Yo rugrat, I love you. A lot. And I lovvvvvve spending time with you. And sometimes that means hanging out together and playing fun games like Spiderman versus Darth Vader, but sometimes that means dragging you to the grocery store. And I know that kinda sucks but life isn’t all unicorns pooping rainbows. So the next time I make you go food-shopping with me, here are eleven things I need you NOT to do:
1. Please do not suck on the handle of the shopping cart that has literally been touched by 1000 hands today. Otherwise I might as well write Ebola and Tuberculosis on the grocery list because that’s what we’re coming home with.
Dear lady who’s bottle-feeding her newborn in Starbucks right now,
Yeah, I saw that. That group of women in the chairs who just gave you a disapproving look when you whipped out the bottle. Now mayyybe they just don’t approve of the donut you’re eating. Or maybe they don’t like your outfit. But I’m pretty sure they were looking down on you because you aren’t breastfeeding. And I’m really hoping you didn’t notice. But just in case you did, I wanted to make sure you know that there is at least ONE mother in here who is not judging you for bottle-feeding. Because this is what I know:
1. Breastfeeding doesn’t always work out for everyone. Sometimes our bodies suck and don’t cooperate. Like my baby didn’t come out of my vajayjay. Was it my fault? No. And maybe your boobies just weren’t in the mood to be vending machines.
AGGGHHHHH, so this morning something really gross happened. I mean it’s not like gross shit isn’t always happening in my house, but this was even grosser than usual and kinda funny but not really funny at all.
So like every morning Holden wakes up at the ass-crack of dawn and does what he always does. He comes to MY side of the bed. I mean I don’t understand why he only comes to my side and only wants to climb in on my side and sleep with me and not his dad who’s way nicer to him, but he’s been in this phase where lately he only comes to me in the morning. A phase that has lasted two years now. Grrrrr.
Anyways, he always has to go potty and since Mr. McClingy refuses to go alone, I have to drag my ass out of bed and take him.
Don’t you just love when someone comes up to you and tells YOU how to parent YOUR child? Sometimes it’s a random stranger on the street and sometimes it’s a random a-hole in your family. Anyways, until now, I’ve just smiled and nodded my head. But screw that. From now on, here are ten things I’m gonna say when someone tries to tell me how to parent MY child:
1. That’s funny, I didn’t think he came out of YOUR vajayjay. Then how come mine’s all stretched out?
Awwww shit, I F’ed up. Again. So a couple of weeks ago, Zoey wrote a note to Tinkerbell’s friend Periwinkle and she left it on her nightstand for the ice fairy to pick up. Okay, this part isn’t my fault because she failed to mention this to me, and since her room looks like an F5 tornado hit it, there’s no F’ing way I’m going to notice a tiny blue envelope with the words Pare Wekl on it, and even if I did, I probably wouldn’t touch it because I don’t know WTF that is. Anyways, last week she woke up one morning all sad and teary-eyed.
ZOEY: Mom, why do you think Periwinkle doesn’t pick up my note?
Do you see what I’m doing? Yup, I have a runny nose and at the same exact time I’m getting other shit done. Wanna know why? Because it’s a cold. An itty-bitty tiny cold that makes me feel a little crappy, but what’re you gonna do? No, I’m serious, what are YOU gonna do? Because you’re probably getting this cold next, and the last time a cold moved through our house we caught the same exact germs, but mine manifested as a few sniffles and yours manifested as the Bubonic Plague.
Which leads me to my point, Mr. Pussypants. Here are ten ways I would like you to act the next time you get a cold:
Dear Zoey’s School,
So the other day Zoey came home with something in her folder that made me do a double-take. This.
I have to say, it made me pause. I mean, hellloooo, have you been watching the news? Didn’t you see that two Muslim people in California just shot and killed fourteen people and wounded twenty-one others? I had to ask myself, is this really what we should be teaching our children right now? Acceptance? At this time?!! I mean I know you’re trying to be all P.C. and shit, but do I want my kiddo walking up and befriending the next terrorist?
AGGGHHHHH, I am 200% convinced that Zoey is about to get her period because she is acting like such a %$@*&-rag!! Yeah, I know she’s only six, but they say kids are hitting puberty earlier and earlier these days, so she could be, right? Like yesterday I didn’t bring her a snack when I picked her up from school and she basically turned into Cujo and jumped down my throat. I’m like A. I never bring you a snack for the ride home and B. we literally have a 45-second drive from the school to our house, so why would I?
And then yesterday she had her winter concert at school where the kids dress all nicely so she wanted to wear this fancy red dress her grandma got her, but the ribbon was all wrinkled so I ironed it (yes, as in I actually went down to the basement and managed to dig out an iron from 1940). But since I have no idea how to actually use an iron, it must have been too hot and the second the iron touched the ribbon, it basically burst into flames and I made a hole in it. AGGHHHHHH!!!!! She’s going to kill me.
Yo Muffy McPerfectpants, I’ve seen what you’ve been posting on Facebook and Pinterest. All those cutesy Elf on the Shelf pictures. You’re like, “Oooooh, look, I added Velcro to his hands and wires to his limbs and then I suspended him from a miniature American Girl Doll hot air balloon to make him look like he’s in Cirque du Soleil. It only took me six hours, but it was totally worth it to see my little angels all aglow for point two seconds when they discovered him this morning.”
Do you know what goes through my head when I see your picture? “Bwhahahahahaha, are you F’ing kidding me?!!” I mean don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with Elf on the Shelf. In fact, I think he’s pretty damn awesome. But THIS, my friend, is NOT how you use him.
1. I would be thankful if you DON’T judge me for using disposable plates. Yes, I know I got perfectly good china for our wedding, but I wanted to spend an eternity with my hubby, not an eternity standing at the sink washing dishes.
2. If you notice I’m wearing maternity pants, I would be thankful if you don’t go blabbing to the whole world that I’m preggers. I’m not. The only baby I’m pregnant with is a massive food baby that I’m making sure there’s room for.
3. If you’re bringing wine to dinner, I would be thankful if you brought two bottles. One for dinner and one for me. And if you’re too cheap to bring two bottles, bring two boxes.