What NOT to do when your hubby gets a hole in his underwear

Heyyyy, here’s something really hilarious to do that will make you laugh but will NOT make your husband laugh at all.

HUBBY: (PROUD) Look, the hole in my underwear’s getting bigger!

ME: I think it’s time to throw them out.

HUBBY: No way.

ME: You’re about to start popping out of that hole.

HUBBY: I was a little last night when I was sleeping.

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Dear God, pleeeeeease don’t let my kiddo be racist

Okay, so the other day I experienced something awesome. Yeah yeah yeah, I know you’re used to me spouting off alllllll the bad shit that happens in our house on a daily basis, but last week Zoey and I had a GMO (girls morning out) and holy crap did some amazing stuff happen.

I mean most Sunday mornings I’m like honey can you watch the kids and then I pretend to poop for like two hours while really I sit there reading People Magazine and getting ring around the tushy, but this Sunday Holden had a birthday party and I could either hang out in a crowded room with a bunch of tired dads while I beg my kiddo not to touch me with his nasty frosting fingers (can we pleeeeease make red frosting illegal???), or I could take Zoey for the morning. And even though I bitch and moan about both my kiddos, I picked Zoey because she never has pee-pee accidents anymore and she likes the quiet. Like seriously, yesterday in the car she asked me to turn off the music and I was like uhhh, okay, sure.

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Dear Tinkerbell, where the F were you last night

Awwww shit, I kinda F’ed up this morning. So a buncha nights ago Zoey made this picture of Peter Pan and Tinkerbell and then she put it on her nightstand.

PeterPanPicture

I had no idea she actually made them FOR Peter and Tink (no, I’m not on a first name basis with them, I’m just too lazy to type their whole names every time). I mean she does this shit alllllllll all the time but if she doesn’t tell me, I don’t even notice because like I said, she’s done this like 9, 000 times.

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Here, fishy fishy fishy, ewwww wait, not THAT close

Okay, so I feel like whenever we go on vacation, there’s always like that one magical moment (of course once you have kids, it’s sandwiched between 10,000 shitty moments). Like when my hubby and I went on our honeymoon, there was this time our sailboat was surrounded by hundreds of spinner dolphins leaping out of the water all around us. Or the time we went to the Dominican Republic and my masseuse full-on massaged my boobs. Seriously, it was a couples massage and I was dying to yell to my hubby who was lying next to me with his eyes closed, “Check this shit out, she’s rubbing my nipples!!!” But I digress. Anyways, last week we went to Florida and we had one of those moments.

We were walking down the beach with the kiddos when suddenly there was all this bright silver flashing all over the surface of the water. Everyone on the beach literally stopped what they were doing and watched together. “Look, there it is!” And then it stopped, and then it was there again, and then it stopped and then it was there again, and so on and so on. It took us all about thirty seconds to figure out what we were seeing.

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Happy Last Minute Shopping Day! So many stores, so little time

In honor of the last day of shopping before that fat guy takes credit for all the shit you came up with and worked so hard to pay for and then spent like a million hours wrapping because they all came in abnormally shaped boxes that suck. Wait, I don’t think that was a complete sentence, but I lost my train of thought. Anyways, in honor of this big-ass shopping day, here are a few thoughts about some of my favorite and least favorite stores to shop at.

Tarjayyyyy

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What you SHOULD F’ing buy my kids this holiday

So now that I’ve pretty much nixed every present out there because they’re all so annoying, all these blue-haired grannies are on my ass asking me what the hell they should buy their grandpoopers. Welcome to my world, Nanas. Sucks ass, doesn’t it? Anyways, let’s skip all the intro crap (translation: I’m lazy) and get to the good stuff.

Dear Grammy, Grampy, Nana and Pop Pop,

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Dear kiddo, when you start to doubt the whole Santa Claus thing, just STFU

Lately I’ve heard a lot of my friends with older kids complaining that their kids are starting to question the whole Santa Claus thing. Ordinarily I’d be like you suck because your kids are out of diapers and go to school all day so WTH are you complaining about, but in the spirit of the holidays, Merry Christmas, and don’t say I never got you anything. Here’s a little something to share with your doubting hooligans:

Dear kid who’s starting to doubt the whole Santa Claus thing,

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How to make your Elf on the Shelf go away for a little while

Ahhhhhhh, don’t you just lovvvvvve that feeling at the end of the day when you finally crawl into bed and the sheets feel so good on your skin and your pillow is so soft and nobody’s bothering you any– AGGHHH, FFFFFFFFFFF MEEEEEEE!!! I forgot to move that stupid Elf on the Shelf again.

Elf on the Shelf my ass. More like Elf on the microwave. Elf on the back of the toilet. Elf building a snowman out of cotton balls on the counter. Elf hanging from the light fixture but he keeps falling down but you keep trying over and over again until you finally say screw it and put him somewhere else. Yada yada F’ing yada.

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Woo-hoooo, the winner of the Messiest Dirtiest Photo Contest is…

Da da da daaaaaaaa!!!!! And now announcing the most awesome badass totally hilarious winners in the Messiest Dirtiest Kiddo Photo Contest!!! You came, you saw, you voted, and the winners are in. But wait, before I announce them, here is what each lucky winner will go home with.

Prize #1:

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Holiday gifts for teachers: how the heck do you know how much to give

Okay, so today I was talking with a friend about the gift cards we’re each giving to our kiddo’s teachers this holiday and I almost died when I said the amount out loud. It sounded so low. I mean shit, I spent more on the stoopid party favors for my rugrat’s birthday party. Yup, I spent more money on crappy cancer-causing plastic shit from China than I spent on my kid’s teacher.

After saying it, I wanted to take myself behind the building and beat the crap out of myself for being such an a-hole. But then I realized, it’s not too late!!! I can go back to the store and get another gift card with more on it!!

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