Ummmm, yeahhh, so I’m supposed to have a bunch of Girl Scout cookies lying around and not eat them, bwhahahahahahha

Yayyyyyy, Girl Scout cookies are in!!!!


Dear Mrs. So-and-So,

Continue reading

AGGGHHH, why won’t my toddler sleep through the night already??!!!

Awww shit, there it is, the sound of Holden’s feet getting out of bed and coming down the hallway. Yeah yeah yeah, I know that the pitter-patter of little feet is supposed to be all adorable and shit, but I’ll tell you when it’s NOT adorable. When it’s three in the mother F’ing morning!!! AGGGHHHH, GO BACK TO BEDDDD!!!!

And to make it even worse my hubby is sleeping through it right now and I know since I’m awake I should be the one to bring Holden back to his room, but this totally isn’t fair because I brought him back to bed two hours ago and it’s not my turn again. So screw that.

Continue reading

No offense but here’s a bunch of stuff I like to ask before my kid plays at your house

Awwww shit, my kiddo just got invited to Cinderella’s house for a play date but I have no F’ing idea who Cinderella’s parents are or what goes on in their house. I mean yeah, they live around the corner so it seems safe enough but so does the totally creepy lady who vacuums her lawn in disgusting old shorts that show off her vajayjay every time she bends over. So who’s to say neighbors are always safe?

Anyways, don’t get me wrong, I totally appreciate Cinderella’s parents taking my little douchenugget for the afternoon so I can get all sorts of shit done (like pretending I’m going to vacuum but running out of time because I’ve wasted too much time eating snacks and surfing Facebook). However, my precious kid cannot be replaced so whenever I send her to a new house where I don’t really know what goes on there, I get the nervous poops.

Continue reading

I just got my kiddo’s school pictures back and all I can say is WTF

Yayyyy, school pictures are in!!! SCHOOL PICTURES ARE IN!!! I mean uhhhh, yeah, I’m cool. I’ll just calmly walk to my car and open them in the front seat where no one can see my reaction.

I don’t know WHAT it is about school pictures that makes me so excited. I take like 9,000 better pictures of Holden every day on my phone, and they’re wayyy cuter than the totally lame-o picture of him sitting in front of a random blue background. See?


Continue reading

Awww crap, look what my kindergartener wants to do to her hair

Okay, so every morning when we wake up and get ready, I pretty much always mutter WTF when Zoey picks out her outfit. Like here are a few that stand out in my mind.

CandyCaneOutiftZoeyHookerOutiftZoeyOutfit21(1) ZoeyOutfit3 ZoeyOutfit ZoeySanta

When I drop her off at school I see girls everywhere wearing these super cute matchy-matchy outfits and here I am wishing I brought along my bullhorn so I can make a public service announcement to the world.

Continue reading

Dear Baby Sideburns, you are NOT totally cray cray about this measles thing, and here’s the proof

(a phone call I just had this afternoon)

NURSE: Hi, is this Mrs. Alpert?

ME: It is.

NURSE: You called to see if your kids are up-to-date with their MMR vaccines?

ME: Yes.

NURSE: It looks like Holden had his first one, but he can’t get the second one until he’s four.

ME: Alright, that’s what I thought.

Continue reading

Dear Mom who decided not to vaccinate her kid against the measles

Yeah, I’m going there. I mean when I put up a picture of my kid in his car seat wearing a puffy coat, I had NOOOOOOO idea the kind of ruckus that would explode. But I’m writing this knowing full well that vaccination shit is a TOUCHY subject and that some people might get their panties in a bunch reading this.

After seeing the news about the recent outbreak of measles in Disneyland, it took me a few days to muster up enough courage to “go there” on my blog, but you know what I finally decided. F that. As I learned from a very important book (Five-Minute Spiderman Stories), with great power comes great responsibility. And hell if I’m gonna stand by and watch sweet little innocent kiddos get sick and die and have other shitty lifelong problems because of a few selfish jerkwads.

Continue reading

Mmmm, Girl Scout cookies are F’ing awesome but here’s why they suck

Okay, so here’s the thing. Zoey is selling Girl Scout cookies. Now if you follow my Facebook page, you might know who’s really selling them. Yours F’ing truly. Here’s the post if you didn’t see it on Facebook. You can skip to the next part if you already read it.

Woo-hooo, Zoey is selling Girl Scout cookies!!

Continue reading

Do you know how F’ing HARD it is to pack my kids up for school?!!!

Here is a list of alllllll the shit I had to pack for the rugrats this morning:

Zoey’s backpack

Zoey’s lunch

Zoey’s snack

Zoey’s second snack

Zoey’s snow pants

Extra pair of shoes for her

Zoey’s mittens

Zoey’s hat

Zoey’s folder

Continue reading

Thanks to Martin Luther King Jr., my daughter might be able to hunt zombies with her wife one day

ZOEY: Is tomorrow the weekend?

ME: Nope, but there’s no school because it’s a holiday.

ZOEY: Yay!

ME: Do you remember what holiday it is?

ZOEY: Yes. It’s that king’s day.

ME: He’s not really a king. His last name is King.

ZOEY: Right Arthur Lunar King.

ME: Martin Luther King.

Continue reading