F me. Yes, I know those probably aren’t the classiest words to start a post with, but I really can’t think of two better words to describe the shitstorm that I brought upon my house this weekend. Are you ready for this tragedy? So on Saturday night we went out with friends to a Mexican…
I mean I’m pretty sure the title of this post says it all, but in case you need more, here is a list of awesome stuff that kids, moms and dads are actually going to want to get this holiday season. Because it’s hard to figure out new and exciting shit to get every year.…
This is a post I started to write a few months ago, but never got the chance to finish. Who knows, maybe someone interrupted me or maybe I sneezed and wet my pants and had to go do another load of laundry. Anyways, I finally got a chance to come back and finish it, and…
Dear hubby, as much as I lovvvvve you and really don’t want to change you at all, I would like to humbly BEG you to change a few of your pooping habits. Here goes. 1. If you poop, flush twice. Don’t think twice, FLUSH twice. Because your poops, my dear, are man poops, and you should…
1. I’d rather wear elastic waistband pants. And I don’t mean yoga pants that suck you in in all the right places. I mean pants that let you sag, droop, jiggle, ripple, expand and be comfortable in all the wrong places. 2. I’d rather keep eating chocolate and pizza and my kids’ leftover French fries. Even…
Dear man who was just talking to me at the coffee shop, Wow, I love when random people come up to me and just start talking about stuff. You learn so much about people that way. Just a few sentences later, I feel like I know exactly who you are. You just told me that…
Dear presidential candidate, I have a daughter. I have a mother. I have a sister. I have a vote. And I am not giving it to you. I’ve seen the things you say. The way you’ve spoken about women, minorities, people’s bodies, and people with disabilities. That’s the way bullies act. They look for…
So here’s the thing. Cinderella turned out to be awesome and her stepsisters grew up to be a-holes. Wanna know why? Chores. Yup, after Cinderella’s mom died and Muffy McGolddigger put the moves on her daddy, poor little Cindy was forced to do everything around the house. The dishes, the floors, the windows, etc etc etc. And I know her…
Inside my head there is a switch. Seriously, just take an x-ray and you’ll see it in there. And when someone won’t put their shoes on, or won’t go use the potty, or leaves a Lego on the stairs and I accidentally impale my foot on it, that switch might get flipped. And if that…
ME: Zoey, get dressed. ZOEY: I don’t know what to wear. ME: You have a closet full of clothes. Just pick something. (I come back two minutes later and she’s standing in the exact same spot.) ME: Zoey, please get dressed. And don’t forget to put on new underwear.