I want to pummel nannies who do this

  Dear nanny talking on your cell phone, Okay, so last Tuesday I took my kiddos to the Children’s Museum and I saw you three times that day. The first time was on our way there when I pulled up next to you at a traffic light. There you were yapping on your cell phone in…

Nine things I wish someone told me before I had my first baby

1. Sleep now. Like seriously, think of yourself as a bear and this is your only chance to hibernate because as soon as little Miss Poopie Pants arrives, you might not get 8 straight hours of sleep in like, hmmm, I don’t know, maybe forever. 2. Breastfeeding sucks. No pun intended. Eventually it’s pretty amazing…

Dear kid who I just saw being bullied outside Noodles and Company,

Dear kid who I just saw being bullied outside Noodles and Company, I heard what those a-hole kids said to you and I just wanted to tell you something. Yeah, I know I’m just some random grownup who really doesn’t know WTF you go through every day, so maybe you don’t even want to listen to…

The new Cinderella movie: a half-assed review about a kickass movie

ZOEY: Mom, where are we going?! ME: It’s a surprise!! ZOEY: Noooo, tell me. ME: It’s a surprise!! ZOEY: Fine, just give me a hint. ME: Okay, put one shoe on and we can go. ZOEY: Ugggh, Mom, where are we going?!!! ME: I said put ONE shoe on and we can go! ZOEY: Mommm,…

Dear Brand New Mom

Dear brand new mom, Let me start by saying this. You are not: Crazy Alone Doing a bad job Remember when you were scared about giving birth and you told yourself it’s okay, millions of women have done it before me? Well, millions of women have felt exactly the way you feel right now. No,…

This playdate is gonna be AWESOMMME!!!!

Dear other mom who I just invited over for a playdate, I’m super excited to have you over so we can try to ignore our children and actually have a conversation for once, but I wanted to let you know a few things first: 1. Don’t be appalled if my house is a mess when you get here.…

Being a mom is the hardest job on earth, so why don’t we get paid

Okay, you know what I hate more than anything? Well, not ANYTHING. I mean I hate a few things more. Like Hitler. And olives. But I digress. Do you know what I hate a whole lot? When I’m standing there with my rugrats and someone asks me if I work. Duhh, do you think these poop…