ZOEY: Mom, this car is super messy. You should clean it.
ME: Excuse me?
Let’s just say she’s lucky she‘s lucky I didn’t make her lick it clean because I was tempted to. Anyways, this is the story of my life. My family hardly ever notices anything I do for them and then when I don’t do it good enough, they’re like WTF Mom? I mean no, they’re not total a-holes, but OMG, sometimes they are so ungrateful it kills me.
ZOEY: What’s for dinner? Ewwww, chicken.
Okay, so yesterday I was sitting with my college roomie and she’s about to have her first baby and I am sooooooo excited for her. But that bitch isn’t finding out whether they’re having a boy or a girl. Aggghhhhh!!! How can you do this to me?!!! I mean how am I supposed to buy your child all sorts of adorable stuff if I don’t know what you’re having?
And yeah, I know what you’re gonna say. Just buy us green and yellow shit. Well, I’m sorry, but the green and yellow stuff just isn’t as cute, so I’m saving my money and sending you a bunch of pink or blue shit when IT’s born. See? By not finding out what you’re having I even have to offend your baby and call it an “it.”
Agghhhh, so we went camping this weekend and holy shit, allllllll night long someone was waking us up. First it was my friend’s kid who was like wahhhhhh, I have to go to the bathroom. Then it was Zoey who was like wahhhhh, I can’t sleep. But little did I know who would keep me up the longest wasn’t a kid at all.
At 2AM when I had finally fallen asleep, imagine me waking up to this sound.
Dear lady I just saw breastfeeding at a restaurant,
Really? Do you seriously have to pick the table right in front of me so I have to stare at you the whole time you do THAT? I mean yeah, I guess I could pick up and move to a different table, but F that, I was here first.
And now I have to sit here staring at you breastfeeding for God knows how long because you insist on doing it in public. And here’s why I think that is so wrong.
ME: I want another cookie.
WILLPOWER: You said you’d only have one.
ME: But I realllllly want one.
WILLPOWER: You’ll feel better if you don’t.
ME: I know, I know.
ME: I don’t feel better.
WILLPOWER: Stop thinking about it.
ME: Yeah, okay, I’ll do that.
So you know how we went to Boston a few weeks ago? Well, you are NOT going to believe how insane our ride back to the airport was. Seriously, it’s a miracle we made it back alive.
Wait, lemme back up a sec. So whenever we plan a trip, my husband and I stress out big time over which flights we should take. You gotta think about naps and bedtimes and having to wake up too early and dropping off rental cars and delayed flights and allllllllll kinds of annoying stuff.
Okay, so the other day I woke Zoey up and here’s the first thing she said. “Mom, can I make breakfast?” Part of me wanted to be like, “And make my kitchen look like Hiroshima? F**K no.” But somewhere inside my head a little voice was saying, “Let her try.” Now I don’t know about your little voices, but mine tell me to do some pretty awesome shit (that I can’t divulge here), so I like to listen to them.
ME: Sure, Zoey. Go potty first and then you can go do it.
So I want to say something. On Friday I posted a picture of my kiddo on Facebook getting his nails painted. No, that is not a typo. HIS nails.
And it got over 800 comments within a few hours, mostly from people shouting out tons of awesome support. So thank you.