The day Zoey cut her own, agghhh I almost can’t type it, hair

Deep breath, deep breath, deep breath. It’ll grow back. Whatever it looks like, it’s okay. It’s just hair. Agghhhh, but that’s not how I feel. It’s not JUST hair!! Zoey has the most awesome hair. I mean I know I’m a smidge biased, but seriously, I would KILL for hair like hers. It started out…

Holy crap do I suck at making school lunches

Holy crap do I suck at making school lunches

Okay, so now that Zoey is in kindergarten I have to pack her lunch for school, which is like the hardest thing on earth because she doesn’t eat jack shit. Well, she eats peanut butter but we can’t pack that because it might kill a kid, and I’m not really into killing children. Well, besides my own…

SlumberCloud Sweepstakes Rules

  * “SlumberCloud” SWEEPSTAKES OFFICIAL RULES *NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. A PURCHASE OR PAYMENT OF ANY KIND WILL NOT INCREASE YOUR CHANCES OF WINNING. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW ELIGIBILITY: The “SlumberCloud” Sweepstakes (“Sweepstakes”) is open only to legal residents of the fifty (50) United States and the District of Columbia (void…

What NOT to do if your son’s soccer team gets PINK uniforms

  Dear parents who totally suck and should be ashamed of themselves, Yeah, I heard about what you did. One of my readers sent me an email telling me allllll about it, and I am mortified by your behavior. Seriously, un-flippin’-believable. But I’m not a total jerkwad and I know there are two sides to…

Target is not the store of my dreams. YET.

OMFG, I am SOOOOO excited!!! It’s like Target came to my room one night, saw me down on my knees and decided to literally answer my prayers. Did you hear about this?! Supposedly Target is building a new store in Chicago WITH A BAR IN IT!!!! Eeeeeks!! Yup, as in you can walk up to a counter, order…

The day my daughter WON the locker battle (Win a $250 Gift Card!!!!)

Okay, can we talk? And by we I mean me because this is my blog so that means I talk until the comments section where you can decide whether you want to say something nice like “heyyy, this post is totally awesome” or something doucehbaggy like “wahhhh, I lost my funny bone and now I…

What to do when your family is being ungrateful suckwads

  ZOEY: Mom, this car is super messy. You should clean it. ME: Excuse me? Let’s just say she’s lucky she‘s lucky I didn’t make her lick it clean because I was tempted to. Anyways, this is the story of my life. My family hardly ever notices anything I do for them and then when…

I hope you’re having a boy baby and not a girl

Okay, so yesterday I was sitting with my college roomie and she’s about to have her first baby and I am sooooooo excited for her. But that bitch isn’t finding out whether they’re having a boy or a girl. Aggghhhhh!!! How can you do this to me?!!! I mean how am I supposed to buy…

Just a little story about why I wish I had a penis

Agghhhh, so we went camping this weekend and holy shit, allllllll night long someone was waking us up. First it was my friend’s kid who was like wahhhhhh, I have to go to the bathroom. Then it was Zoey who was like wahhhhh, I can’t sleep. But little did I know who would keep me…