Dear Baby Sideburns,
My 5yr old came home today from pre-k and told me she has a boyfriend. WTF… I don’t know what to say. I kinda froze. I don’t know how to handle this. What would you say?
Awwwww shit, see, this is what happens when you don’t feed your kids organic shit and
Dear Baby Sideburns,
I’ve been told by an “expert” that I need to tell my 5 year old boy what his private part is called. I’ve avoided it until now. What on earth do we call his “tail” as he calls it?
Here are some names you can call it:
Hey, have you seen the totally rude post that a-hole mom wrote about Pinteresty moms who pack fancy lunches? This one. She must either be like a total super bitch or suffer from crazy low self-esteem.
Nahhhh, just kidding, that was meeee!!!
“Oh my God, this is the worst thing that could ever happen. Our lives are over and we will never be able to move on from this. How will we ever go on without that stupid F’ing $1 Spiderman balloon?”
Do you guys remember this picture from earlier this summer? When Holden’s Spiderman balloon floated away? Maybe you do or maybe you’re like me and have brainesia and don’t remember jack squat anymore. Anyways, as you can see it was pretty traumatic. And HILARIOUS. Uhhh, I mean devastating. But seriously, it was just a stupid balloon from the Dollar Tree and Zoey and Holden reacted like the world was on fire. I figured they would forget about it in a week or so and move on. Ennnh, wrong.
Holy crap, did you guys hear who is ROYALLY pissed off?! Elsa. Yup, that snow queen is mad as hell because Disney decided to keep her single at the end of Frozen. I mean yeah she totally agrees that it’s cool to teach little girls that women don’t NEED a man to be happy, but no one ever asked her if she wanted to be the poster child for strong single women.
Not only did she get cursed with the ability to freeze everything she touches, but she also got stuck being the spinster sister. How the hell is that fair? I mean here she is sitting at home all alone on a Saturday night accidentally freezing the Lean Cuisine she just microwaved, while her sister Anna is off in Hawaii on a sexy honeymoon with a buff ice chipper.
Okay, so Zoey just got her first (and hopefully last) American Girl Doll as a gift, and let me say this. HOLYYYYY SHIT am I in the WRONG business. I mean you know how they say a house is $XX per square foot? I think they should do the same for these dolls. This is Isabelle. She’s wearing a lovely floral frock that is $12 per square inch. Not really, but damn, this is more expensive than a meth habit. Not that I know how much a meth habit costs.
So a little while ago Zoey and Holden’s great grandparents were coming to visit and they asked me to buy presents for the kids so they wouldn’t have to schlep them on the plane.
I’m just gonna come right out and say it. I am a Disney person. No matter how F’ed up your life is, for at least the first few minutes when you’re walking down Main Street in Magic Kingdom you can’t help but be optimistic. I mean I’m not gonna lie and tell you all sorts of bullcrap about how it’s going to be 100% unicorny rainbows the whole time you’re there. Because kids are like ridiculous experts when it comes to throwing tantrums and being a-holey, especially when you’ve spent gazillions of dollars to have a good time. But I am gonna give you a few pointers on how to make your trip a little more magical
1. WTF is that?
2. At least it’s contained.
ME: Hey Aimee,what’s that?
AIMEE: My veggetti.
ME: Your what?
AIMEE: My veggetti!
ME: I’m not sure I want to see your veggetti.
AIMEE: It’s okay, I show my veggetti to everyone. It’s so easy. See, I just stick a zucchini in my veggetti and it’s go time. Continue reading
Okay, I have a confession to make and I’ve been feeling shitty about it all week. So last weekend was Zoey’s birthday party and she picked out a super cute pink sparkly leotard to wear for it. And then she picked out a super cute black one with neon designs for Holden to wear. Yup, she dressed our little boy up in a leotard and he came down those stairs ready to go as proud as I’ve ever seen him.
And what did I do? EXACTLY what I’ve always said I wouldn’t do. I convinced him to wear something else. I took like five of his favorites shirts out of his closet and basically convinced him to wear a different outfit.