Agggghhhh, my eyes my eyes! I think I’m blind! I just saw a picture of an old man wearing this, uhhh, dare I say bathing suit, and now I close my eyes and I still see the image of his wrinkly naked body on the back of my eyelids. I’m scarred for life. Seriously, the person who sent me this picture owes me money for therapy.
Okay, so in the past month I think I’ve gotten no fewer than 6,000,000 requests to write something on this weird product called the Shewee. Now if you don’t know what the Shewee is, good. I think that makes you normal. You can click on this link and check it out. It’s basically this plastic tube thingie you can put up to your hoo-ha to make it easier to pee in public places just like the way a guy pees. Yes siree Bob, call it what you will, a Shewee, a cock for your cockpit, a burrito for your taco, whatever you want, alls I know is whenever I think of a plastic peeper for my cooter, I’m thinking about something with batteries and this ain’t it. Let’s just say if a plastic peeper is getting near my hoo-ha, it’s not gonna be pointed away from it.
Ewwwww, what the hell is this thing? The NoseFrida? Blagggh, you use it to suck the clogged up snot and boogers out of your rug rat’s nose. No, that is not a typo. You SUCK it out with this tube you put in their nostril. Gross, double gross, triple gross, grossity gross gross. And here are a few more thoughts I have about this nasty ass boogersucker.
1. Okay why the hell does the picture imply that I have to be the one to suck it? I mean my kid is constantly popping boogers like they’re candy. If she likes them so much, why can’t she suck her own boogies out?
1. Pulling over to the side of the road even though you’re in a hurry because someone’s Spiderman doll fell on the floor
2. Letting your kiddo spit their chewed gum in your hand because they’re done and there’s not a trashcan around
3. Shaving your legs in the middle of the winter for the ONE person on the entire planet who will see them
WTF, have you seen this? It’s called the Tweetpee and apparently this is the newest technology Huggies is testing out. Basically you clip this doodad to your kid’s diaper crotch and when your kid pees, you get a tweet on your smart phone to let you know.
Lately I’ve been reading this hilarious blog called Honest Toddler. If you haven’t seen it, you should go check it out. Well, it gave me a thought. If everyone loves this Honest Toddler so much, what if I were to become Honest Mommy?
For shits and giggles, let’s see what a day in the life of Honest Mommy might look like.
HUSBAND: Want to have morning sex?
My three-year-old’s an asshole. I’ll be the first to admit it. She’s whiny, cranky, bossy, bitchy, and poops a lot. Okay, so maybe that last one isn’t a part of her assholiness, or is it? But seriously, I’m always trying to correct her with all sorts of methods— strong words, timeouts, starvation, whips and chains. Thanks E.L. James!
So don’t tell anyone, but when someone else’s kid is being a jerk, it secretly makes me happy. It proves two things— that my kid isn’t the only asshole (it’s super annoying that my thesaurus won’t give me a synonym for this word even though it’ll tell me the definition) and that there are other shitty parents in the world besides myself, and Honey Boo Boo’s mom of course. So bring on the pint-sized jerk wads who make me feel better about my parenting skills.
This weekend my family and I went to a wonderfully, amazing, Martha Stewart-esque birthday party. Just to show you how un-domestic I am, I had to look up Martha Stewart’s last name because I wasn’t sure if it was spelled Stewart or Stuart. There were fruit platters that looked like Sesame Street characters (ahh, to be a mom who has time for Pinterest). There were enough Subway sandwiches to make Jared regain the weight he lost. And last but not least, the party favors were not made in China.
Nope, this party favor wasn’t a toy that will lose parts a child can choke on. Nor was it made with plastic that will eventually cause my kids to grow a third arm or a giant goiter that looks like a head. This party favor will do something those recalled toys from China can’t do. It will die.