on her first birthday when she tried cake for the first time (I was clearly suffering from FTMS– First Time Mom Syndrome) but do you know what that little douchebunny did? She wouldn’t eat the cake!! Aggghhhh!!!

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24 NEW words to call our little A-Holes

Okay, so lately I’ve noticed this trend. Tell me if you’ve seen it. All these people are starting to call their kiddos “a-holes” ever since I wrote my book I Heart My Little A-Holes.

Nahhh, just kidding, I have no idea if my book was the first to do it. Probably not, I rarely come up with an idea of my own. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery so when I see a great idea, I like to let the person know by copying the shit out of it. Anyways, I’m seeing people all over the place calling their young children a-holes. Huffington Post articles, other parenting books, a third example that I can’t think of right now.

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Halloween candy recipes that are super EASY and better than anyone else’s

So yesterday I get this email from Huff Post with like a shitload of recipes to make with Halloween candy.

“The best thing about having an overload of booty is that you can use it to make the following recipes.”

I mean I had NO IDEA this was a problem, did you??? Figuring out what to do with all that Halloween candy. Here I’ve been all this time standing behind the pantry door where the kids can’t see me shoveling giant fistfuls of M&Ms into my piehole, while trying not to let the brown drool ooze out from the corners of my mouth when they ask me what I’m eating and I answer, “Broccoli.”

But apparently, you’re not supposed to just eat it straight out of the plastic pumpkin. Apparently, you’re supposed to make something fancier out of it. See?

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