I hate big thighs and I cannot lie, you other sisters might deny

Swish swish swish. What is that noise? Swish swish swish swish, WHAT is that??? Oh, wait a sec, I know. It’s my thighs. Awwwesome. Yup, my thighs make a noise when I walk. And if you don’t know WTF I’m talking about, please stop reading this now because you must be one of those women whose thighs have never touched before.

Like once I had this cute pair of black linen pants that I wore almost every day after I was preggers and I LOVED them (translation: they were the only pants that fit without squeezing my gallbladder up into my esophagus). And then one day I took them out of my closet and put them on and I must have bent over for some reason and that’s when I saw it. Nooooooooo. Two gaping holes, one on each thigh, up by the crotch. Eww, isn’t crotch like the worst word on earth? Moist crotch. There, I just made it worse. But I digress.

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Ten things I REALLY want to do alone once in a while

 

Dear Thing 1, Thing 2 and my hubby,

I LOVE you guys. Like I LOVVVVVVVVE you. But even though I love you more than life itself, sometimes I just need a break. Not like a six-night trip to the Caribbean (although that would be amazing). Just a wee little bit of “alone” time. Because it seems like someone CONSTANTLY needs something from me. Wiiiipe me, can I have some water, where is the milk, pick me up, is it sexy-time yet, where are my shoes, can I have it Mommy, can I, can I, can I??? Until I’m like AGGGGGHHHHHH, leave me the F alone!!!!! Puhleeeeease, can I please just have a little space? So here are ten things I REALLY want to do alone once in a while:

1. I want to sit on the toilet ALL BY MYSELF. I don’t want to hear someone body-slamming the door, pummeling each other outside, or yelling MOMMMMMMM at the top of their lungs. There’s only one thing I want to hear for seven straight minutes. My own precious grunts.

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This is personal

This is not political. This is personal. You see these two faces? These are the faces behind the Affordable Care Act (aka Obamacare). That’s right. My sweet kids Zoey and Holden are on Obamacare. And so are me and my husband. And I am scared shitless right now.

Years ago before Obamacare, we applied for health insurance. And guess how long it took us to get it? Six months. SIX. One hundred and eighty days of waiting to see if we would be eligible to get healthcare. And not for free. Not subsidized. We waited six months to see if a healthcare plan would accept us so we could pay full price for it.

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Aggghhhh, my kid won’t eat breakfast and it’s killing me!!!!

(Based on a true story)

ME: Holden, what do you want for breakfast?

HOLDEN: Nothing.

ME: You can’t have nothing. Do you want some toast?

HOLDEN: I’m not hungry.

ME: You’ll be hungry later at school. How about a banana?

HOLDEN: I’m NOT hungry!!

ME: You can’t NOT eat something (does that even make sense?).

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Make sure your kids get LOTS of screen time this holiday break (and check out the new AWESOME Thomas the Train app!!)

Okay, so I just bumped into this other mom from my daughter’s school and we started chatting. Hmmmm, what should I call her, lemme seeeee, how about Muffy McPerfectpants? Anyways, Muffy and I are chatting (she’s going on and on and on about the homemade gingerbread houses they made last night and I’m going on and on and on about how I can’t stop drinking eggnog straight from the container) when she politely asks me what we are doing for the holidays.

ME: Enh, not much. Just wearing my fat pants all day long and letting the kids have as much iPad as humanly possible so we don’t go insane.

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Ruh-roh, you’re not gonna believe where I found the car keys

I did something stupid. I mean I do stupid stuff all the time, but this one makes me look like a total idiot. It all started the other morning when I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get the rugrats out the door for school.

ME: Did you brush your teeth yet?! Is your backpack packed?!! Zoey, stop playing with toys!!! If I see you touch that toy again, I’m going to throw it in the trash!!

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ANOTHER Badass Gift Guide of MORE Stuff People will actually Like and Use

F.U. Hatchimals! F.U. I am NOT paying three times the price for your stupid toy because do you know what would happen if I did? My kid would just play with the box it came in. So if you’re like me and you’re not shelling out a bazillion dollars for Hatchimals, here is some other awesome shit to buy in case you haven’t finished your holiday shopping yet. Or started. Like me. I threw a few adult things in there too because why the heck not? Just click on the pictures and it’ll take you directly to where you can learn more and buy them. Easy peasy.

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The day I accidentally murdered someone

F me. Yes, I know those probably aren’t the classiest words to start a post with, but I really can’t think of two better words to describe the shitstorm that I brought upon my house this weekend. Are you ready for this tragedy?

So on Saturday night we went out with friends to a Mexican joint, and I don’t know about you, but when I go to a Mexican joint, I drink. A lot. The menu said peach mango strawberry margarita, and I was like, yummmmmmmmmm, I’ll have THAT.

WAITRESS: Which one?

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The Badass Gift Guide of Awesome Stuff People will actually Like and Use

I mean I’m pretty sure the title of this post says it all, but in case you need more, here is a list of awesome stuff that kids, moms and dads are actually going to want to get this holiday season. Because it’s hard to figure out new and exciting shit to get every year. Just click on the pictures and it’ll take you directly to where you can learn more and buy them. Easy peasy.

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Ten reasons I’m thankful to live in America

This is a post I started to write a few months ago, but never got the chance to finish. Who knows, maybe someone interrupted me or maybe I sneezed and wet my pants and had to go do another load of laundry. Anyways, I finally got a chance to come back and finish it, and this seems like the perfect week to share it. Thanksgiving week. It is a great reminder of all the things that were true earlier this year and still true right now. So here goes. The post I wrote a few months ago but finally finished today:

America F’ing rocks. Sure, I know there are serious problems here and not everything is all hunky dory by a long stretch, but there are like a thousand times a week that I’m telling my kids they’re lucky they live here. And here are ten of them.

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