Okay, so lately I’ve noticed this trend. Tell me if you’ve seen it. All these people are starting to call their kiddos “a-holes” ever since I wrote my book I Heart My Little A-Holes. Nahhh, just kidding, I have no idea if my book was the first to do it. Probably not, I rarely come up…
So yesterday I get this email from Huff Post with like a shitload of recipes to make with Halloween candy. “The best thing about having an overload of booty is that you can use it to make the following recipes.” I mean I had NO IDEA this was a problem, did you??? Figuring out what…
Yo Pinterest, check this shit out. My kid made Elsa’s cape out of panty liners tonight. Yeah, you read that right!! Some kids play with iPads when they go to a restaurant. And some make masterpieces out of panty liners. Bam!
Sometimes the cat throws up on the carpet and I get really pissed off. But sometimes he throws up in the perfect place to teach my kids an important lesson about drinking too much and losing your dignity.
UTERUS: I’m twitching. ME: N to the mother-F’ing O. NO. UTERUS: I can’t help it. I mean LOOK at those cheeks. ME: You know why they’re like that? Because she’s sucking on tatas alllllllll F’ing day long so her mom can’t do good stuff like drink vodka and wine. UTERUS: Pleeeeease. I promise I won’t…
Whenever the grandparents tell us we’re being too protective with our rug rats, I’m like hmmm, are they right? And then I get a text message like this and I’m like ummmm, yes, we definitely need to lighten up for sure and leave more weapons on their nightstands.
You know how all those Missy McPerfects brag on Facebook about their perfect kiddos? Well, I apologize but I’m gonna join them for a moment. My kid doesn’t just say I love you, he pees it in a heart shape on the carpet. Try not to be jealous.
I don’t know WTF everyone’s talking about. I didn’t have any problem putting the Girl Scouts badges on her vest.
Awwww shit, as much as I like Facebook, sometimes I just want to kick it in the balls. Because these days I keep hearing the same damn thing: “Why isn’t Baby Sideburns showing up in my newsfeed?” Why? Because Facebook changed their algorithms, which means sometimes you’re gonna miss shit. Funny shit you don’t want to miss.…
Dear Baby Sideburns, My 5yr old came home today from pre-k and told me she has a boyfriend. WTF… I don’t know what to say. I kinda froze. I don’t know how to handle this. What would you say? Signed, MSH Dear MSH, Awwwww shit, see, this is what happens when you don’t feed…