Lately I’ve heard a lot of my friends with older kids complaining that their kids are starting to question the whole Santa Claus thing. Ordinarily I’d be like you suck because your kids are out of diapers and go to school all day so WTH are you complaining about, but in the spirit of the holidays, Merry Christmas, and don’t say I never got you anything. Here’s a little something to share with your doubting hooligans:
Dear kid who’s starting to doubt the whole Santa Claus thing,
Ahhhhhhh, don’t you just lovvvvvve that feeling at the end of the day when you finally crawl into bed and the sheets feel so good on your skin and your pillow is so soft and nobody’s bothering you any– AGGHHH, FFFFFFFFFFF MEEEEEEE!!! I forgot to move that stupid Elf on the Shelf again.
Elf on the Shelf my ass. More like Elf on the microwave. Elf on the back of the toilet. Elf building a snowman out of cotton balls on the counter. Elf hanging from the light fixture but he keeps falling down but you keep trying over and over again until you finally say screw it and put him somewhere else. Yada yada F’ing yada.
Da da da daaaaaaaa!!!!! And now announcing the most awesome badass totally hilarious winners in the Messiest Dirtiest Kiddo Photo Contest!!! You came, you saw, you voted, and the winners are in. But wait, before I announce them, here is what each lucky winner will go home with.
Okay, so today I was talking with a friend about the gift cards we’re each giving to our kiddo’s teachers this holiday and I almost died when I said the amount out loud. It sounded so low. I mean shit, I spent more on the stoopid party favors for my rugrat’s birthday party. Yup, I spent more money on crappy cancer-causing plastic shit from China than I spent on my kid’s teacher.
After saying it, I wanted to take myself behind the building and beat the crap out of myself for being such an a-hole. But then I realized, it’s not too late!!! I can go back to the store and get another gift card with more on it!!
Okay, so lately I’ve learned that if I don’t ask Zoey a million questions after school, like super specific questions, I don’t learn jack shit about what she did that day. Like if I ask her, “How was P.E.?” I get a one-word answer like, “Fine.” But if I ask her “What did you make in art class today?” I get a longer answer like, “Mommm (insert ginormous eye-roll here), we didn’t have art class today.”
The other day she came running off the bus wearing a big veil and I asked, “What’s that?” And she said, “A veil.” Okay, let’s try this again. “Zoey, why are you wearing a veil with the letter “u” on it?” And she gave me a better answer. “Because today we had the wedding of ‘q’ and ‘u’.”
Ohhhh yeahhhh, it’s the first ever Baby Sideburns 2014 gift guide!!! A little half-assed, a lotta badass, and full of bunch of awesome shit that anyone would be psyched to find under the X-Mas tree, next to the Menorah, or beneath the Kwanzaa candles this year. Yup, check this shit out because it’s time to shop and here’s a little sumpin sumpin for everyone on your list!! And speaking of sumpin sumpin, let’s start this list off with a bang:
MJC International Men’s Generic Faux Denim Pajama Pant
Okay, so I’m totally bummed. There’s this awesome photo contest but I don’t have a good picture for it. AGGGHHH, I have like 9 million pictures of my rugrats but none of them work for this!!! It’s being put on by Sterling, that cool brand by Kohler, do you know it? You’re supposed to enter the MESSIEST DIRTIEST picture of your kiddo and you can win this kickass prize (I’ll tell you about the prize after my borrring story), but my kid is like totally OCD and never gets messy.
Like I was SOOOOOO excited to get that awesome messy picture on her first birthday when she tried cake for the first time (I was clearly suffering from FTMS– First Time Mom Syndrome) but do you know what that little douchebunny did? She wouldn’t eat the cake!! Aggghhhh!!!
Okay, so lately I’ve noticed this trend. Tell me if you’ve seen it. All these people are starting to call their kiddos “a-holes” ever since I wrote my book I Heart My Little A-Holes.
Nahhh, just kidding, I have no idea if my book was the first to do it. Probably not, I rarely come up with an idea of my own. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery so when I see a great idea, I like to let the person know by copying the shit out of it. Anyways, I’m seeing people all over the place calling their young children a-holes. Huffington Post articles, other parenting books, a third example that I can’t think of right now.