The veggetti–My friend just showed me hers. Awwwkward

ME: Hey Aimee,what’s that? AIMEE: My veggetti. ME: Your what? AIMEE: My veggetti! ME: I’m not sure I want to see your veggetti. AIMEE: It’s okay, I show my veggetti to everyone. It’s so easy. See, I just stick a zucchini in my veggetti and it’s go time. 

I just found out I might have breast cancer, and I’m scared shitless

  ME: Hello? RECEPTIONIST: Hi this is Nancy at Willow Hospital, I’m calling about your recent mammogram. Insert stomach in throat. ME: Yes? RECEPTIONIST: We need you to come back in for a repeat mammogram. Let’s see, we don’t have any openings today. Let me look at Monday. Trying not to freak out. ME: Can you tell…

Yo, crazy lady, you ain’t MY Nana

Dear Baby Sideburns, My Mother-in-Law refers to herself as Nana when she emails me, leaves me voicemails, texts me, etc. She is not MY Nana! It’s driving me crazy. What should I do? You’re the best. Emily Dear Emily, Oh, I am SOOOOOO sorry you are going through this. I mean this is like my…

How to wax a hairy baby

Dear Baby Sideburns, I feel bad saying this but my daughter is very hairy and has a unibrow already. She’s only two, but I’m wondering when you think it’s okay for me to “take care” of it. I know you can relate because you always say how hairy you are. Sincerely, Alyssa Dear Alyssa, Okay,…

Woman longs to eat her muffin top away

Dear Baby Sideburns, I need some tips!!! For the first time post baby, I’ve been asked when my baby is due. For the record, I’m 5’5 160lb and slightly overweight, nothing out of the norm. And I’ve lost 25lb in the past year so to say I’m pissed is an understatement. I’d love to hear some…

Crying It Out is teaching your little a-Hole to deal with shit

Dear Baby Sideburns Our eight month old still wakes us up constantly through the night. I was thinking about letting him cry it out but my friend says that’s mean. What do you think? -Katie Dear Katie, Beep beep beep beep beep beep. You know what that’s the sound of? That’s the sound of my…

Yo Rug Rat, Keep Your Damn Food In Your Mouth

Dear Baby Sideburns, Our 2.5 year old daughter keeps spitting her food and juice on the floor and in her toys. We have tried everything. I want to kill her lol. Have you ever encountered this and how did you handle it? I’m going fucking crazy lol. Thanks for keeping me sane with everything I’m…

The Cockini–because apparently the fig leaf was too much coverage

Agggghhhh, my eyes my eyes! I think I’m blind! I just saw a picture of an old man wearing this, uhhh, dare I say bathing suit, and now I close my eyes and I still see the image of his wrinkly naked body on the back of my eyelids. I’m scarred for life. Seriously, the…