1. Trophies really meant something Like I had to be in ballet for five years before I got a participation trophy. FIVE!!! And sports trophies came in different sizes so that the person who got first place got a bigger trophy than second and third. Duh, reality. 2. Birthday parties were low-key
1. Teach her how to look in the mirror and see a person, not a face. 2. Teach her that a little chocolate is okay. A little pizza is okay. And a little body fat is okay too. 3. Teach her that friends are like columns. You can lean on them all you want, but…
So I was out to dinner the other night and there was this woman sitting a few tables away with her baby who was being a total douchenugget. I mean yeah, babies are often douchenuggets, but this one wouldn’t stop screaming and the mom was trying desperately to make her stop and you could tell…
1. Don’t tell me my kids are growing up so fast. No shit Sherlock. I’m like Zappos’s best customer on earth. And every time you tell me, it drives the stake into my heart a little more. 2. Don’t tell me I’m buckling my car seats wrong. If you don’t tell me how to buckle…
Today something amazing happened. Something really amazing. It all began when my family and I went to do a volunteer project. Just to set the scene, we were helping clean and sort toys and clothing and school supplies for thousands of impoverished kids in Chicago. My family was assigned to the toys section.
ME: I am soooo NOT looking forward to packing the whole family for our vacation. HUBBY: Want me to do it? Grrrrrr. The only reason he offers to pack is to get brownie points because he knows there’s no way I would ever let him pack for us. Why? Because I prefer spending our…
Yesterday our kids were being jerks. Little a-holes. Douchenuggets. And yes Miss Trolly McTrollypants, I know you think I suck for calling them those things, but it’s true. They were. All day long they fought and fought and fought. And the few seconds they weren’t fighting, they were constantly asking us for shit. Can I…
July 4th. It’s not about parades. It’s not about fireworks. It’s not about picnics or BBQs or long days at the pool or baseball games or carnivals. It’s about this. Celebrating this awesome country and all of the people that make it possible. And it’s pretty F’ing amazing if you think about it. There was…
1. I want to take a nice long bath. But I don’t want the bathtub filled with water. I want it filled with melted chocolate and surrounded by romantic candles so I can roast marshmallows and dip them into the tub. 2. I want an unconditional get-out-of-jail-free card. If I murder someone because they’re…
Dear camp directors, I’m worried. Like seriously worried. I mean you’re supposed to be taking care of my precious kiddos every day, but I’m questioning your sobriety. Nahhh, not our bus driver. She rocks the Casbah. But I’m seriously worried that the people who are in charge at camp are smoking something. Because I…