Dear Baby Sideburns, you are NOT totally cray cray about this measles thing, and here’s the proof

(a phone call I just had this afternoon)

NURSE: Hi, is this Mrs. Alpert?

ME: It is.

NURSE: You called to see if your kids are up-to-date with their MMR vaccines?

ME: Yes.

NURSE: It looks like Holden had his first one, but he can’t get the second one until he’s four.

ME: Alright, that’s what I thought.

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Dear Mom who decided not to vaccinate her kid against the measles

Yeah, I’m going there. I mean when I put up a picture of my kid in his car seat wearing a puffy coat, I had NOOOOOOO idea the kind of ruckus that would explode. But I’m writing this knowing full well that vaccination shit is a TOUCHY subject and that some people might get their panties in a bunch reading this.

After seeing the news about the recent outbreak of measles in Disneyland, it took me a few days to muster up enough courage to “go there” on my blog, but you know what I finally decided. F that. As I learned from a very important book (Five-Minute Spiderman Stories), with great power comes great responsibility. And hell if I’m gonna stand by and watch sweet little innocent kiddos get sick and die and have other shitty lifelong problems because of a few selfish jerkwads.

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Mmmm, Girl Scout cookies are F’ing awesome but here’s why they suck

Okay, so here’s the thing. Zoey is selling Girl Scout cookies. Now if you follow my Facebook page, you might know who’s really selling them. Yours F’ing truly. Here’s the post if you didn’t see it on Facebook. You can skip to the next part if you already read it.

Woo-hooo, Zoey is selling Girl Scout cookies!!

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Do you know how F’ing HARD it is to pack my kids up for school?!!!

Here is a list of alllllll the shit I had to pack for the rugrats this morning:

Zoey’s backpack

Zoey’s lunch

Zoey’s snack

Zoey’s second snack

Zoey’s snow pants

Extra pair of shoes for her

Zoey’s mittens

Zoey’s hat

Zoey’s folder

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Thanks to Martin Luther King Jr., my daughter might be able to hunt zombies with her wife one day

ZOEY: Is tomorrow the weekend?

ME: Nope, but there’s no school because it’s a holiday.

ZOEY: Yay!

ME: Do you remember what holiday it is?

ZOEY: Yes. It’s that king’s day.

ME: He’s not really a king. His last name is King.

ZOEY: Right Arthur Lunar King.

ME: Martin Luther King.

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What NOT to do when your hubby gets a hole in his underwear

Heyyyy, here’s something really hilarious to do that will make you laugh but will NOT make your husband laugh at all.

HUBBY: (PROUD) Look, the hole in my underwear’s getting bigger!

ME: I think it’s time to throw them out.

HUBBY: No way.

ME: You’re about to start popping out of that hole.

HUBBY: I was a little last night when I was sleeping.

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Dear God, pleeeeeease don’t let my kiddo be racist

Okay, so the other day I experienced something awesome. Yeah yeah yeah, I know you’re used to me spouting off alllllll the bad shit that happens in our house on a daily basis, but last week Zoey and I had a GMO (girls morning out) and holy crap did some amazing stuff happen.

I mean most Sunday mornings I’m like honey can you watch the kids and then I pretend to poop for like two hours while really I sit there reading People Magazine and getting ring around the tushy, but this Sunday Holden had a birthday party and I could either hang out in a crowded room with a bunch of tired dads while I beg my kiddo not to touch me with his nasty frosting fingers (can we pleeeeease make red frosting illegal???), or I could take Zoey for the morning. And even though I bitch and moan about both my kiddos, I picked Zoey because she never has pee-pee accidents anymore and she likes the quiet. Like seriously, yesterday in the car she asked me to turn off the music and I was like uhhh, okay, sure.

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Dear Tinkerbell, where the F were you last night

Awwww shit, I kinda F’ed up this morning. So a buncha nights ago Zoey made this picture of Peter Pan and Tinkerbell and then she put it on her nightstand.


I had no idea she actually made them FOR Peter and Tink (no, I’m not on a first name basis with them, I’m just too lazy to type their whole names every time). I mean she does this shit alllllllll all the time but if she doesn’t tell me, I don’t even notice because like I said, she’s done this like 9, 000 times.

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Here, fishy fishy fishy, ewwww wait, not THAT close

Okay, so I feel like whenever we go on vacation, there’s always like that one magical moment (of course once you have kids, it’s sandwiched between 10,000 shitty moments). Like when my hubby and I went on our honeymoon, there was this time our sailboat was surrounded by hundreds of spinner dolphins leaping out of the water all around us. Or the time we went to the Dominican Republic and my masseuse full-on massaged my boobs. Seriously, it was a couples massage and I was dying to yell to my hubby who was lying next to me with his eyes closed, “Check this shit out, she’s rubbing my nipples!!!” But I digress. Anyways, last week we went to Florida and we had one of those moments.

We were walking down the beach with the kiddos when suddenly there was all this bright silver flashing all over the surface of the water. Everyone on the beach literally stopped what they were doing and watched together. “Look, there it is!” And then it stopped, and then it was there again, and then it stopped and then it was there again, and so on and so on. It took us all about thirty seconds to figure out what we were seeing.

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Happy Last Minute Shopping Day! So many stores, so little time

In honor of the last day of shopping before that fat guy takes credit for all the shit you came up with and worked so hard to pay for and then spent like a million hours wrapping because they all came in abnormally shaped boxes that suck. Wait, I don’t think that was a complete sentence, but I lost my train of thought. Anyways, in honor of this big-ass shopping day, here are a few thoughts about some of my favorite and least favorite stores to shop at.


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