OMG, so last week I was scared. Shitless. My period was two days late. Not really but stupid February only has 28 days and it threw me all off. And for 48 hours I was convinced I was preggers. For the first 47 hours I panicked, but by the 48th hour I had convinced myself…
Zoey is pissed. Pisssssssssed. I got to order a bunch of stuff from thredUP (the most badass online consignment store!) and I only bought stuff for myself and I didn’t get anything for her. How dare I think about myself for the first time in seven years!! And now she is insisting that I share…
*”thredUP” SWEEPSTAKES OFFICIAL RULES *NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. A PURCHASE OR PAYMENT OF ANY KIND WILL NOT INCREASE YOUR CHANCES OF WINNING. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW ELIGIBILITY:The “thredUP” Sweepstakes (“Sweepstakes”) is open only to legal residents of the fifty (50) United States and the District of Columbia (void in Puerto Rico,…
Dear friend who sells LuLaRoe leggings (or is it LuluRa or LoLaRu, I can’t F’ing remember), You’re smart. You know better than to ask me to host one of your parties. But the other day you were even more brilliant than I knew. You had leggings with scary clowns on them and for some…
So the other day I was having a girls’ day with my daughter Zoey and we were in the restroom together and she saw the tampon machine on the wall and asked me what it was (she sees anything with a coin slot and automatically thinks treats are gonna come out). Because I was totally…
Now that we have kids, vacations are not vacations anymore. They’re basically just a way to spend nine million dollars to be trapped inside a small metal capsule with two douchenuggets for hours only to arrive in a faraway land where the beds are smaller and sleep sucks donkey butt and I eat so much that…
1. When you play any game, never ever keep score. If someone’s a winner, someone else has to be a loser, and you don’t want to teach your kid how to be a loser, do you? Losing in Chutes and Ladders has been known to cause a lifetime of failed marriages and binge eating. 2. If…
Swish swish swish. What is that noise? Swish swish swish swish, WHAT is that??? Oh, wait a sec, I know. It’s my thighs. Awwwesome. Yup, my thighs make a noise when I walk. And if you don’t know WTF I’m talking about, please stop reading this now because you must be one of those women whose thighs…
Dear Thing 1, Thing 2 and my hubby, I LOVE you guys. Like I LOVVVVVVVVE you. But even though I love you more than life itself, sometimes I just need a break. Not like a six-night trip to the Caribbean (although that would be amazing). Just a wee little bit of “alone” time. Because…
This is not political. This is personal. You see these two faces? These are the faces behind the Affordable Care Act (aka Obamacare). That’s right. My sweet kids Zoey and Holden are on Obamacare. And so are me and my husband. And I am scared shitless right now. Years ago before Obamacare, we applied for…