ZOEY: Mom, where are we going?!
ME: It’s a surprise!!
ZOEY: Noooo, tell me.
ME: It’s a surprise!!
ZOEY: Fine, just give me a hint.
ME: Okay, put one shoe on and we can go.
ZOEY: Ugggh, Mom, where are we going?!!!
ME: I said put ONE shoe on and we can go!
ZOEY: Mommm, just give me a hint.
My 3.5 year-old still naps. Yup, I said that. Be jealous. Judge me if you want. But man do I get a lot of shit done while he’s sleeping and there is no way I’m letting him drop his nap yet. Yeah, some days he’s a total douchenugget and keeps singing to himself and coming out of his room until I finally give up, but usually he’ll sleep for an hour or two and I can do important stuff like pluck my unibrow in peace and figure out how to make dinner out of the four pitiful items in our fridge. Q: What do you make with jelly, American cheese slices, watermelon yogurt and a shitload of old condiments? A: You make a phone call to the pizza place. But I digress.
Anyways, so you know what pisses me off to no end? When I’ve finally convinced my kid to take a nap and like two minutes after he goes down, DING DONG!!!!!
Dear brand new mom,
Let me start by saying this. You are not:
Doing a bad job
Remember when you were scared about giving birth and you told yourself it’s okay, millions of women have done it before me? Well, millions of women have felt exactly the way you feel right now. No, I’m not inside your brain and I don’t know EXACTLY how you’re feeling, but I promise you we have all gone through the pain that you are going through right now. The pain of being a mom for the first time. I know, I know, you knew it was going to be hard, but you probably didn’t know it was going to be THIS hard.
But but, but what about all those perfect mommies on Facebook and Pinterest who say they LOVVVVVVED every single second with their newborn and even liked changing poopie diapers and waking up with their boobie-suckers at all waking hours because they cherished every precious moment? Well, guess what. They’re lying. I mean maybe they don’t know they’re lying because they don’t remember what it was really like, and I don’t blame them because it’s probably just their body’s way of blacking it out because the memories are too much to handle. Because having a newborn for the first time kinda sorta sucks.
Dear other mom who I just invited over for a playdate,
I’m super excited to have you over so we can try to ignore our children and actually have a conversation for once, but I wanted to let you know a few things first:
1. Don’t be appalled if my house is a mess when you get here. That just means we’re good enough friends that I don’t have to clean up for you. Or that I’m lazy and pretending we are.
2. If it’s after 9AM, I’ll probably offer you a “drink.” I won’t judge you for saying no thank you as long as you don’t judge me for drinking yours too.
Okay, I know when it comes to punishing our kids we’re supposed to give them time-outs or send them to their rooms or make them go to bed without supper and shit like that. But what I’ve learned in my house is that these punishments don’t work anymore. I don’t know if they’re just overused and worn out or whether it’s that my kids are older now.
Like if I give Zoey a time out these days, she basically sits on the doormat by the front door and sings to herself and calls Holden over and then I have to say no to Holden because she’s having a time out right now and then he gets all pissed off and then we’ve got twice the flailing and snotting and yelling. Fun times.
Okay, you know what I hate more than anything? Well, not ANYTHING. I mean I hate a few things more. Like Hitler. And olives. But I digress. Do you know what I hate a whole lot? When I’m standing there with my rugrats and someone asks me if I work. Duhh, do you think these poop machines are raising themselves?
The truth is I used to ask that too BEFORE I had kiddos. Now I’ve changed the way I ask it. These days I’ll say something like, “Do you do anything in addition to the ridiculously hard, super challenging, often disgusting job of taking care of your kids?”
Yayyyyyy, Girl Scout cookies are in!!!!
Dear Mrs. So-and-So,
Awww shit, there it is, the sound of Holden’s feet getting out of bed and coming down the hallway. Yeah yeah yeah, I know that the pitter-patter of little feet is supposed to be all adorable and shit, but I’ll tell you when it’s NOT adorable. When it’s three in the mother F’ing morning!!! AGGGHHHH, GO BACK TO BEDDDD!!!!
And to make it even worse my hubby is sleeping through it right now and I know since I’m awake I should be the one to bring Holden back to his room, but this totally isn’t fair because I brought him back to bed two hours ago and it’s not my turn again. So screw that.
Awwww shit, my kiddo just got invited to Cinderella’s house for a play date but I have no F’ing idea who Cinderella’s parents are or what goes on in their house. I mean yeah, they live around the corner so it seems safe enough but so does the totally creepy lady who vacuums her lawn in disgusting old shorts that show off her vajayjay every time she bends over. So who’s to say neighbors are always safe?
Anyways, don’t get me wrong, I totally appreciate Cinderella’s parents taking my little douchenugget for the afternoon so I can get all sorts of shit done (like pretending I’m going to vacuum but running out of time because I’ve wasted too much time eating snacks and surfing Facebook). However, my precious kid cannot be replaced so whenever I send her to a new house where I don’t really know what goes on there, I get the nervous poops.
Yayyyy, school pictures are in!!! SCHOOL PICTURES ARE IN!!! I mean uhhhh, yeah, I’m cool. I’ll just calmly walk to my car and open them in the front seat where no one can see my reaction.
I don’t know WHAT it is about school pictures that makes me so excited. I take like 9,000 better pictures of Holden every day on my phone, and they’re wayyy cuter than the totally lame-o picture of him sitting in front of a random blue background. See?