Ooh ooh ooh, what class is YOUR kid in?!!!

Ooh ooh ooh, what class is YOUR kid in?!!!

Ding!! Ding ding!! Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding!!! Holy crap, WHAT is going on? Why the heck is my phone going crazy and getting flooded with text messages? Seriously, I put it down for 14 seconds in the other room and now there are 74 messages. I wish I were kidding.…

Yo People magazine, wanna see what REAL people eat in a day?

Yo People magazine, wanna see what REAL people eat in a day?

So back in the day before I had kids, I used to read semi-intellectual stuff. The New York Times, JD Salinger books, other things that I can’t remember because my brain is fried. But nowadays, I read fun shit. Like People magazine. Yup, pretty much every day I get a good case of the FIBS (Fake Irritable Bowel Syndrome)…

Rules I HOPE my son will follow when he starts dating

Rules I HOPE my son will follow when he starts dating

Okay little buddy. You know how you’re always saying you want to marry me? Well, if anything ever happens to your Daddy, I’m all about it. But let’s just say things go according to plan and your Daddy and I both grow old together until he has one of those saggy old men butts and…

It’s the Mommy Game!!!

It’s the Mommy Game!!!

Step right up, step right up and play the newest game on the market– The Mommy Game!! It’s fun, it’s therapeutic, and best of all, it’s free!!! How to play… Every time someone says Mommy, take a drink. Every time you have to use someone’s middle name, take a drink. Every time someone says wipe…

Dear teenage boy, I’m about to shove your lead foot up your you-know-what

Dear teenage boy, I’m about to shove your lead foot up your you-know-what

  Dear A-hole, I know you think you are sooooo cool. Or dope. Or badass. Or whatever word the teenagers are using these days. But let me tell you something. You are the complete OPPOSITE of cool. Why on earth would you think driving a million miles per hour down a residential street is impressing anyone?…

If anyone in the world deserves badges, it’s Moms!!

If anyone in the world deserves badges, it’s Moms!!

Okay, so for the past two years I’ve been attaching badges to Zoey’s Girl Scout vest, and while some of them are awesome, some of them make me go SERIOUSLY??? Did she seriously just earn a badge that says “movie night?” because the last time I checked, watching a movie really wasn’t all that difficult. Anyways, every time…

Sea World is making the world a better place. Yes, I said that.

Sea World is making the world a better place. Yes, I said that.

I know what you’re probably thinking. WTF, Baby Sideburns, didn’t you see that documentary about what they did to orcas? Yes, yes I did. And my hubby and I consciously decided NOT to take our kids to Sea World when we went to Orlando. And then a few weeks ago I got an

Cherish every single precious moment with your little love muffins

Cherish every single precious moment with your little love muffins

I don’t know about you, but this long break from school really is such a blessing. Just the other day I heard a group of moms complaining about it, and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes and cluck my tongue with pity. Not a day minute second goes by that I don’t reflect on…

Heck yeah, I’m gonna raise a douchebag too!!

Heck yeah, I’m gonna raise a douchebag too!!

Okay, so I guess I’m kind of an old-school parent. I under-schedule my rugrats, I make them eat all their non-organic veggies before they get their GMO-packed desserts, and I even yell things like, “GO TO YOUR ROOM!!” TODAY’S PARENTING EXPERTS: Gasp!! But that’s supposed to be their safe place! Well, I’ve decided enough living in the past. I can be a…