Dear Family, I am sorry. Like really REALLY sorry. I don’t know what is wrong with me. One minute I’m pouring Cheerios into a bowl and the next minute I’ve turned into some scary-ass hybrid of Stephen King’s Cujo and Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. It’s like there’s this little switch inside my brain…
1. I want a plexiglass divider in my car like they have in limousines. These stupid car companies are all braggy like, “Our minivan was designed by a woman.” And I’m like yeah, brainfarter, maybe she has a vajayjay, but I’ll tell you what she doesn’t have. Two rugrats screaming at the top of their…
So yesterday I had CNN on and I usually try to turn it off when the kids come in because it’s full of scary shit like Syria and Isis and gun-wielding maniacs, but it was talking about the presidential candidates so I left it on and the kids started watching. Now Zoey is ecstatic about the…
So this is how it all begins. ME: What’s the matter, buddy? Did you have a bad dream? HOLDEN: My tushy itches. ME: Awww, I’m sorry. In the morning I’ll take a look. I mean yeah, I know I should probably take him into the bathroom right now but it’s 3AM and I don’t really…
So I know some of those Muffy McPerfects are all braggy braggy that they never let their rugrats watch TV, but not me. No way no how. Because TV F’ing rocks and I let my kiddos watch TV all the time. Wanna know why? Here you go. I have conducted my own scientific study and…
So I know this is going to come as a complete surprise to you, but I’m like a total Super Mom… when someone else’s kid is at my house. I don’t know why, but for some reason when someone else’s rugrat comes over to play, I feel this crazy need to impress them. Maybe it’s…
Awwww shit. I F’ed up. Like I went against all my own rules and did something totally stupid and now I’m pissed at myself. So Zoey plays soccer. Correction, Zoey puts on a uniform, stands on the field and runs around once in a while but rarely kicks the ball and is usually making funny…
Okay, so the other day I went to an apple orchard with my kiddos and you’re not gonna believe what happened. And yeah, I know I posted this on Facebook the other day, but I have more to say about it now. So if you already read this, just skim the italicized story and jump down to…
Deep breath, deep breath, deep breath. It’ll grow back. Whatever it looks like, it’s okay. It’s just hair. Agghhhh, but that’s not how I feel. It’s not JUST hair!! Zoey has the most awesome hair. I mean I know I’m a smidge biased, but seriously, I would KILL for hair like hers. It started out…
Okay, so now that Zoey is in kindergarten I have to pack her lunch for school, which is like the hardest thing on earth because she doesn’t eat jack shit. Well, she eats peanut butter but we can’t pack that because it might kill a kid, and I’m not really into killing children. Well, besides my own…