Remember the good ole days? B.K. Nahhh, I don’t mean Burger King. Shit, now I totally have a hankering for some greasy onion rings. And did I just use the word hankering? Apparently I’ve turned into a seventy-year-old farmer. Anyways, B.K. means Before Kids. And I can’t believe I thought I had it hard back…
Dear Hubby, I owe you a big-ass apology. Nahhh, not for throwing away your fugly acid-washed jeans when you weren’t looking. You should be thanking me for that. But I need to say I’m sorry for a bunch of other shit I’ve done. Like last night, for example. So you know how Holden woke…
Yo rugrat, I love you. A lot. And I lovvvvvve spending time with you. And sometimes that means hanging out together and playing fun games like Spiderman versus Darth Vader, but sometimes that means dragging you to the grocery store. And I know that kinda sucks but life isn’t all unicorns pooping rainbows. So the next time…
Dear lady who’s bottle-feeding her newborn in Starbucks right now, Yeah, I saw that. That group of women in the chairs who just gave you a disapproving look when you whipped out the bottle. Now mayyybe they just don’t approve of the donut you’re eating. Or maybe they don’t like your outfit. But I’m…
AGGGHHHHH, so this morning something really gross happened. I mean it’s not like gross shit isn’t always happening in my house, but this was even grosser than usual and kinda funny but not really funny at all. So like every morning Holden wakes up at the ass-crack of dawn and does what he always does.…
Don’t you just love when someone comes up to you and tells YOU how to parent YOUR child? Sometimes it’s a random stranger on the street and sometimes it’s a random a-hole in your family. Anyways, until now, I’ve just smiled and nodded my head. But screw that. From now on, here are ten things…
Awwww shit, I F’ed up. Again. So a couple of weeks ago, Zoey wrote a note to Tinkerbell’s friend Periwinkle and she left it on her nightstand for the ice fairy to pick up. Okay, this part isn’t my fault because she failed to mention this to me, and since her room looks like an…
Dear hubby, Do you see what I’m doing? Yup, I have a runny nose and at the same exact time I’m getting other shit done. Wanna know why? Because it’s a cold. An itty-bitty tiny cold that makes me feel a little crappy, but what’re you gonna do? No, I’m serious, what are YOU…
Dear Zoey’s School, So the other day Zoey came home with something in her folder that made me do a double-take. This. I have to say, it made me pause. I mean, hellloooo, have you been watching the news? Didn’t you see that two Muslim people in California just shot and killed fourteen people…
AGGGHHHHH, I am 200% convinced that Zoey is about to get her period because she is acting like such a %$@*&-rag!! Yeah, I know she’s only six, but they say kids are hitting puberty earlier and earlier these days, so she could be, right? Like yesterday I didn’t bring her a snack when I picked…