24 NEW words to call our little A-Holes

Okay, so lately I’ve noticed this trend. Tell me if you’ve seen it. All these people are starting to call their kiddos “a-holes” ever since I wrote my book I Heart My Little A-Holes.

Nahhh, just kidding, I have no idea if my book was the first to do it. Probably not, I rarely come up with an idea of my own. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery so when I see a great idea, I like to let the person know by copying the shit out of it. Anyways, I’m seeing people all over the place calling their young children a-holes. Huffington Post articles, other parenting books, a third example that I can’t think of right now.

All of the sudden I’m feeling like the word “a-hole” is totally overused and we need a new word for the fact that toddlers are little jerkwads. Like right now this very second my three-year-old is yelling at me because I won’t come into the bathroom to smell his poop. I wish I were making that up. What a little AGGGHHHH, if only there were a word that wasn’t so overused!

So here goes. I’ve come up with a wee little list of other words to call them. Feel free to steal them as much as you want. Drum roll please, badadadadadadadadadada, 24 new words to call our little a-holes instead of the word a-holes:





tootie pies

poop machines




Sucky McSucktarts








Satan’s little helpers

time sucklettes





And last but not least, crotchmuffins

I can’t decide whether the poopie trolls are going to be happy I’m not using the word “a-hole” as much anymore, or whether these new words are going to offend the shit out of them. I can’t wait to see!!

If you’re not tired of hearing the word “a-holes,” check out my New York Times Bestseller I Heart My Little A-Holes. It’s the perfect gift for the holidays! Unless you’re giving a gift to someone with a stick up their ass. Then you should pick something else. Like a candle. Or a floor-length nightgown. Or a coupon to a proctologist to get the ass-stick removed.

P.S. You can also order a FREE signed bookplate that I personally signed while I was watching some crappy TV show, so you can give someone a SIGNED copy of my book and they’ll be super impressed even though it didn’t cost anything!


There are 20 comments for this article
  1. megs at 8:00 pm

    I love my kids I really do. I do call them my little a – holes all the time.oh and suckey Mc sucker sons. ps.the book was awesome. !!!!

  2. Jill at 8:23 pm

    If I may be so bold as to make an addition to your list… asshats! It can be used in a variety of forms…ie they’ve been up to general asshattery all day!

  3. Julie at 8:25 pm

    I call my kids assbitches. My 8 year old made that one up when she was 4.

  4. Mel at 9:07 pm

    I like to refer to my kiddies as turdburgers. Coz they can be total shits, but yet still munchable

  5. Julia at 10:46 pm

    I used to call my 4-year old twins turds but then they got pissed a me so now I call them turdles. They think I’m saying turtles. Dumb kids. Loved the book btw. I work at a book store and hand sell it all the time.

  6. Gibson Jacobs at 11:52 am

    our nickname for our 2 year old started on a camping trip when someone gave him a glow stick. he’s 2, so he’s easily distracted but wants to do things by himself. so we call him Glowsticks McSlowAss whenever it takes 3 years to walk from point A to point B.

  7. George Pope at 5:56 pm

    Stealer of Life, Destroyer of Tightness. . . these two seem to cover it, but a bit awkward for everyday use. . . Also WhyDidn’tIWear_SixCondoms!

  8. Colleen at 9:49 am

    My mom used to call my sister and me poopjuice. So basically, she was calling us diarrhea.

  9. megs at 11:21 am

    hahhahaha! I love that. my mom used to call us her little Hemmroids (pain in the a*s)