Okay little buddy. You know how you’re always saying you want to marry me? Well, if anything ever happens to your Daddy, I’m all about it. But let’s just say things go according to plan and your Daddy and I both grow old together until he has one of those saggy old men butts and…
Step right up, step right up and play the newest game on the market– The Mommy Game!! It’s fun, it’s therapeutic, and best of all, it’s free!!! How to play… Every time someone says Mommy, take a drink. Every time you have to use someone’s middle name, take a drink. Every time someone says wipe…
Dear A-hole, I know you think you are sooooo cool. Or dope. Or badass. Or whatever word the teenagers are using these days. But let me tell you something. You are the complete OPPOSITE of cool. Why on earth would you think driving a million miles per hour down a residential street is impressing anyone?…
Okay, so for the past two years I’ve been attaching badges to Zoey’s Girl Scout vest, and while some of them are awesome, some of them make me go SERIOUSLY??? Did she seriously just earn a badge that says “movie night?” because the last time I checked, watching a movie really wasn’t all that difficult. Anyways, every time…
I know what you’re probably thinking. WTF, Baby Sideburns, didn’t you see that documentary about what they did to orcas? Yes, yes I did. And my hubby and I consciously decided NOT to take our kids to Sea World when we went to Orlando. And then a few weeks ago I got an
Dear me seven years ago, Awww, aren’t you so cute with your pregnant belly all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, about to bring your first little bundle of joy into the world? Bwhahahaha, that baby is gonna be ridiculously cute… until you realize she came with
I don’t know about you, but this long break from school really is such a blessing. Just the other day I heard a group of moms complaining about it, and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes and cluck my tongue with pity. Not a day minute second goes by that I don’t reflect on…
Okay, so I guess I’m kind of an old-school parent. I under-schedule my rugrats, I make them eat all their non-organic veggies before they get their GMO-packed desserts, and I even yell things like, “GO TO YOUR ROOM!!” TODAY’S PARENTING EXPERTS: Gasp!! But that’s supposed to be their safe place! Well, I’ve decided enough living in the past. I can be a…
Dear God please help me not go insane. Dear God please help me not go insane. Dear God please help me not go insane. Because holy crap, I am about two seconds from going out of my F’ing mind and being strapped into a straightjacket and dumped into a padded cell. It started last week…
Dear stranger who disciplined my kiddo at the playground today, Woah woah woah, lemme get this straight. So today your daughter was trying to do the monkey bars? Okay, got it. And my kid was trying to do the monkey bars too? Simple enough. But since your kiddo is new to the monkey bars…