The day my daughter WON the locker battle (Win a $250 Gift Card!!!!)

Okay, can we talk? And by we I mean me because this is my blog so that means I talk until the comments section where you can decide whether you want to say something nice like “heyyy, this post is totally awesome” or something doucehbaggy like “wahhhh, I lost my funny bone and now I just sit behind my computer screen and virtually rain on people’s parades all day,” even though really our parade is still happily marching along and we’re laughing at annoying but entertaining trolls like you. But I digress.

Anyways, shoot, what was I going to talk about? Oh yeah, the first day of school. Wait, not even the first day. The day before the first day of school. The day they call meet-the-teacher day.

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What to do when your family is being ungrateful suckwads

 

ZOEY: Mom, this car is super messy. You should clean it.

ME: Excuse me?

Let’s just say she’s lucky she‘s lucky I didn’t make her lick it clean because I was tempted to. Anyways, this is the story of my life. My family hardly ever notices anything I do for them and then when I don’t do it good enough, they’re like WTF Mom? I mean no, they’re not total a-holes, but OMG, sometimes they are so ungrateful it kills me.

ZOEY: What’s for dinner? Ewwww, chicken.

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I hope you’re having a boy baby and not a girl

Okay, so yesterday I was sitting with my college roomie and she’s about to have her first baby and I am sooooooo excited for her. But that bitch isn’t finding out whether they’re having a boy or a girl. Aggghhhhh!!! How can you do this to me?!!! I mean how am I supposed to buy your child all sorts of adorable stuff if I don’t know what you’re having?

And yeah, I know what you’re gonna say. Just buy us green and yellow shit. Well, I’m sorry, but the green and yellow stuff just isn’t as cute, so I’m saving my money and sending you a bunch of pink or blue shit when IT’s born. See? By not finding out what you’re having I even have to offend your baby and call it an “it.”

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Just a little story about why I wish I had a penis

Tent copyAgghhhh, so we went camping this weekend and holy shit, allllllll night long someone was waking us up. First it was my friend’s kid who was like wahhhhhh, I have to go to the bathroom. Then it was Zoey who was like wahhhhh, I can’t sleep. But little did I know who would keep me up the longest wasn’t a kid at all.

At 2AM when I had finally fallen asleep, imagine me waking up to this sound.

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Why breastfeeding in public should NOT be allowed

 

Dear lady I just saw breastfeeding at a restaurant,

Really? Do you seriously have to pick the table right in front of me so I have to stare at you the whole time you do THAT? I mean yeah, I guess I could pick up and move to a different table, but F that, I was here first.

And now I have to sit here staring at you breastfeeding for God knows how long because you insist on doing it in public. And here’s why I think that is so wrong.

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DADS ARE AWESOMER THAN THEY THINK (you could win a $250 Visa gift card if you read this post!!!)

FatherDaycollage copy

Dear Hubby,

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WHAT??!!!!!! A dating website for toddlers?!!

HoldenPout

Dear Mommy,

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HAVING FAT THIGHS ACTUALLY MAKES OTHER PEOPLE FEEL BETTER AND THAT’S WHY I’M AWESOME

ME: I want another cookie.

WILLPOWER: You said you’d only have one.

ME: But I realllllly want one.

WILLPOWER: You’ll feel better if you don’t.

ME: I know, I know.

(pause)

ME: I don’t feel better.

WILLPOWER: Stop thinking about it.

ME: Yeah, okay, I’ll do that.

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AND THEN THERE WAS THAT TIME MY FAMILY ALMOST KILLED EACH OTHER (you could WIN a TomTom GO 500!!)

So you know how we went to Boston a few weeks ago? Well, you are NOT going to believe how insane our ride back to the airport was. Seriously, it’s a miracle we made it back alive.

CarSinging

Wait, lemme back up a sec. So whenever we plan a trip, my husband and I stress out big time over which flights we should take. You gotta think about naps and bedtimes and having to wake up too early and dropping off rental cars and delayed flights and allllllllll kinds of annoying stuff.

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THE TIME I DIDN’T PUSH MY KID TOO HARD AND JUST LET HER SUCCEED WITHOUT ME

Okay, so the other day I woke Zoey up and here’s the first thing she said. “Mom, can I make breakfast?” Part of me wanted to be like, “And make my kitchen look like Hiroshima? F**K no.” But somewhere inside my head a little voice was saying, “Let her try.” Now I don’t know about your little voices, but mine tell me to do some pretty awesome shit (that I can’t divulge here), so I like to listen to them.

ME: Sure, Zoey. Go potty first and then you can go do it.

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