Mmmm, Girl Scout cookies are F’ing awesome but here’s why they suck

Okay, so here’s the thing. Zoey is selling Girl Scout cookies. Now if you follow my Facebook page, you might know who’s really selling them. Yours F’ing truly. Here’s the post if you didn’t see it on Facebook. You can skip to the next part if you already read it. Woo-hooo, Zoey is selling Girl…

What NOT to do when your hubby gets a hole in his underwear

Heyyyy, here’s something really hilarious to do that will make you laugh but will NOT make your husband laugh at all. HUBBY: (PROUD) Look, the hole in my underwear’s getting bigger! ME: I think it’s time to throw them out. HUBBY: No way. ME: You’re about to start popping out of that hole. HUBBY: I…

Dear God, pleeeeeease don’t let my kiddo be racist

Okay, so the other day I experienced something awesome. Yeah yeah yeah, I know you’re used to me spouting off alllllll the bad shit that happens in our house on a daily basis, but last week Zoey and I had a GMO (girls morning out) and holy crap did some amazing stuff happen. I mean most Sunday mornings…

Dear Tinkerbell, where the F were you last night

Awwww shit, I kinda F’ed up this morning. So a buncha nights ago Zoey made this picture of Peter Pan and Tinkerbell and then she put it on her nightstand. I had no idea she actually made them FOR Peter and Tink (no, I’m not on a first name basis with them, I’m just too…

Here, fishy fishy fishy, ewwww wait, not THAT close

Okay, so I feel like whenever we go on vacation, there’s always like that one magical moment (of course once you have kids, it’s sandwiched between 10,000 shitty moments). Like when my hubby and I went on our honeymoon, there was this time our sailboat was surrounded by hundreds of spinner dolphins leaping out of…

Happy Last Minute Shopping Day! So many stores, so little time

In honor of the last day of shopping before that fat guy takes credit for all the shit you came up with and worked so hard to pay for and then spent like a million hours wrapping because they all came in abnormally shaped boxes that suck. Wait, I don’t think that was a complete…

What you SHOULD F’ing buy my kids this holiday

So now that I’ve pretty much nixed every present out there because they’re all so annoying, all these blue-haired grannies are on my ass asking me what the hell they should buy their grandpoopers. Welcome to my world, Nanas. Sucks ass, doesn’t it? Anyways, let’s skip all the intro crap (translation: I’m lazy) and get…

Dear kiddo, when you start to doubt the whole Santa Claus thing, just STFU

Lately I’ve heard a lot of my friends with older kids complaining that their kids are starting to question the whole Santa Claus thing. Ordinarily I’d be like you suck because your kids are out of diapers and go to school all day so WTH are you complaining about, but in the spirit of the…