1. I don’t want to wipe a single ass all day. I think all kids should have to hold in their poop in on Mother’s Day. Now that would make it special.
2. I want brunch. But not with the whole frigging family. I want brunch with my other mommy friends. See ya, rug rats. Mommy’s coming back drunk on laughter and bloody marys.
3. I want to sleep in. But not with my hooligans shouting “MOMMYYYYYY!!!” at the top of their lungs and ramming one of those giant cannon thingies into the door to bust inside. To all the hubbies reading this: when the rugrats wake up, take them outside immediately. Not downstairs. OUTSIDE. That’s right, scoop them up in a football hold and rush them out the door. I’m F’ing serious. Change their diapers and their clothes on the front lawn if you have to. Just don’t let them wake my ass up.
I suck. Yup, I am 200% sure that I am doing this all wrong and that my kids are going to grow up to be drug dealing hookers or even worse, that they’re going to hate me. Like yesterday for example. Here’s allllllll the crap I did wrong yesterday:
1. I forgot to tell Zoey to brush her teeth before school (total lie, really I remembered but I was super busy and just didn’t feel like dealing).
2. I told Holden I’d play with him. Then after like five minutes I left because I had to switch the laundry over. Then I left again because I heard the squeak of the mailbox. And then I left AGAIN because the dryer dinged so I had to stop playing and fold the laundry before it got all wrinkly.
Okay, so today Zoey is getting her hair cut. Wait, no, that does not do it justice. Today Zoey is getting her hair CHOPPED OFF. Her beautiful, gorgeous, strawberry blonde hair that I lovvvvve.
Yup, she came to me last week and said she wanted to cut her hair.
1. All you gotta do is buy the girl a $4 Happy Meal at Mickey D’s and she’d pretty much agree to marry you.
AGGGHHHH, what happened this year?!! I was looking through my pictures yesterday and I came across this one and I realized it was ONLY like eight months ago and holy crap, Zoey looks sooooo much littler than she does now.
How is it possible to age that much in like eight months? Yes, it’s kind of a stupid question since I wake up every morning and I’m like how the hell do I look ten years older than I did when I went to bed last night. But I digress. Anyways, I can’t believe how fast she’s growing. Wahhh, it totally makes me want another baby. But not really.
Dear nanny talking on your cell phone,
Okay, so last Tuesday I took my kiddos to the Children’s Museum and I saw you three times that day. The first time was on our way there when I pulled up next to you at a traffic light. There you were yapping on your cell phone in the car. Now I’ll admit, there have been times that I’ve talked on my phone in the car and I know it’s the wrong thing to do, but hey, it’s not something I do every day. Or when my kids are in the car. Or EVER EVER EVER when someone else’s kid is in my car. Nevvvvvver. No phone call is worth it. But here you were yapping away with someone else’s most prized possession sitting in the backseat.
Then I pulled up to the museum and there you were again, yapping on your cell phone while you got the kiddo out of the car. I mean I was glad to see you got here accident-free and you were both safe and sound and alive but seriously, get off your stupid phone call.
1. Sleep now. Like seriously, think of yourself as a bear and this is your only chance to hibernate because as soon as little Miss Poopie Pants arrives, you might not get 8 straight hours of sleep in like, hmmm, I don’t know, maybe forever.
2. Breastfeeding sucks. No pun intended. Eventually it’s pretty amazing so hang in there, but for most mommies the first week or so feels like someone put giant bloodsucking leeches with vampire teeth on your nipples. Yes, even if you’re doing it right.
3. Okay, so you have your old jeans (that you may never fit in again) and you have your maternity pants (that are perfect for Thanksgiving dinners). Now go buy a pair in between. Because even though the baby comes out right away, a bunch of other shit doesn’t.
Dear kid who I just saw being bullied outside Noodles and Company,
I heard what those a-hole kids said to you and I just wanted to tell you something. Yeah, I know I’m just some random grownup who really doesn’t know WTF you go through every day, so maybe you don’t even want to listen to me. And no, I’m not even some cool celebrity, so if you want to stop reading this, fine. So be it.
Truth be told, I’m so sick of hearing all these celebrities tell people like you to not worry about being bullied because they were bullied too and look at them now. I mean A. Most of us don’t get to grow up to be celebrities. That’s like saying, hey kid, don’t feel bad because there’s a one in a million chance that you’re gonna grow up to be famous. And B. When did it become fashionable to say you were bullied back when you were in school? It’s like they’re all bragging about it.
ZOEY: Mom, where are we going?!
ME: It’s a surprise!!
ZOEY: Noooo, tell me.
ME: It’s a surprise!!
ZOEY: Fine, just give me a hint.
ME: Okay, put one shoe on and we can go.
ZOEY: Ugggh, Mom, where are we going?!!!
ME: I said put ONE shoe on and we can go!
ZOEY: Mommm, just give me a hint.
My 3.5 year-old still naps. Yup, I said that. Be jealous. Judge me if you want. But man do I get a lot of shit done while he’s sleeping and there is no way I’m letting him drop his nap yet. Yeah, some days he’s a total douchenugget and keeps singing to himself and coming out of his room until I finally give up, but usually he’ll sleep for an hour or two and I can do important stuff like pluck my unibrow in peace and figure out how to make dinner out of the four pitiful items in our fridge. Q: What do you make with jelly, American cheese slices, watermelon yogurt and a shitload of old condiments? A: You make a phone call to the pizza place. But I digress.
Anyways, so you know what pisses me off to no end? When I’ve finally convinced my kid to take a nap and like two minutes after he goes down, DING DONG!!!!!