1. I want to take a nice long bath. But I don’t want the bathtub filled with water. I want it filled with melted chocolate and surrounded by romantic candles so I can roast marshmallows and dip them into the tub. 2. I want an unconditional get-out-of-jail-free card. If I murder someone because they’re…
Dear camp directors, I’m worried. Like seriously worried. I mean you’re supposed to be taking care of my precious kiddos every day, but I’m questioning your sobriety. Nahhh, not our bus driver. She rocks the Casbah. But I’m seriously worried that the people who are in charge at camp are smoking something. Because I…
I miss my old kitchen. Shhhhhh, don’t tell my hubby. He would KILLLLL me if he heard me say that. He’d be like WTF, we spent all that money and dealt with all those headaches and you’re not grateful? No, schnookiepants, I AM grateful. I love our new kitchen. But I miss my old kitchen.…
Dear bully who left a note in Zoey’s desk today that said “You are stupid,” and then another one later in the day that said “You are dumb,” I know the teacher sat down the entire class to tell you all how wrong this was and to see if anyone would fess up. Of course…
Dear annoying million-questions mom, Okay, so I get it. All of our kids are starting kindergarten next year for the first time. It’s new. It’s scary. But when we go to an informational session about it, do you seriously need to ask SOOOOO many questions??? The teachers are like are there any more questions,…
So something kinda weird just happened. I popped into this store to buy a birthday present and the lady’s like can I help you find anything? So I tell her I’m just looking for a present for someone, and she says who’s it for? I say it’s for an eight-year-old girl. And she says, what’s her name?…
Do you have these cups? Everyone I know has these cups. They’re from IKEA which means they’re super cheap and awesome. Except for one thing. I can’t help from paying attention to which color I’m giving to the kids. I know, I know, I’m not supposed to teach them that color matters, and I’m just…
I know it just seems like a stupid Hallmark holiday. But it’s MY Hallmark holiday. 364 days of the year are devoted to YOU. All I’m asking for is one teeny tiny little day. I don’t need a lot. Just a card or a slice of toast in bed. Heck, I’ll even take a slice…
We ran out of toilet paper. Yayyyyy! Time for a Target run! It was starting to drizzle a little so thank God for Target’s complimentary valet parking. I got that new guy again, the one who looks like Channing Tatum. His chest was extra glisteny in the rain today and super tan. I guess…
Dear Holden, We are rich. With happiness. No, I know that’s not what you meant when you looked at the new house two doors down from us and said you wish we had THAT house. Duh, I mean look at it. It’s like three or four stories with a three-car garage, practically has turrets, and…