Dear parents who totally suck and should be ashamed of themselves, Yeah, I heard about what you did. One of my readers sent me an email telling me allllll about it, and I am mortified by your behavior. Seriously, un-flippin’-believable. But I’m not a total jerkwad and I know there are two sides to…
OMFG, I am SOOOOO excited!!! It’s like Target came to my room one night, saw me down on my knees and decided to literally answer my prayers. Did you hear about this?! Supposedly Target is building a new store in Chicago WITH A BAR IN IT!!!! Eeeeeks!! Yup, as in you can walk up to a counter, order…
Okay, can we talk? And by we I mean me because this is my blog so that means I talk until the comments section where you can decide whether you want to say something nice like “heyyy, this post is totally awesome” or something doucehbaggy like “wahhhh, I lost my funny bone and now I…
ZOEY: Mom, this car is super messy. You should clean it. ME: Excuse me? Let’s just say she’s lucky she‘s lucky I didn’t make her lick it clean because I was tempted to. Anyways, this is the story of my life. My family hardly ever notices anything I do for them and then when…
Okay, so yesterday I was sitting with my college roomie and she’s about to have her first baby and I am sooooooo excited for her. But that bitch isn’t finding out whether they’re having a boy or a girl. Aggghhhhh!!! How can you do this to me?!!! I mean how am I supposed to buy…
Agghhhh, so we went camping this weekend and holy shit, allllllll night long someone was waking us up. First it was my friend’s kid who was like wahhhhhh, I have to go to the bathroom. Then it was Zoey who was like wahhhhh, I can’t sleep. But little did I know who would keep me…
Dear lady I just saw breastfeeding at a restaurant, Really? Do you seriously have to pick the table right in front of me so I have to stare at you the whole time you do THAT? I mean yeah, I guess I could pick up and move to a different table, but F that,…
Dear Mommy,
ME: I want another cookie. WILLPOWER: You said you’d only have one. ME: But I realllllly want one. WILLPOWER: You’ll feel better if you don’t. ME: I know, I know. (pause) ME: I don’t feel better. WILLPOWER: Stop thinking about it. ME: Yeah, okay, I’ll do that.