My four-year-old knows a bully when he sees one

  Dear Unnamed Presidential Candidate, So yesterday I had the news on in the kitchen when my four-year-old came into the room. Now since the news was talking about the presidential race and not something scary like war or murder or missing airplanes, I left it on. I like that my kids are learning a…

I HATE my wrinkles and gray hair and all the other shit that’s happening to my body

You know what I’m so sick of? Reading these bullshit interviews from celebrities who are all pollyanna optimistists about getting older and looking crappier. They’re all, “Ooooh, I love my wrinkles and gray hair. They’re badges of honor.” Ennnh, ennnh, ennnh. What’s that the sound of? That, my amigos, is the sound of my bullshit…

Aggghhhh, why do I look like crap now?! Oh yeah, that’s why

Remember the good ole days? B.K. Nahhh, I don’t mean Burger King. Shit, now I totally have a hankering for some greasy onion rings. And did I just use the word hankering? Apparently I’ve turned into a seventy-year-old farmer. Anyways, B.K. means Before Kids. And I can’t believe I thought I had it hard back…

Dear Hubby, in my defense I was only half awake

  Dear Hubby, I owe you a big-ass apology. Nahhh, not for throwing away your fugly acid-washed jeans when you weren’t looking. You should be thanking me for that. But I need to say I’m sorry for a bunch of other shit I’ve done. Like last night, for example. So you know how Holden woke…

Why bottle-feeding might actually be the best choice for some people

  Dear lady who’s bottle-feeding her newborn in Starbucks right now, Yeah, I saw that. That group of women in the chairs who just gave you a disapproving look when you whipped out the bottle. Now mayyybe they just don’t approve of the donut you’re eating. Or maybe they don’t like your outfit. But I’m…

Why my pillow smells like butt

AGGGHHHHH, so this morning something really gross happened. I mean it’s not like gross shit isn’t always happening in my house, but this was even grosser than usual and kinda funny but not really funny at all. So like every morning Holden wakes up at the ass-crack of dawn and does what he always does.…

Here’s a genius idea: you raise your kid and I’ll raise mine

Don’t you just love when someone comes up to you and tells YOU how to parent YOUR child? Sometimes it’s a random stranger on the street and sometimes it’s a random a-hole in your family. Anyways, until now, I’ve just smiled and nodded my head. But screw that. From now on, here are ten things…

Help, my hubby has Ebola!!!! Oh no, wait, it’s just a man cold

  Dear hubby, Do you see what I’m doing? Yup, I have a runny nose and at the same exact time I’m getting other shit done. Wanna know why? Because it’s a cold. An itty-bitty tiny cold that makes me feel a little crappy, but what’re you gonna do? No, I’m serious, what are YOU…