Here, fishy fishy fishy, ewwww wait, not THAT close

Okay, so I feel like whenever we go on vacation, there’s always like that one magical moment (of course once you have kids, it’s sandwiched between 10,000 shitty moments). Like when my hubby and I went on our honeymoon, there was this time our sailboat was surrounded by hundreds of spinner dolphins leaping out of…

Happy Last Minute Shopping Day! So many stores, so little time

In honor of the last day of shopping before that fat guy takes credit for all the shit you came up with and worked so hard to pay for and then spent like a million hours wrapping because they all came in abnormally shaped boxes that suck. Wait, I don’t think that was a complete…

What you SHOULD F’ing buy my kids this holiday

So now that I’ve pretty much nixed every present out there because they’re all so annoying, all these blue-haired grannies are on my ass asking me what the hell they should buy their grandpoopers. Welcome to my world, Nanas. Sucks ass, doesn’t it? Anyways, let’s skip all the intro crap (translation: I’m lazy) and get…

Dear kiddo, when you start to doubt the whole Santa Claus thing, just STFU

Lately I’ve heard a lot of my friends with older kids complaining that their kids are starting to question the whole Santa Claus thing. Ordinarily I’d be like you suck because your kids are out of diapers and go to school all day so WTH are you complaining about, but in the spirit of the…

How to make your Elf on the Shelf go away for a little while

Ahhhhhhh, don’t you just lovvvvvve that feeling at the end of the day when you finally crawl into bed and the sheets feel so good on your skin and your pillow is so soft and nobody’s bothering you any– AGGHHH, FFFFFFFFFFF MEEEEEEE!!! I forgot to move that stupid Elf on the Shelf again. Elf on the Shelf…

Woo-hoooo, the winner of the Messiest Dirtiest Photo Contest is…

Da da da daaaaaaaa!!!!! And now announcing the most awesome badass totally hilarious winners in the Messiest Dirtiest Kiddo Photo Contest!!! You came, you saw, you voted, and the winners are in. But wait, before I announce them, here is what each lucky winner will go home with. Prize #1:

Holiday gifts for teachers: how the heck do you know how much to give

Holiday gifts for teachers: how the heck do you know how much to give

Okay, so today I was talking with a friend about the gift cards we’re each giving to our kiddo’s teachers this holiday and I almost died when I said the amount out loud. It sounded so low. I mean shit, I spent more on the stoopid party favors for my rugrat’s birthday party. Yup, I spent…

What NOT to F’ing buy my kids this holiday

What NOT to F’ing buy my kids this holiday

  Dear Grammy, Grampy, Nana and Pop Pop, Ahhh, yes, here we go again. The most wonderful time of the year. For you. For me it’s more like let’s see how much more crap I can fit in my house until TLC comes knocking at my door because they think I’m an F’ing hoarder. I know…

Same-sex marriage: should we ban it in kindergarten

Okay, so lately I’ve learned that if I don’t ask Zoey a million questions after school, like super specific questions, I don’t learn jack shit about what she did that day. Like if I ask her, “How was P.E.?” I get a one-word answer like, “Fine.” But if I ask her “What did you make…