WTF happened to NORMAL dress-up days like crazy sock day and funny hat day?!!

 

Dear camp directors,

I’m worried. Like seriously worried. I mean you’re supposed to be taking care of my precious kiddos every day, but I’m questioning your sobriety. Nahhh, not our bus driver. She rocks the Casbah. But I’m seriously worried that the people who are in charge at camp are smoking something.

Because I just took a look at the summer calendar and I have four words for you: WTF were you thinking? Or drinking? Or inhaling? I mean yeah, I get it, it’s super fun for the kiddos to dress wacky once a week, but what is wrong with NORMAL dress-up days? Like crazy sock day, or funny hat day, or backwards day?!

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Oh nooo, my new kitchen is missing something REALLY important

I miss my old kitchen. Shhhhhh, don’t tell my hubby. He would KILLLLL me if he heard me say that. He’d be like WTF, we spent all that money and dealt with all those headaches and you’re not grateful? No, schnookiepants, I AM grateful. I love our new kitchen. But I miss my old kitchen.

Sure it had water that was leaking behind the cabinets and probably growing mold. And it had a dining table that was in a room we never used so it was just a giant shit collector. And it had an oven that smelled like the charred corpse of a rotting dead elf. But it had something else too. It had memories. So many amazing memories.

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Dear bully who left a note in my daughter’s desk today

 

Dear bully who left a note in Zoey’s desk today that said “You are stupid,” and then another one later in the day that said “You are dumb,”

I know the teacher sat down the entire class to tell you all how wrong this was and to see if anyone would fess up. Of course you didn’t. And actually, I’m kind of glad you didn’t confess. Wanna know why? Because Zoey sees the best in people. She probably thinks you’re a friend and she probably sees the best in you right now and I don’t want her to know that you are actually a mean kid. A bully.

But you know what you did. So here’s what I want you to do. Go look in a mirror, and I’m going to tell you what I want you to say into that mirror. I want you to look at yourself and say I love you. That’s right. Look at your reflection and tell yourself you love yourself. Yeah, I know it’s going to feel a little dorky, but do it anyway. Clearly you need to be killed with kindness. The way Zoey would kill you with kindness if she knew it was you who left those notes. She wouldn’t get mad. She would feel bad that you feel the need to hurt someone because you are obviously hurting on the inside.

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Why I’m cutting the mom who asks a million questions a little slack

 

Dear annoying million-questions mom,

Okay, so I get it. All of our kids are starting kindergarten next year for the first time. It’s new. It’s scary. But when we go to an informational session about it, do you seriously need to ask SOOOOO many questions??? The teachers are like are there any more questions, and every time we think it’s over, nope, your arm shoots up again. And again and again and again.

And do you know what I’m thinking? I don’t F’ing blame you.

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Registering for your kid’s birthday party presents, WTF???

So something kinda weird just happened. I popped into this store to buy a birthday present and the lady’s like can I help you find anything? So I tell her I’m just looking for a present for someone, and she says who’s it for? I say it’s for an eight-year-old girl. And she says, what’s her name? And I’m like that’s strange, is she going to show me something that’s personalized? I tell her it’s for a girl named Belle and she says oh yeah, Belle McPartypants (FYI, that’s a fake name… thankfully). Random that she knows this, but yes that’s the girl.

So I’m looking at a cute disco ball on the shelf and the lady is like, oh no no nooo, Belle already has that. Hmmmm, okayyyy. So I go over to the arts and crafts section instead and just as I’m about to choose something, the lady comes over holding a few different items.

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Should we talk to our kids about race?

Do you have these cups? Everyone I know has these cups. They’re from IKEA which means they’re super cheap and awesome. Except for one thing. I can’t help from paying attention to which color I’m giving to the kids. I know, I know, I’m not supposed to teach them that color matters, and I’m just supposed to grab the two cups from the top of the pile and put them on the table without thinking about it. But I don’t.

Because do you know what happens when I put the pink cup down in front of my son? A shitstorm of monumental proportions. And I can try to reason with him and tell him color doesn’t matter, but by this point he’s wailing and past the point of no return and he’d rather die of thirst. So for the past year or so, if there’s a pink cup or a purple one on top of the pile, I’ve been intentionally pulling a different one from the middle. But I think I’m going to stop. And here’s why.

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Ten reasons you better acknowledge me on Mother’s Day. Pleeease.

I know it just seems like a stupid Hallmark holiday. But it’s MY Hallmark holiday. 364 days of the year are devoted to YOU. All I’m asking for is one teeny tiny little day. I don’t need a lot. Just a card or a slice of toast in bed. Heck, I’ll even take a slice of untoasted bread or a dandelion you picked from the yard. Something. Anything. Pretty please don’t forget. Let this be your warning. Here are ten reasons you better acknowledge me on Mother’s Day:

1. Because you ripped me a new one. I don’t care where the baby comes out, there’s not a single orifice on the human body that can fit an 8-pound bowling ball through it. Well, maybe Judd Nelson’s nostrils.

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If Target would take my suggestions, this is what a Target run would be like

 

We ran out of toilet paper. Yayyyyy! Time for a Target run!

It was starting to drizzle a little so thank God for Target’s complimentary valet parking. I got that new guy again, the one who looks like Channing Tatum. His chest was extra glisteny in the rain today and super tan. I guess running around topless in the reflective parking lot every day can do that. He winked at me and said he would vacuum out my car while I was inside shopping. I think it’s hilarious that I used to think parking next to the cart corral was rock star parking. Not.

So my son and I headed inside and straight to the daycare. One of the British nannies came over immediately and took Holden inside and handed me a claim check ticket to pick him up later.

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To my son who wants a bigger house

 

Dear Holden,

We are rich. With happiness. No, I know that’s not what you meant when you looked at the new house two doors down from us and said you wish we had THAT house. Duh, I mean look at it. It’s like three or four stories with a three-car garage, practically has turrets, and it’s MASSIVE. Its bonus rooms have bonus rooms.

I see a house like that and I get heart palpitations thinking about what the utility bills must be, but I know people who build houses like that don’t have to worry about utility bills. And if they do they can just sell their Tesla or their Louis Vuitton luggage or rent out a room in the East wing.

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The OTHER reasons you might want to breastfeed

 

Dear woman who’s deciding whether or not to breastfeed,

So here’s the thing. I don’t give a rat’s butt what you choose. It’s none of my business whether you decide to feed your little poop machine via silicone nipples or skin nipples. You’re gonna bond with your baby no matter what and they’re gonna be a-okay if you give them formula. But before you decide, there are actually a few other reasons to breastfeed you might not have thought of, reasons I liked doing it.

Let’s start with the most obvious one. It’s FREE. I mean call me a cheapskate, but I’m the woman who likes to brag when she gets something for half price at TJ Maxx. Check out my breastmilk. It was 100% off and I got it from God. Plus, I feel like starting your babies out on free beverages is a great way to teach them to appreciate the important things in life, like complimentary drinks and free samples at Costco.

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