Dear lady who’s bottle-feeding her newborn in Starbucks right now, Yeah, I saw that. That group of women in the chairs who just gave you a disapproving look when you whipped out the bottle. Now mayyybe they just don’t approve of the donut you’re eating. Or maybe they don’t like your outfit. But I’m…
AGGGHHHHH, so this morning something really gross happened. I mean it’s not like gross shit isn’t always happening in my house, but this was even grosser than usual and kinda funny but not really funny at all. So like every morning Holden wakes up at the ass-crack of dawn and does what he always does.…
Don’t you just love when someone comes up to you and tells YOU how to parent YOUR child? Sometimes it’s a random stranger on the street and sometimes it’s a random a-hole in your family. Anyways, until now, I’ve just smiled and nodded my head. But screw that. From now on, here are ten things…
Awwww shit, I F’ed up. Again. So a couple of weeks ago, Zoey wrote a note to Tinkerbell’s friend Periwinkle and she left it on her nightstand for the ice fairy to pick up. Okay, this part isn’t my fault because she failed to mention this to me, and since her room looks like an…
Dear hubby, Do you see what I’m doing? Yup, I have a runny nose and at the same exact time I’m getting other shit done. Wanna know why? Because it’s a cold. An itty-bitty tiny cold that makes me feel a little crappy, but what’re you gonna do? No, I’m serious, what are YOU…
Dear Zoey’s School, So the other day Zoey came home with something in her folder that made me do a double-take. This. I have to say, it made me pause. I mean, hellloooo, have you been watching the news? Didn’t you see that two Muslim people in California just shot and killed fourteen people…
AGGGHHHHH, I am 200% convinced that Zoey is about to get her period because she is acting like such a %$@*&-rag!! Yeah, I know she’s only six, but they say kids are hitting puberty earlier and earlier these days, so she could be, right? Like yesterday I didn’t bring her a snack when I picked…
Yo Muffy McPerfectpants, I’ve seen what you’ve been posting on Facebook and Pinterest. All those cutesy Elf on the Shelf pictures. You’re like, “Oooooh, look, I added Velcro to his hands and wires to his limbs and then I suspended him from a miniature American Girl Doll hot air balloon to make him look like he’s in…
1. I would be thankful if you DON’T judge me for using disposable plates. Yes, I know I got perfectly good china for our wedding, but I wanted to spend an eternity with my hubby, not an eternity standing at the sink washing dishes. 2. If you notice I’m wearing maternity pants, I would be thankful if…
Dear Family, I am sorry. Like really REALLY sorry. I don’t know what is wrong with me. One minute I’m pouring Cheerios into a bowl and the next minute I’ve turned into some scary-ass hybrid of Stephen King’s Cujo and Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. It’s like there’s this little switch inside my brain…